BWW Blog: Finding Moments of Light

There have been many ups and downs for me while being home.

There are moments where I desperately miss my friends, my independence, my adventure, my artistic practices... but there are also moments where I feel like an entire world of possibilities is open to me; they are my little moments of light. Moments of light that I treasure, and I truly believe have changed me for the better.

Some days, I wake up early (which is 8am for me and no earlier), and I venture to the local coffee shop. Taking my iced coffee and sugary blueberry muffin home to accompany me, as I sit at my kitchen counter and write (if I'm not answering emails or going to a meeting). In middle school and high school, I loved to write and read. I was one of those girls that posted weekly chapters of fictional stories online-some being fanfictions. When I wrote, it felt like the entire world glowed around me, it felt like the words I typed fully immersed me in my own little adventures. I used to write so much that a couple teachers yelled at me for writing stories in my little notebook while they were talking.

But for some reason, my confidence in my own writing faltered during college, which can probably be attributed to comparisons, which I used to do a lot as a youngster... I guess I still am a youngster, but I struggled with this for a long time, and sometimes still do.

Being isolated though, and taking a break from being fully immersed in the artistic community, ironically, made me connect more to my own artistic self and confidence.

It's starting to feel like the world glows again when I unlock my inner feelings and thoughts, and it's allowed me to be brave enough to explore different mediums.

The worlds I am entering when I sing, have been joyful escapes of catharsis, have been moments where I feel as powerful and as bright as the sun. My voice has always been a source of catharsis for me, and singing has always been something I loved to do, but I struggled in the past. First with my techniques, and then, with my confidence in my own abilities.

But something just changed when I returned home from 2 months of no vocal lessons while I was studying abroad. I discovered that my voice wasn't "out of practice" or weaker. I discovered that the techniques I know didn't magically disappear, and all I needed to do was trust that. Trust myself.

A few months after, when I saw Hamilton, I realized again that it's the acting that makes the voice powerful and beautiful, and the voice doesn't need to be monitored to perfection. And suddenly, there began to be these moments where I am fully immersed in a song, where I don't hear myself sing but just feel, and my voice is an extension of myself. And it has felt so good to be able to express myself doing what I love, and finding power in myself through that.

This mindset has even brought moments of light in my relationship to my moving body and my ability to create art, both which are things where I always compared myself to others in the past. I thought, oh that person's a ballerina, and I am therefore not a dancer because no matter how much I study dance and enjoy it, I can't be like that...

The thing is though, I don't need to be like them. The way I move my body is unique to me, and the way I express myself through art is unique to me. I've come to realize that comparisons really are the death of creativity. Maybe it's helpful once in a while, but in my experience, it's freeing to let go of those pressures to live up to someone else's creative work when really, what we should be doing is looking into ourselves. And I'm sure something there glows. Your own personal light. Almost like a nightlight-not always on, but you can always turn it on when you think it's a little too dark.

This article has definitely turned out to be a rambling of thoughts. But, this is me following my writing impulses and my own thoughts. Even with such a rambling like this, I hope... I hope any artistic person reading this, or maybe not even artistic, can trust themselves a little more. And to the future Alyssa rereading this article, this is a reminder to you too.

To just try to create. Even if it ends up being "horrible." Who cares about that? Do it for yourself. Unleash your inner light.

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