BWW Reviews: FLASHDANCE at the Paramount - What? A Feeling? Nope.

Not since the epic failure that was "Princesses" at the 5^th Avenue have I seen such an abysmal big stage musical with aspirations to Broadway as "Flashdance - The Musical" currently playing at the Paramount Theatre. There are so many things wrong with this show that I'm not even certain where to begin, but I'll give it a shot.

Based on the 1983 movie, the show ham-fistedly tells the story of Alex (Emily Padgett), a street-wise welder/exotic dancer in Pittsburgh who has dreams of becoming a proper dancer. She falls for the Grandson of the owner of the steel mill where she works, Nick (Matthew Hydzik). Meanwhile she also decides to go for her dream and applies to the local dance academy. Even though she says she doesn't want his help, Nick pulls some strings and secures Alex an audition slot. And then, well, there's drama, she rejects the opportunity, she relents, goes to the audition, dances and all is right with the world again. It's not the most groundbreaking movie from the 80's but it was a hit and with a good book, score and direction could be turned into a decent musical. Unfortunately, that good book, score and direction is exactly what it is lacking.

Let's start with the story. This has got to be some of the most heavy-handed dialogue and contrived plot points I've seen in some time. There are so many leaps in logic and judgment here that I had a hard time following what little story there is. Case in point, at one point in the show one of the mill workers comes up to Nick and is quite over enthusiastic of getting into his good graces so he won't get laid off. But then five seconds later all of the mill workers are chiding and mocking Nick as he has struck out with Alex. So wait, the way to keep your job is to one-minute suck up and then the next sneer at the guy. Um, ok. And that's just one example. We could be here all day if I continue so let's move onto music.

The writers Tom Hedley (who was one of the original screenwriters for the movie), Robert Cary and Robbie Roth have taken those iconic songs from the 80's and jammed them into the narrative of the show with a sledgehammer. "Let's see, we have to have the song "Manhunter" in the show. I know, we'll have a stripper/dominatrix sing it while Nick and Alex are on a romantic date." Cuz nothing' says romance like the song "Manhunter". And then they've surrounded those iconic songs with original ones of their own making, all of which sound the same, are utterly forgettable and have incredibly simplistic and cliché lyrics.

The costumes feel as if they've all been culled from a sex shop's clearance bin with little to no thought put into them other than "sex sells". And I have to mention one moment where one of the strippers holds up a new costume she has just made and there is clearly a tag in it. She sewed a tag into the costume she just made? Oh and then there was the genius move of putting your lead in a pair of stirrup pants with the crotch at the knees, or as I like to call them, penguin pants, and then have her do a big dance number so she can't move and we can't see what she's doing. The only time you should ever put your lead dancer in a pair of penguin pants is if you're doing "Mary Poppins".

And all this is further obscured by a set that is mostly overdone projections on panels that slide in and out. Oh and the money shot of her doing the strip with the water dumped on her at the end is still there but it's accompanied by other water jets shooting up from below her which just makes the stage look like a giant bidet.

The cast is obviously talented and does what they can with what they are given but they're not given much and so I just ended up feeling sorry for them up there. Veteran Broadway director Sergio Trujillo should know better than this. This was one big train wreck (and I know train wrecks, I saw the tour of "Starlight Express"). The press release for this says this tour is out there but there's also a second cast putting together a creatively reworked production for Broadway in August 2013. It would have to be creatively gutted for it to work.

Horrible dialogue, contrived plot points, musical numbers out of no where, ridiculous costumes and set; I could go on but I won't. I'm just going to try and put this one behind me. But let me finish off by saying that if you're looking for a coherent story with shiny new songs based on a beloved movie, then stay home. But if you just want your senses and intelligence assaulted by a nostalgia piece with some descent dance numbers, then by all means, strap on your leg warmers and head on over.

"Flashdance - The Musical" performs at the Paramount Theatre through April 21^st. For tickets or information visit the Seattle Theatre Group online at www.stgpresents.org.

Photo credit: Kyle Froman

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