When I tell you my emotional cancer rising is taking over my life... I mean it. I'm a very career-oriented person, and a competitive one too, (I spent my entire childhood as a wannabe professional athlete). But, lately, every goodbye is harder than the next. Looking at the grand scheme of things, it's hard to picture a future where I don't cry about missing someone or something every single day. I miss my childhood, when everyone and everything I loved was stagnant and all in one place. Growing up, your world gets so much bigger. My friends are graduating college, my parents are fixing up our home for sale, and my sister is hours and hours away. The things you are so comfortably in love with...change. It's very easy for me to sit in that truth and feel pain. I have one more year of school before I move to a big city - and no matter where I go, it won't be anywhere close to my mountains of Virginia.
I am learning to be okay with the distance between me and my loved ones. I think of my life as a map, and everything dear to me is a light turned on in the dark. My map is glittering with light, all over, and all spread out. I will never be in the shade - there is always illumination. My "home" is not miles away from me, but all around me, bigger than ever before. That is a beautiful, beautiful thing. Sometimes I wish I was in a career that kept me in one place, so I could cling to my family and friends forever. That they would be right next door. I'm thankful for FaceTime, and good cell service, for cheap hotels, and fast cars. To miss someone or something is a gift. And though I know I will always be in that place of nostalgia, it brings me joy instead of sadness. Every year that goes by, my map of light will just become brighter and brighter.
My Heart Is Split - Laura Osnes and Meghann Fahy, by Kerrigan/Lowdermilk.
I love this song! About every emotion I just poured in this blog is poured into this song. "My heart is split between home and here." Pretty much. Some of my favorite Musical Theatre songs are the ones that stray from the basics. The guitar and melody in this song are so unique, and it feels so melancholy and folk-y. Crying. Give it a listen.
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