BWW Exclusive: Wendell Ferguson isn't a Grinch, Just a Very Naughty Boy on 'Cranky Christmas'

Singer-guitarist Wendell Ferguson is the anti-Claus. And I was reminded how much I enjoy his Yuletied parodies earlier this month at the CBC taping of this year's Royal Canadian Air Farce New Year's Eve comedy special.

Remember the kid in the horror movie "The Omen" who turns out to be the anti-Christ? Gregory Peck checked the lad's scalp and found three sixes - the sign of the beast - in a circle? Well, if you were to check Wendell's scalp, you'd find three "Hos" in a circle instead!

But a wink and a smile give him away, revealing he's more than a musical misanthrope. To paraphrase Monty Python, "He's not Scrooge. He's not the Grinch. He's a very naughty boy." Right! Naughty ... and nice, too. And, did we mention, hilarious?

That's some spicy egg nog!

I've always looked forward to his annual Yuletide "Cranky Christmas" gig at Toronto's fabulous Hugh's Room with guests that have included Dave Matheson, formerly of Moxy Früvous, and Suzie Vinnick from "Betty and the Bobs (B&Bs).

Ferguson's wacky lyrics tend to evoke the spirit of American radio personality Bob Rivers who is renowned for such comic classic Yuletide parodies as "Walking 'Round in Women's Underwear"... sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland":

"In the store, there's a teddy.
With little straps, like spaghetti.
It holds me so tight,
Like handcuffs at night.
Walking around in women's underwear"

A few years ago at Hugh's, Suzie Vinnick, introduced as Betty, sang the lead on "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" played to the tune of Eric Clapton's "Sunshine of Your Love." The lyric "He's makin' a list"... duh, duh, duh, duh-DUUHH-duh ... He's checkin' it twice... duh, duh, duh, duh-DUUHH-duh ... became absolutely malevolent, unleashing paranoia!

"I stole the arrangement from `Trout Fishing in America,'" Wendell freely admits. "I'm not sure who they stole it from."

(Ferguson plays with B&Bs occasionally. It's described as "an extracurricular vehicle" group of Toronto musicians and their friends who perform "all the songs they ever wanted to do, but would never get around to doing in their own bands. They include old tunes including country, blues, R&B, Beatles, gospel, old jazz and some `wacky' original songs.")

Wendell didn't perform his holiday show at Hugh's Room. It was like Christmas without mulled wine, without ugly sweaters, or even without Darlene Love rockin' it on the Letterman show.

Usually at each year's taping of the Air Farce's New Year's special, guitarist Dave Matheson and a bass player together known as "The Ground Crew," warm up the audience with a pre-show of irreverent tunes such as "Jesus' Brother Bob" and the international classic "I've Been Everywhere, Man." (Among those who have sung the Canadian version is Stompin' Tom Connors.) They also played between set-ups of each skit.

So imagine my surprise and delight at a recent taping of CBC-TV's Royal Canadian Air Farce New Year's Eve special when Ferguson walked out to assume their duties!

After his introduction, but before he strummed a note, he asked how many people in the crowd had seen his CBC-TV holiday special "Jesus Christ! It's Your Birthday Again." I was one of a few who raised their hands. I baited him by lying and saying I remembered a show that had never been made.

He went for it, half-mockingly saying the CBC had had trouble with the title... Well, duh! The CBC employed an alleged abuser of women (Jian Ghomeshi), but Ferguson's witty handle was too much for them? Maybe that's why we've never seen him perform his uproarious double entendre laden "Great Big Johnson" on the listing "Hockey Night in Canada-less" vessel.

Throughout the evening, he sprinkled in his gut-busting tunes such as "Don't Call Your Girlfriend `Honey'" and the sad song of people who choke when they don't masticate their food, set to the tune of Bob Dylan's "Like a Rolling Stone" and titled "Didn't Chew" with his highly original Christmas musical lampoons.

Of course, there's the country song "Jesus Christ! It's Your Birthday Again!"

"Jesus Christ it's your birthday once more

That would make you a ... Capricorn?

That must be the reason

We're all fu-fu-freezin'

Were you born in a barn? Close the door!

Oh gosh, you were born in a barn, that's right!"

He also played my favorite guitarists' lament: "Why Does Every Christmas Song Have So Many Chords?"

