When were you happiest?
One night in Melbourne when I fell in love.
What is your greatest fear?
That at some point I'll realise, beyond all doubt, that free will is an illusion.
What is your earliest memory?
Being scared of a hovercraft.
What would be your fancy dress costume of choice?
Something masked.
Which living person do you most admire, and why?
My mum and dad (and so would you if you met them).
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
There's nothing that I deplore but my subjectivity can be a pest at times.
Property aside, what's the most expensive thing you've bought?
A divorce settlement.
What is your most treasured possession?
My home and the calm that it provides.
What makes you unhappy?
Small mindedness.
What do you most dislike about your appearance?
I'm having a bad hair life.
What is your guiltiest pleasure?
Clearly I can't answer that.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"Errr."
What is the best job you've done?
Performing for a month at Sydney Opera House was pretty memorable.
Cat or dog?
Both. They do different things. As has been said, "Dogs have owners, cats have staff" and I love them both.
To whom would you most like to say sorry?
Jeremy Kyle. He has to be him every day.
Who is your best friend in theatre?
Nigel Mead, an incredible entertainer.
Which living person do you most despise?
No one has ever wronged me so much that I despise them but Jeremy Kyle makes me fidgety.
If you could edit your past, what would you change?
The loss of my brother in 1987.
If you could go back in time, where would you go?
Western Europe during the Enlightenment (18th Century).
What single thing would improve the quality of your life?
Teleportation or my first child.
Where would you most like to be right now?
Skiing in Switzerland.
Tell us a secret.
Matthew Blight got caught at school in the lavatories with a sausage where you shouldn't put a sausage.
Philip Escoffey, star of five's ‘Impossible?', returns to the Udderbelly on London's Southbank with ‘Six MORE Impossible Things Before Dinner' on Friday 8th July.
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