BWW Blog: In My Dreams

Just when you think you've done it, you've made it over the hump, you're somehow right back where you started...this time might be even worse.

In the Fall, I decided to stay at home and take courses online through my university. It was inevitably the best decision I made for myself. I got better mentally and was comfortable living in that moment for a little while. Well, here it is. The Spring semester and I decided to come back to campus and continue to take my classes that I could in person, specifically a good majority of my theatre classes.

At the end of the year last year, I felt good. I was super confident in coming back here. I thought it was the best choice. I missed my friends, I missed theatre, I missed going to actual classes instead of opening my laptop in my room.

However, here we are in the midst of week four and in all honesty I am miserable. I feel like I am floating on an iceberg headed straight out into an abyss of darkness.

I thought coming back and having my theatre classes would bring me comfort. I thought seeing my friends again would spark joy, and while it has and I am so grateful to have seen some of them, I feel like something is missing.

I am not the same person I was when I started this pandemic. So much has changed and it feels normal, but this all is not normal. This added pressure of deadlines, covid, and the climate of the world has me reverting into a hole that seems wider and deeper than it has ever been. I struggle to do the things that truly bring me joy. I love writing, and doing theatre. The effort I have put into both of those things has been a mere fraction of what it once was.

I wish I could articulate more in depth of how I feel, but I can't.

Things are hard right now. I know it will pass, but man. This cloud of gray does not seem to be evaporating. I do know however I am not alone. That is reassuring, yet terrifying. The reason being is that many people are feeling like this, but the world seems "normal" to most. It is not normal. It's more than okay to feel these things. For it to be seemingly swept underneath the rug is what is confusing to me.

Being back on campus has made me long even more for live theatre. This is part of the "normalcy" I was trying to get at. I am grateful to be in classes and learning. I just wish I could perform on a stage in front of a live audience. Having classes on our stage and tip-toeing around the theatre building has brought up so much sadness that I did not know I was harboring. I hadn't been in our black box theatre since one of my last rehearsals for the show I was in last year. That show got cancelled. Walking into that theatre made me feel at home, yet what loomed overhead was soul crushing.

I wish I could say I knew what was next for me in this chapter. I know it will pass, but right now I wish I wasn't feeling like this again.

In My Dreams there is a new world ahead. One where this dread lessens, and the fear is whisked away. A place where I feel comfortable in my own skin once again. A time that we cherish, instead of wanting to forget. I long for that now more than ever.

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