Student Blog: The In-Between

It's a given when you get involved in theatre, or any fine art for matter, that you will have to audition and that you will have to face rejection. No one warned me, though, that the time in between those two events would come with its own onset of emotions and potentially be the worst part of the whole process. 

I recently went to an audition that frankly could not have been lower stake. It was a volunteer-only, community production of an old play and while I was excited at the opportunity, I knew it would be a stretch with my fall schedule. Despite this, I commuted to the audition with monologue, headshot, and resume in tow. I had a great time at the initial auditions and during callbacks where I got to explore a new theater, meet the other auditionees, and try new and different roles. When I left, though, I was immediately hit with the spinning thoughts, the anticipation, the "what ifs", and the romanticized version of getting some lead role as a complete surprise. 

After a day and a half of waiting and feeling sick with anxiety, I turned to the internet for some advice on how to get past this. What I found seemed easy enough: distract yourself, delete the audition from your mind, and go on with your life as if you didn't book it. Being an anxious person by nature, though, the nagging "what if" made all of these options impossible. Yes, I could distract myself, BUT I would be thinking about some element of the audition the whole time. Yes, I could erase the whole thing from my mind, BUT I was cycling through how I forgot to introduce myself and how I delivered one of the lines like a broken record. And yes, I could pretend I didn't get it and move on, BUT what if I did? 

When the day finally came where I would be receiving a phone call if I got cast, I found myself going crazy. After switching between checking my phone, updating my Facebook feed, and texting friends, I was hit with the realization of "is this worth it?" I used to feel this way after high school auditions, but of late seemed rather disinterested in the auditions I attended. With graduation approaching this year, I found myself holding to this audition as some sort of directional sign for what my life plan should be despite the initial indifference to it. As I waited to hear, I felt like my self-worth was on the line. 

That day came and went and my phone stayed silent. Maybe I wrote down the wrong phone number? Maybe they're still deciding? The lack of confirmation one way or another was what was killing me. Did I want to get a rejection? Obviously not, but it was more so that the waiting was wearing me down and causing me to rethink my entire existence as a performer. I knew what the silence meant and once the rejection was confirmed, I was fine. You'd think that hearing (or rather not hearing) that I wasn't cast would be the worst part, but I was relived. The stress of waiting was finally over.

The time in-between was brutal, making me dread new auditions even more than I used to. So now the question is "how do I avoid this?"  I don't know the answer just yet. I feel like I did all the right things before this one; I didn't tell anyone I was auditioning, didn't get too excited about the production itself or what it could look like, I did the right prep for the actual thing, and I was fully comfortable with the reality of rejection. Yet, those few days of waiting drove me mad. I wish I could say I had some big revelation to share, but rather I just hope that if others are consistently facing the same spiral that I can provide some relatability. 

It is really hard to be in limbo, waiting for someone to decide your fate after such a vulnerable experience. It's not like they're just judging your talent--your entire existence is being analyzed. So while I can't say its normal or abnormal to experience the in-between blues, I can say that I get it and that life will go on once they come to an end.

The entire audition process can be draining and frankly dehumanizing sometimes, but hopefully with more and more experience, the in-between will be a much-desired break void of sides and cold reads.