Review: LATE NITE CATECHISM at Starlight Theatre

Now through the end of January, Catholics (lapsed or current) and most everyone else older than 50 will flash back on middle school as ersatz classmates gather together in the Berger Studio Theater backstage at the Starlight Theatre complex for a "Late Nite Catechism." The class is taught by an un-named sister played by a very funny and very strict Mary Zentmeyer. For non- Catholics, think drill sergeant in a habit. The show is appropriate for all age groups, but many practices made fun of in this play have long since vanished from both Catholic and public schools.

"Late Nite Catechism" is set in an interactive classroom, complete with a teacher's desk (stuffed with Catholic School appropriate incentive gifts), blackboard, the inevitable rulers (for knuckle-cracking), and appropriate phonetics posters plastered on the theater wall. The good sister characterizes the class as roughly equivalent to a court ordered driving class for DUI offenses.

This is the first time that Starlight has offered two shows at once indoors. The Berger Studio is actually rehearsal space during the regular season and mirrors the exact width and depth of the main stage.
Configured as a studio theater, it accommodates about 200 classmates.

Meanwhile on the main stage, Dixie continued her week long Tupperware Party to about 500 partiers. Dixie has now been replaced by a pair of talented British blokes who somehow manage to communicate all seven Harry Potter books in just 70 minutes.

Sister begins her class with an introduction that explains she is the mistreated surrogate of the parish priest who is supposed to be teaching this class. She trolls the assembled class for likely victims. As she identifies them, each is required to supply their first name, middle name, and confirmation name in a complete sentence. Of course, no one does it correctly the first time.

Sister found a likely suspect named Kevin in our class. He became her stair monitor. Each time Sister or another person of the female gender needed to utilize the stairway to the stage, Sister required Kevin to pop up from his fourth row aisle seat, rush to the stair unit, and assist. Kevin must have flashed back to his Catholic School days.

Kevin had some difficulty with these duties in Sister's class as he spent considerable time on stage, leaning against the blackboard with his nose pressed into the circle of silence. I suspect that this means more to Catholic School veterans, but it is really pretty funny to the whole class. Kevin was a pretty good sport during all of these hijinks. Several additional victims were picked out of the class for various duties. Four people arrived late to the class. Sister assessed these "tardy boys" a dollar each to be deposited into the pagan children's fund. It is the kind of class in which you certainly want to attain invisibility.

One lady in a mini-skirt was forced to do the kneel test. Catholic school girls were required to assure that their skirts brushed the floor upon kneeling. Any revealed skin was measured. The victim, now beet red, returned to her seat. Sister provided a handkerchief so she could cover herself. And she did use the handkerchief until class was dismissed.

Especially amusing was Sister's take on Catholic guilt. According to her, the Jews invented guilt, but the Catholics perfected it.

All students who did not attend Catholic schools got second class educations because their parents didn't care.

"Late Nite Catechism" may not be great theater, but it is an extremely enjoyable evening with little premiums from the parish store for willing participating students/victims. In the Applause café, there are even Catholic school themed treats like "Holy Water," "Sacred Wine," and (believe it or not) Pope-corn (served in a replica of a Pontiff's MITRE).

Catechism Classes continue nightly (with some matinees) through the end of January. Along with the laughs there is lots of good information (especially for non-Catholics). For Catholics, it is more like a flash back from an acid trip come back to haunt them after 20-40 years. Tickets are available at the Starlight Theatre website, at the box office, or on the telephone at (816) 363-7827.

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