URBAN TALES Returns to Centaur Theatre, Dec 12-15

URBAN TALES presented by Théâtre Urbi et Orbi and the Centaur Theatre Company, will run December 12-15, 2012. Directed by Harry Standjofski with music crafted and performed by Nick Carpenter, this sixth edition plays the 12th through 15th at 8 p.m., with a matinee performance on December 15th at 2 p.m.

Fed up with holiday shopping, office parties and mind-numbing television shows on how to cook the perfect turkey?

Even iPhone and Android applications are designed to lure you into the holiday spirit these days. You can program a talking Santa, decorate a tree, bake gingerbread cookies or create a crackling fire on your smartphone. The pixelated possibilities are endless.

If all of this is getting you down, fear not! You can reboot your morale and nurture your inner Grinch at Urban Tales 2012, the sixth edition of the politically incorrect and wildly funny, anti-holiday storytelling spectacular at Centaur Theatre.

This year, director Harry Standjofski lined up seven frosty tales to chill your hearts in this age of global warming. The perfect antidote for holiday-cheer fatigue!

Performed by top Montreal talent, the irreverent and naughty monologues lampoon the meaning of Christmas and poke fun at overspending, having too much sex and booze, frozen turkeys, vampires, a gay guy from an uber-religious Mormon family... and more!

“If you’re not a Christian then what does Christmas mean to you? Spending too much money, spending too much time with people you don’t want to spend time with and compensating for it all with binge drinking and over-eating,” says Standjofski.

Created in collaboration with Théâtre Urbi et Orbi (which is celebrating the 20th anniversary of Les Contes Urbains), this edition of Urban Tales features five stories by Anglo-Quebec scribes and two Québécois tales translated into English.

The Frosty Urban Tales Lineup

Round Yon Virgin by L.M. Leonard as told by Danette Mackay
“I dream of death, she said, the way some dream of sex and money and love. Pink hearts, pink nipples, cocks and capital and cold hard cash – all of it silent, weightless, ecstatic – and then she bit me on the neck and said, ‘Happy Holidays! I’m a vampire!’”

Tom Waits by Alexandria Haber as told by Alain Goulem
“On a planet of men there would be a lot of frozen turkeys eaten. Big deal. You know in the old days men went to war three quarters of the year. Women did holidays and men went to war, am I right? Eating a frozen turkey would be nothing. Nothing compared to fighting a Viking or ransacking a village or whatever.”

Uncle by Etienne Lepage translated by Harry Standjofski as told by Michel Perron
“So this one year I’d done better than expected on my Christmas exams... I thought my parents might let me spank the monkey in peace... but all of sudden they came up with this concept: I had this uncle, lived in the woods with a son my age... they wanted me to go spend Christmas vacation with them...”

A Christmas Song by Paul Van Dyck as told by Holly Gauthier-Frankel
“And there’s Bob at the bar, putting on his best macho voice to talk up all the girls like a good bar tender should. But don’t let him fool yah, ladies. Cuz Bob is gay. (How gay is he?) So gay that his uber-religious Mormon family had him excommunicated at the age of nineteen and now he spends every Christmas alone... or with a bunch of other flamers who are also the shame of their respected families. Ha ha. I guess that sounded funnier in my head.”

Emotion Anonymous written and told by Bryden MacDonald
His mother is a raging alcoholic who’s never been seen with an actual drink in her hand. She just gets stranger and stranger each time she comes back from her bedroom. At the dinner table on Christmas Eve after she drank enough courage she decided to reveal to him that he was adopted. He’s fifty years old. Don’t you think that’s strange? I think that’s strange.

Everything he gives, breaks by Justin Laramée translated by Harry Standjofski as told by Joe de Paul
This is the tale of a guy; everything he gives, breaks see the black crack in his soul? can you imagine the story of someone who has given nothing but grief?

On my dark night by Harry Standjofski as told by Deena Aziz Stef and I have not said a word to each other since we left the house, is this normal? No... but he’s “depressed”, “I always get depressed when it gets dark so early”, well we’re almost at the winter solstice, the days’ll start getting longer, you’ve lived in Montreal all your life, suck it up.

Tickets: Regular: $22. Subscribers/ Seniors/ Under 30/ Theatre: $18. Students: $16. BOX OFFICE: 514-288-3161.

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