Quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON Week of 8/3

Below, check out quotables from NBC's 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON', for the week of August 3!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.3.15

You guys, we have Meryl Streep here tonight! To show you how good an actress she is - I'm actually Meryl Streep. (Isn't that amazing? Thank you, thank you very much.)

That's right, we have Meryl Streep on the show. I don't want to brag but between the two of us, we've been nominated for 19 Academy Awards. (And TWO Kid's Choice Awards.)

Let's get to some news here. In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said that one of the jobs that prepared her to be president was "sliming fish in Alaska." As opposed to BILL, who learned by catching crabs in Cancun. (What are you talking about?! Seafood! Guess they both like seafood.)

And little bad news for Donald Trump. I saw that he had to fire one of his campaign advisers over the weekend for posting racist comments on Facebook. Yeah, apparently, he was supposed to post them on Twitter.

And this was pretty big. After Donald Trump gave out Lindsey Graham's personal phone number a couple weeks ago, today, the website Gawker gave out Trump's personal cell phone number. Which backfired when Trump just speed-insulted everyone who called him. (ANSWERING PHONE) "Loser!" (AGAIN) "Moron!" (AGAIN) "Idiot!" (AGAIN) "Oh Hey Busey whatsup?!"

And get this, I read that Jeb Bush's campaign and the super-PACs supporting him have raised more than 120 million dollars so far. In fact Jeb's campaign was this weekend's 2nd highest grossing Mission Impossible.

Meanwhile, Chris Christie, John Kasich and Rick Perry are currently fighting for the final two spots in this Thursday's Republican debate. It's gonna be tough - I mean, Chris Christie REALLY wants those two spots.

Hey, I want to say Happy Birthday to Tom Brady, who turned 38 years old today. He had a really great party - but it got weird when someone caught him letting the air out of the balloons.

Yep, Today was Tom Brady's birthday. And if you want to get him a gift - you can't go wrong with a new phone!

But the big sports story is Ronda Rousey, who defended her title as women's UFC champion this weekend when she knocked out her opponent in just 34 seconds. While her boyfriend retained his title as "man with least power over the remote control." (GUY) "Whatever you want!"

And this is just crazy. The head of the Drug Enforcement Agency, Chuck Rosenberg, said he thinks marijuana is "probably not" as dangerous as heroin and then added that he's not an expert on drugs. It got even weirder when he said, "But I AM an expert on hugs - now get in here!" (Hugs not drugs!)

And this is kind of a weird story. I read that two alcohol distilleries in China are under investigation for spiking their liquor with Viagra. Which brings new meaning to the words "stiff cocktail."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.4.15

You guys, we have the great Don Rickles on the show tonight! Yep, a guy known for brilliantly insulting everyone in the room - or as Donald Trump calls him, (TRUMP) "The original me!"

But here's what PEOPLE ARE TALKING about. Last night was the Voters First Republican Forum in New Hampshire, where all the candidates got together for some tough talk about the election. Yeah, at one point Senator Lindsey Graham said his foreign policy would be a choice between a "clenched fist and an open hand." I hope he gets elected just so we can hear more of his threats. (LINDSEY GRAHAM) "So what's it gonna be, Putin? You want the Dwayne Johnson (HOLD UP CLENCHED FIST) or the Real Housewives?" (SWAT WITH OPEN HAND) "You tell me, what's it gonna be?"

Lindsey Graham also praised the days when Republicans and Democrats would work together and get drinks afterwards. In fact he even said, quote, "Maybe we need to drink more in Washington." Then someone told him, "Senator Graham, the debate's over. You're talking to a lamp." (DRUNK) "YOU'RE the one that is a lamp!"

And I don't know what to make of this, but I saw that the International Olympic Committee is officially recognizing Ultimate Frisbee, which means it might actually be in the next Olympics. They say Ultimate Frisbee will be the first Olympic sport where athletes are disqualified for NOT testing positive for drugs. "I'll meet you in the quad, man!"

And this is just crazy, but they just reported that over the weekend in Iran, temperatures reached 165 degrees, one of the highest temperatures ever recorded on earth. In fact, it was so hot in Iran, American flags burst into flames on their own.

It was so hot they changed their name from Iran, to I WALKED.

This is pretty amazing. I heard that a woman in New Jersey turned 110 years old last weekend, and said that she drank three beers and a shot of whiskey every day for 70 years. Which is always fun, til the next morning when she has to do the walker-of-shame. (EMBARRASSED WALK WITH WALKER) "Crap, did I forget my teeth??"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.5.15

Tomorrow night is the first Republican debate. Which means Donald Trump's hair and makeup team should be getting started right about NOW. (First they gotta tranquilize his hair...) (Trump as Travolta Impression)

Check this out. Facebook is partnering with Fox News for the debate tomorrow to provide questions and track voters' responses to the candidates. Which will get weird when they're like, "This next question is from someone named 'Mitt' - and he says, 'Ya miss me yet?'"

