EDINBURGH 2017: A Day At The Fringe- Maria Peters

Fringe performer Maria Peters blogs for BWW to give us her top tips for surviving August in Edinburgh.

Advice For 1950's Housewives (And Performers At The Fringe)

Being a performer at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival is not dissimilar to an average day in your grandmother's life. Use these pearls of wisdom to get you through the month.

Be a gracious and attentive hostess.

It's your job to ensure everyone is having a lovely time at your 3pm soiree in a damp cave. Do they all have a drink? Make sure they all have a drink. They'll enjoy the entertainment much more. Do put on some convivial music as they mingle and find a comfortable pew. Latecomers? No problem. They're very welcome, as long as they have a drink.

If in doubt, stop everything and provide your guests with drinks. That's the most important thing. Drinks.

Wear a cheery smile

Even when you're dying on the inside.

Smile to the elderly lady you flyer who says, 'NO! F*CK OFF WITH YOUR FLYERS!'

Smile to the disgruntled, folded-armed gent in the front row who spends your whole show glaring at you as though you're standing in front of his favourite TV program.

Smile to that obnoxious friend-of-a-friend-in-the-mediocre-sketch-show Izzy, when she boasts to you across Cowgate that she just got 5 stars.

Shhhhh. A lady's voice is a quiet voice.

Particularly before midday in your 12-people-in-a-3-bed-houseshare. Also, do keep shtum while you're backstage. The show on before you is having that poignant moment. Well it always is because it's called 'Poignant Moments'. So just Shhhhhh.

Efficiently clear away clutter for a tidy home

You'll have to pack down all the props from your show, pint glasses, flyers and crisp packets left by the audience all in the 1 minute 28 seconds changeover between shows.

Embrace the age of steam!

The steam of the rain evaporating off Grassmarket after those 10 minutes when the heavens above channeled an incontinent racehorse.

The steaming bowl of boiled kettle water and Olbas oil you're leaning over daily to try salvage your larynx.

The sauna at the gym that you've paid £485 for a monthly membership but have only had time to go to once. Embrace it all.

Always have dinner ready

In between prepping for your show, fretting over ticket sales, retweeting the show praise you told your housemate to write, performing, flyering, postering, networking, watching your housemate's contemporary theatre performance, and 'Damn, I forgot my sequined bongos I have to go back to the flat', there's no time to cook a decent meal. So let the street chefs cook for you. They'll always have your dinner ready.

Rise early with the birds

... From the parkbench in The Meadows where you've found yourself napping. It's dawn already? How did you get here? Nobody knows. But those Abbatoir cocktails sure do pack a punch. Are those the birds tweeting? No it's Izzy, on Twitter posting about her mediocre show again. She's got another 5 star review? No matter. Pick yourself up and pop on that cheery smile. You've got a lot to prepare. You've got guests coming over at 3.

The Science of Cringe, Underbelly George Square - The Wee Coo, 2 - 28 August (not 14), 1.20pm

To post a comment, you must register and login.