Interview: Des Clarke on CINDERELLA

We speak to comedian Des Clarke about returning to the King's Theatre for the fifth year running to star in Christmas panto Cinderella.

Who are you playing in this year's panto?

I'm playing Buttons in Cinderella. It's great because Cinderella was my first panto part five years ago. So this is me, five years on, and we've done all the different pantos and we've come back to Cinderella.

It feels like slipping into an old pair of shoes again - actually, I've tried them on and I think it might be the old pair of shoes. It's great, five years in a row, and I'm loving being back. Buttons is my favourite part, it's the best one that I do.

Have you had any onstage disasters?

Yes - plenty! Opening night of my first ever panto and a horse pooed on my foot. I'm a stand-up comedian, I'm not a trained actor. I've done radio, telly, everything else you can imagine, but I never did panto at any level. First night in panto and we had the brilliant moment where you go into the interval, the transformation happens and Cinderella is there with the carriage and the beautiful horse... I'm thinking "This couldn't go any better", it felt like magic and I was nearly in tears waving at the audience in my shiny outfit, and I just felt something on my foot. I thought "Has a light fallen on me?", and I looked down and there was this giant turd on my shoe. It was either me or the horse, I'm quite not sure - it was the first night, we were both nervous. This pony looked so cute but it smelled terrible and it walked off and left me with this on my foot. That to me was just the best introduction to panto. The rest of the cast just shook my hand afterwards and said "Welcome to panto, Des!".

Then last year's opening night, I walked on stage, the show had gone smoothly with no disasters, hit all the dance routines, remembered my lines, got lots of laughs, did all the songs, came down to take my bow at the end and I felt something rip. My crotch went completely split all the way down the front of my trousers and I just felt this draught. There were people in the audience howling and of course it's the days of social media now, so there's photos of this going on Twitter of my ripped crotch with my Bridget Jones granny pants on under. I had to try and cover it up because we'd still to do a song, so I'm trying to do it holding a jacket in front of me like some kind of matador. I liked it so much I almost kept it in - ironically, that night I couldn't keep it in!

If you want to see a disaster come on opening night, because it's always opening night. One more, I was walking through a set and one of the crew just absentmindedly went a couple of seconds early and pulled a bit of the set and chipped a bone on my shin. It put a six-inch gash on my leg and I had to do the rest of the run in bandages. I have to give credit to the sound guy because I went "OH YA-" and he faded the sound right down.

I seem to have been blessed with panto disasters, but I'm told that its good luck. It's been great for me - they keep asking me back.

Are you still doing the breakfast show during the run?

Yes I am, Capital FM breakfast show, up at quarter to five every morning. That's the way I've always done it - the first year I thought I was going to die. It seemed like a good idea because I thought I can do the breakfast show and then go to the King's and it's good because I can promote one while I'm promoting the other. Oh my god. By about week three of doing that I couldn't remember who I was. I was on the breakfast show and they're telling me, "Des, you're coming in with make-up on" and I'm like "I just have make-up on all the time now. Someone's going to ask me to sing in a minute - is there a horse in here?". But I love doing that show, I love the team that I work with and I love the listeners. It's so different from this but yeah, I will still be doing it because I don't think I work enough hours in the day...

Do you have any special memories of going to the panto yourself?

Absolutely - we used to go every year and it was always the King's. To me, the King's is the benchmark for Glasgow panto. It's a touch of class - as soon as you walk into the theatre there's just a touch of magic about it. Every panto has magic, but for me the King's is just the one that has that wow factor and I still get that. Gerard Kelly was certainly my guy. I'd watch him and just go "Wow, that's amazing" - watching him perform was just fantastic, and that's just the memory I have.

Seeing people like him onstage and from start to finish, seeing the bright colours, the set, the costumes. Everything was real as well - it's unlike a film, you can be part of this show. Sometimes we get kids up on stage to give them little prizes and you're just making a dream come true for those kids. You're giving them memories that will last with them for the rest of their lives, because you know that's what happened with you. It's also probably most kids' first time at the theatre; it certainly was mine. Catching sweets as well - those are the things that matter.

Where are the prime sweetie-catching seats?

You don't want to be right at the front - that's a mistake a lot of people make. We don't go right at the front if we've going to throw anything out, because the band are at the front. It'll be nine rows back on your left, so my right. Yeah, nine rows on the audience's left about three-quarters of the way along the row. If you're going to catch anything, that's where to do it.

You've kind of already answered this - but what makes the King's panto so special?

Well to me it is the benchmark, it has the class and it has the history. Other pantos will have a history, but there's none with a history as rich as the King's Theatre in Scotland. I mean if you think of those names, I mentioned Gerard Kelly but you can add in Stanley Baxter, Jack Milroy, Ricky Fulton - legends of Scottish entertainment. You're following in their footsteps, but that's never intimidated me. I'm so proud that as a wee boy from the Gorbals, having gone to watch the panto, and now fast-forward all those years and I'm on that stage. I'm part of that magic and I think that word "magic" is just what it is. It does something, it moves you.

Any kids' panto has lots of laughs and the chance for the audience to get up and dance. I personally make sure nobody gets through a panto that I'm in without getting up to dance. If you look out and there's some big bruisers, some big men saying "I'm not getting up and dancing, none of that for me - I'm just here to take the weans", by the end of that show I guarantee you I will have you on your feet. You'll be making a noise like a duck and you'll just be partying like mad. That to me is what the King's panto is - you'll be part of it.

What's the best heckle you've received during panto?

"Hurry up and kiss her" in Cinderella, every time. "Des - just winch her."

Is that from kids or..?

Kids, adults - "Hey, Des is in the friend zone". They've updated it. The story is that Buttons loves Cinderella but she goes with the prince, she only loves him as a friend. So many times I get "Haha - you've been patched", and there's some great ones that come in the dark when you're trying to be your most powerful and passionate. And the amount of times (and I'm lucky to say this) I've had usually middle-aged women going "I'll winch you Des, you can come to my ball any day", but I love that and to me that's what makes it special. The audience are as big a part of the show as any of the performers on stage - and that's the magic.

Cinderella runs at the King's Theatre Glasgow from 2 December to 8 January, 2017

Photo credit: Nisbet Wylie

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