"Caroling and wassailing, everybody loves to sing,

Let your voices do their thing and raise them.

Gershwin, Berlin, Mercer, too, they wrote a lot of Christmas tunes

With no regard for those who play them.

Oh, why does every Christmas song have so many chords?

A melody this simple should get by on three or four.

The genius' that wrote these things must've gotten bored.

Is that why every Christmas song has so many chords? ... like ...

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire

I could murder Mel Tormé

Three more fingers on each hand are required

'Cause there's more chords here than Mel Bay

Could ever play..."

Audiences are cursed by his side-splitting songs, Ferguson reports. "Many people have said to me they can never listen to the original again without hearing my lyrics and laughing." I suppose it's like trying to listen to the "Barber of Seville Overture" without hearing the Bugs Bunny parody "Step in to my shop, let me cut your mop!"

You have to read his "touch-in cheek bio" with caution. Among his credits, Wendell is an accomplished guitar player performing gigs across the country. He's been nominated for a couple of Juno Awards and was inducted recently into the Canadian Country Music Hall of Fame. It brags he won the "Guitar Player of the Year" so many times-seven-they retired him, declaring he is no longer eligible.

He has played back-up for many prominent country artists such as George Fox, Shania Twain, Michelle Wright, Tommy Hunter and countless more. He has recorded with others including Stompin' Tom Connors, Sylvia Tyson and her ex Ian Tyson, Murray McLauchlan, Jane Siberry and Cindy Church.

"I don't plan to be of that stature," he revealed. "I just hang around that crowd."

In 1998, he played electric guitar on Gordon Lightfoot's 19th album "A Painter Passing Through," a recording that also featured über-rock producer Daniel Lanois on electric and mando guitars. "Co-producer Bob Doidge suggested they invite some `guest stars' including Billy Dillon, Danny Lanois and Mike Heffernan on keyboards and synthesizers, "Ferguson told Broadwayworld Toronto.

Ferguson played on two tracks - "Red Velvet" and "I Used to Be A Country Singer."

Under Doidge's direction, Ferguson recorded a demo for Lightfoot playing a Telecaster with a B bender. It allows the guitarist to play a chord with one note bent up a full tone thereby creating the sound of a steel guitar. It was a risk because, as Ferguson notes, "Gordon does not like surprises. `Gord loves it!" Doidge told me. Then he said `Now, we'll do it again, gloss it up and make it fine.'"

It's strange but Ferguson never met Lightfoot during the recording. The day Ferguson recorded his track was on a Friday the 13th. "Gordon won't leave the house; he's very superstitious," said Wendell. They met later in Lightfoot's hometown Orillia at the Mariposa Festival where he signed one of Wendell's acoustics.

Ferguson was born and raised in Streetsville, ON... in the NW corner of the Toronto bedroom community of Mississauga. "I grew up there; that was home," he recalls fondly. "I still have tons of friends I see all the time. With a population of only 6,000, you tend to know someone who knows someone..."

Today, Ferguson freely counts his blessings since his life has all been music, even to this day. It started when he got a guitar for his birthday for "his sixth Christmas. Immediately, I strummed open chords, just making noise. I took lessons from the age of 7 to 11. Afterwards, I told people I was a self-taught musician and my teacher was an idiot!

"I bought a lot of books and met a lot of people. I learned everyone you play with is willing to share music. I ran a recording studio for 10 years. My career has been all music. Today, I advise guitarists to `Get your own skill set.' "

As for comedy, he remembers his mother bought him a book called "Jokes and Riddles to Read Out Loud." "My Mom regrets it," he admits. "Every car trip, I'd sit and read it in the back seat, and say `Knock, knock...'

"I loved comic timing. I'd watch Ed Sullivan. I have a file (of jokes) in my head. I loved MAD magazine and their parodies of musicals, TV shows and movies. I'd also write lyrics for musicians onstage with proper scanning, rhythm and rhyme.

Ferguson admits although he's written some terrible songs, the funny ones have truth in them. "You write it ... you're analytical and creative ... but you don't judge, he says.

And what does his Mom think?

She always said "Why can't you use your powers for good rather than evil?"

Learn more about Wendell Ferguson and see his albums available for purchase at wendellferguson.com.

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