Student Blog: Doubts and Doubles: When Sometime in the Future Becomes Now

It's that time of the year again when I start the question every decision that I have ever made that brought me to New York and get the sudden urge to get on the first flight out (honestly, what stops me is the visa restrictions) and start a new life somewhere exotic and tropical where I can start my day with the sounds of the waves or a European capital where I can drink my coffee at a small coffee shop around the corner and watch people walk beside the river that passes through the city. Sometimes I feel like there are a million different possibilities, and I want to try them all, and there is not enough time for that.

The midterm season is that time of the year for me. The season of what-ifs. What if I was spontaneous enough to change my current life with a moment's decision? What if I was someone who could fit her entire life in a suitcase and travel around as she wished? Would I be happier, or would I still be questioning myself even then?

What's different than my yearly mid-term crisis is that this year I actually need to make some decisions for next year, and for the first time in my life, the sense of uncertainty makes me nervous rather than excited. I don't want to make any decision. I feel restless and frustrated- which I mostly blame the weather for-and I run to my comfort zone every chance that I get.

I really like living my life thinking I am the main character in a movie. There is this kind of comfort it brings me, this sense of "everything will be fine" and "I will figure it out on the way." I don't need a big epiphany moment or anything(I'm not that invested in the idea that my life is an actual movie), but I kind of need a little budge that will put me in the right direction.

I sometimes seriously wish that I was a character in a movie. At least then, I would be stuck in a script written by someone else, and I could blame them for the wrong decisions that I have made. I feel like whatever I do; I'll end up choosing the wrong thing. Even if it's not the wrong thing, it won't be good enough to escape my what-ifs. Usually, I love that I don't know what my life will look like in 5 years, but right now, not liking something enough to commit to it for the rest of my life sucks. I want to try new things, yet I know that I will get bored after my first try. Sometimes life sucks without a specific reason. Midterm season is that time.