Student Blog: The (Un)Summer-y Blues

I have exactly 12 days left of my summer at home, and I’m actually quite terrified of leaving again. I thought I would have already gotten used to the feeling of leaving for a long time after the first, but it feels the same. It might be the long burnout talking from the work over the summer which I wasn’t expecting at all for the three months but here we are. And here, I’ll share a little bit about my little un-summery burnout experience because burnouts are not exclusive to certain events like school or work.

In my experience, I would mistake it for mere exhaustion and continue to push myself until I’m entirely drained. It’s only recently that I’ve come to terms that I’m entitled to rest and that I shouldn’t try to rationalize myself too much in my guilt that I’m not being productive because doing too much is harmful for me. It comes with the package of being a high-achiever having grown up in the sort of background I’ve been in my whole life. A lot of competition around me.

Outside of theatre and university work, I do a lot of freelance writing and drawing, and on the side of it, I would occasionally help my parents out with their business to do a bit of writing as well. Although these are the things I enjoy doing, I’ve been awfully drained by the thought of even having to face my current tasks. Before the summer holidays came, I thought I’d have plenty of time to deal with my tasks seeing as it was the period in which I could catch up with things outside of university but turns out, I was wrong. Coming back meant I had other responsibilities to catch up with, some of which were having to meet up with friends and family, picking up housework, taking care of my younger cousins and my brother, handling uni holiday work, travelling with my uni work and etc.

It’s like I’m balancing two lives, and I have to try to sustain the other while I’m living one of them, which really only adds to the stress.

It’s easy for me to fall into the trap of thinking I’m not doing enough when I think that I’m not fulfilling the tasks of either my home life or my university life in the UK. The burnouts get a lot worse when I think that I’m not doing enough which isn’t very helpful with all the travelling I’ve been doing with my family as it has me very occupied. I do my best to do what I can on my phone which is rather convenient but it’s a lot when there’s my family expects that I provide them my attention rather than stare at my phone since I won’t be back for the next summer.

The expectations only climb on top of one another to the point it feels like I’m just doing things for the sake of pleasing others instead of my own enjoyment. I still find joy in these little hobbies of mine but it’s the dread I feel having to face them with several deadlines coming up and the awful exhaustion that comes from staring at the screen full of words or an incomplete sketch. There’s no creative energy from when I began nor the motivation to continue what I’ve begun.

But throughout the course of this roadblock, not all hope was lost. My compromise has always been the late hours of the night. When everyone’s asleep, I take the chance to do the most that I can until I’m sleepy. The silence and just the peace that no one is going to ask anything of me puts me at ease since I have no one to disrupt my flow. Who knew things would be so easy once I was sure that no one would interrupt me? It may well be a personal thing but it’s that time of day when half of the expectations fade away for just a while. I have space for myself.

Even right now, as I’m writing this, it’s 1.21 a.m in Malaysia and I have my headphones on with ‘Man’s Man’ from Bad Cinderella (2021) playing on blast with a grand 700+ words in a single night. Even when I’m at a loss with my theatre work, I find written work at this hour of the day to be very cathartic. I could be doing some journalling for my singing techniques or writing about some tasks to look into when I have the time. In a way, I’m still being productive even if I can’t exactly deal with those tasks head-on.

I doubt my family would appreciate a wonderful vocal warm-up at the grand hour of 1 in the morning.

This remedy has always worked for me whenever I’m stumped with some work, which I’m quite grateful to have found out. There’s a lot that I get done from my daily night adventures. When I don’t know what music to put on, I play a new musical. It’s strange how I get everything done the most efficiently when I should be sleeping but it saves me a lot of the stress of waking up knowing that I have plenty more to do.

I’d show my notebooks worth of a year’s notes from all those late nights but I’ve left them all in the UK. So, with all that (un)summer time came a lot of late nights too just to catch up with my tasks. The biggest burnout I’ve had so far was having to get myself back on track, one trip after another, but I always forget a simple thing to do which is to ask help from my peers for help.

No one should have to handle a burnout on their own if nothing works for them. Or the better solution is to leave it for a bit before revisiting it when you’re ready. Deadlines are very unkind for sure, but there will always be a solution.

Like my brother always tells me, “Never try, never know.”

This is based on my own experience since everyone has a different way to approach a burnout but rest is always the best way to rejuvenate, and learning to listen to what your body or mind needs.

Before I end this blog, here are a few of the writing/art zine projects I was thrilled to be a part of, most of which raised funds for charity!

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