Student Blog: When More Than Just the Play Goes Wrong

I just threw my keys into the dumpster. I had all of my hands full and the hand that had my trash bags also happened to have my keys in them--not a smart move on my part-and I even thought to myself "hey make sure you don't throw your keys in the dumpster-that'd be bad" and then I literally did it anyways. And it had been raining so there was just a massive pond in the bottom of the dumpster. Luckily, it was mainly empty so, with some help from very good friends, we were able to retrieve them. Regardless, I still fully chucked them in the dumpster.

Last night, I forgot to pre-set two props onstage for the show I'm currently the deck head for. I forgot to check that the props were there. So, with about 8 minutes of the show left, I sprinted, grabbed the two props, and slid them under the curtain. Luckily, the cast member was able to grab them. Regardless, I still fully forgot to pre-set the props.

I have not booked anything I have auditioned for this semester. I was really proud of the work that I've done and I felt really good about all of my auditions. And I know it isn't because I'm not talented or that I didn't try hard enough. My professor even said to us literally today "you can have the best audition of the day, but if the directors don't think you are right for the show, you won't get cast." I know those things but it doesn't always feel that way. I have been blessed with many other opportunities this semester and I cannot stress enough how excited I am for them. Regardless, I still haven't booked anything I have auditioned for this semester.

Sometimes my brain is in a fog. And I can't seem to find a light. Things just keep on piling on top of each other and I keep thinking somethings gotta give. I keep dwelling on my mistakes and things that I can't seem to do well. I feel like that is so easy to fall into, especially in theater. Between falling into comparing myself to others, to not feeling like I'm doing enough, to feeling like I can't seem to do anything right, it is so easy to just sit in that. In that feeling of being inadequate.

Feelings are really good at lying to us. Like right now, I feel like a failure-but I know that I'm not. I'm not inadequate. I am on my own, perfect journey and no one else can bring to the table what I can. I can do things right. All those things I just listed, are things that can happen to anyone and they do happen to anyone. I know these things, but I don't always feel those things.

When I get stuck in this kind of a fog, I try to find joy, and that can be hard sometimes. It can be hard to focus on the good when so much around me is negative. So, what I have done to combat this is that, in my phone, I have a list in my notes app. A list of things that bring me joy. Everytime I find something that just makes me giddy, I write it down and when I'm sad or dwelling on my mistakes, I read it and it always makes me feel some of that joy. It seems a little silly, but I'm a little silly, so it works for me. Here are some things on my joy list:

-the brownies covered in powdered sugar with ice cream on top that I get every year when I go to the summer camp I'm a counselor at

-Getting the text early enough in the evening that we have a snow day, so that we can all get snacks, stay up late, play games and watch movies.

-One of my friends every once in a while will look at one of us and say "I just love watching you exist" and now it's something everyone in my friend group says because we think it's so wholesome.

-at night, when the power plants/the smokestacks are all lit up and it looks like those scenes from Divergent (this might only be a midwestern thing so I apologize in advance)

-when during worship or at a concert, the band drops out and you just hear the voices of everyone singing together.

-my professor telling me that it is okay to take up space.

-when my roommate surprises me with starbucks at work

-waking up in the morning and walking outside and it feels like spring

-sleepovers with my best friend

-after church naps

-phone calls with my grandma

I recently came across a Tik Tok that Cara Rose DiPietro posted and I found it very comforting to hear these words coming from someone who is doing so well in this business. She says "My worth is not determined by the amount of jobs I do or do not book. The success of my friends is not my failure. Every opportunity that is meant for me will not pass me by. God already has a plan for me and I just have to keep doing what I'm doing. I am doing enough regardless of what my brain tells me. Who I am is perfect and I do not need to be anyone else in order to be successful. I am not running out of time, this is only the beginning. One day at a time." I also have this written in a notes app on my phone and I read it like a mantra sometimes. Like Cara says in the video, I as well, don't always believe those things, but I'm trying and that is all that matters. You can view Cara's video here!

Theater school is hard. But, I promise, even though it is so easy to dwell on the negatives, there is always joy to be found somewhere. Nothing is permanent. Things blow over, things get easier. Mistakes are made, but it never ruins the show.

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