RECAP: From the Top to the Chopping Block

The maiden voyage of TV's next big celebreality flop, SPLASH, has just come to an anti-climactic end - cue DANCING's big intro. Flash, flash, same clip we've watched a hundred times, flash. Thundering, cliché score. Sweeping, bold and totally obvious statement - "to be the best... it takes hard work... dedication... and talent." Flash, flash, clips from last night's episode that we'll see at least two more times tonight alone, flash. Lame segue from Tom and Brooke into elimination. And then, in the first five minutes of the show, a great harbinger of doom - Ingo is the first star safe from elimination and Kellie is on the chopping block.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't that big of a surprise, even if it was a bit of an outrage. We all know there is a significant overlap in DANCING and GENERAL HOSPITAL's demographics (both are tired, completely played out, and yet strangely addicting, so I guess it makes sense). And Derek really isn't doing Kellie any favors right now.

Is it just me or is that guy totally off-putting? I'm starting to think we might all be better off if he takes his conceptual ambition and hunger for innovation away from the ballroom dance floor and finds a more suitable venue for it. Yes, yes, we all know you're special (and yes you did choreograph a pretty killer gravity-defying routine in your 7-ton rotating chamber), but this just isn't about you, Derek. Face it, man, you messed up this week.

With so few stars remaining, some of the good ones were bound to end up in the bottom, but that didn't make it hurt any less to see Jacoby standing in the spotlight with Kellie wearing that ridiculous cowboy hat. Thankfully, the fans were merciful once more and sent Sean packing not a moment too soon.

Now, we are down to the final five, and the early contenders are still around and getting stronger each week. Fingers crossed that the soap lovers see reason and don't try to send Ingo through as one of the top three, because otherwise it is going to be a fair and thrilling fight to the finish.

For highlights from this week's elimination, check out the breakdown below:

The Encore

It was the judges' turn to pick the repeat routine again this week and, of course, it was a no-brainer for them. How could they possibly turn down the first Perfect Score of the season? But watching Zendaya, Val and Gleb give it a second go only reminded me how stupid the Encore really is. It's never as good as the first time and kind of cheapens the magic of the performance.

The Fan-Assigned Dance Styles

This week, DANCING asked fans to tweet which type of dance they'd like to see their favorite stars perform next week. The list, which included some obscure styles, left a few of the stars baffled, uncertain and, in Kellie's case, grappling with pronunciation (because flamenco isn't at all phonetic), but most were pleased with what the fans picked for them. Sean was assigned Disco, which was met with an unrestrained laugh from Peta, but luckily for us all, that won't be an issue. The rest were as follows:

- Kellie: flamenco

- Ingo: Charleston

- Zendaya: hip hop (surprise)

- Aly: afro jazz

- Jacoby: lindy hop

The Cutest Waste of Time

This week, rather than find another deserving AT&T Spotlight performer, DANCING decided to do a day-in-life sketch with Ingo's son, Peanut. No, seriously. His name is Peanut. Which is only moderately condonable because the kid is so freaking cute. Apparently, he spends his time jumping on couches with Jacoby and alternating between driving a mini car down the halls and camping out there to play pranks on people.

...Wait a minute. You don't think this is another ploy to garner votes for Ingo and level the playing field, do you?

The Performances

There's no better way to kick off a performance than to announce that the star has recently recovered from a neck injury then cut to a shot of him doing a headstand. Great juxtaposition, guys. But it seems like Jason Derulo is back at full capacity, because he totally killed it out there (performing his latest single "The Other Side") and nobody had to call an ambulance. The moves were cool, his muscles were cool and he did a pretty cool magic trick that vanished him from the front of the room to the back in a few short seconds (I'm still trying to figure out how they managed that one).

Taking the stage after him was Emeli Sande, and it's easy to see how she smashed The Beatles' 50-year record by clinging to a spot in the top ten of the U.K. charts for 63 consecutive weeks (which Tom could not mention enough times). She was poised and powerful with a subtle edge, and she has got a set of pipes on her that could bring any house down.

The Chopping Block

The absurd highlight of tonight's elimination was coming back from the final commercial break to find Kellie, Sean and Jacoby atop a long flight of stairs. Like, I-didn't-know-the-ceiling-was-that-high long. They actually dragged this monstrous set piece out onto the stage just so they could tell Kellie she was safe and leave her at the top then have the remaining two couples walk all the way down it to hear their fate. Talk about a walk of shame for Sean, who seemed to know he was on his way out from The Moment the show started, if his pitiful muttering was any indication.

Also, talk about melodrama. Get it together, DANCING. There's still a week to go before you're allowed to stoop to that sort of theatric ridiculousness.

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