The debate rules also state that the highest-polling candidate is given the middle podium, which means Donald Trump will be center stage tomorrow night. Well that and the fact that he was going to stand there anyway. (TRUMP) "Move it loser!"

I saw that in a recent interview, Donald Trump said Scott Walker and Marco Rubio both gave him gifts in recent years, but he's already lost them. It got worse when they asked what those gifts were, and Trump was like, (TRUMP) "Puppies." ("Very useless creatures.")

Get this. In an interview last month, Ted Cruz talked about his favorite foods, and said he would like to roast a pig on the south lawn of the White House. While Chris Christie started talking about his favorite foods in an interview last month and that interview is still going on. ("There's pizza, and pepperoni, and Pringles and-those are the p's. Now the Q-foods: Quinoa, Quesadillas...")

And did you hear about this? Delta and United Airlines announced this week that they will no longer allow passengers to transport animals that they killed on hunting trips. Which begs the question: "There was a time when you COULD do that?!" (I can't bring on a bottle of water but the dude next to me has an elephant in an overhead bin?)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.6.15

I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon. And after tonight's Republican debate, let me just be the first to say - PLEASE COME BACK, JON STEWART! (We can't do this alone!)

That's right, tonight was the first Republican debate over on FOX News. And the moderator, Chris Wallace, said there's quote "so doggone many" candidates, and that he planned on asking them some, quote, "doozies." He would've said more but he had to go back to the soda shop he works at in 1954. (OLD-TIMEY) "It's a doggone doozy I tell ya!"

Some more political news. In an interview yesterday, Secretary of State John Kerry warned Congress that rejecting the nuclear deal would be, quote, "the ultimate screwing." So top THAT quote, Winston Churchill! "Never have so many, been so screwed, so ultimately."

And did you see this? It's being reported that Pope Francis has invited Oprah to meet with him at the Vatican. Oprah said, "Actually, can we do it at my place instead? There's a little more room."

And this was just in the news today. Apparently there was a little bit of a controversy at a Whole Foods in California that was charging six bucks for something called "Asparagus Water." People were upset over this. Although, if you like drinking water that smells like asparagus, you're probably a dog and that's a toilet.

Oh, and here's a local story. As part of something called "Summer Streets," a 270-foot water slide is being set up in New York City this month. So tune into your local news to see how that goes horribly wrong!

And finally, I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but I saw that Lay's is once again letting people vote on its newest flavor of potato chips. Or as Americans put it, "Finally, an election we CARE about!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.7.15

Yesterday was the kid's table debate. Actually, they were exchaning words before the debate even started. In fact, I read that during a recent conversation with a Republican donor, Jeb Bush referred to Donald Trump as a "buffoon," a "clown," and an "a-hole." Then Trump was like, (TRUMP) "That's right, I'm a total triple threat!" ("I'm THAT good.")

But it's no surprise people took a few shots at Trump at these debates. It just seems like he's fighting with everyone. In fact, now he's suing celebrity chef José Andrés for backing out of a restaurant deal due to Trump's offensive remarks about Mexicans. Then Trump said he didn't need him anyway, and told his assistant, (TRUMP) "Get me Senor Frog!" That's not a real person.

And one of the candidates at the early debate, George Pataki said that his routine before every debate is to drink a diet lemon Snapple iced tea and pray. Which is also the advice Chris Christie gets from his doctor.

But no matter what happened at that debates, everyone's still concentrating on raising money. I saw that Jeb Bush's campaign is trying to raise more money by selling guacamole bowls on its website for 75 dollars. 75 dollars for a guacamole bowl! Even Chipotle was like, "Damn, son!" ("Maybe we should fund YOUR campaign!") (Guacamole act-out).

Meanwhile, a clothing company is making t-shirts inspired by Bernie Sanders with messages, like, "Feel the Bern." They were gonna make them for Lincoln Chafee too, but no one wants to wear a shirt that says "Feel the Chafee."

And I saw that a reporter asked Joe Biden if he's running for president and he said, quote, "Only if you're my running mate." The reporter was like, "But I'm totally unqualified!" and Biden was like, "Whoa - look who came up with our campaign slogan!" ("Welcome aboard!")

Did you see this? At a recent education summit, President Obama admitted that he can't rap. When they heard, Americans were like, "Good!" (That is literally the one thing we don't care if our president can do. Can you negotiate with Iran? Great. You're good.)

I found this kind of surprising. But according to a new survey, about half of the world thinks kissing is gross. That half is known as "married people" (PUSHING FACE AWAY) "Come on, stop it. I love you too, but I gotta pay these bills online, so..."

To post a comment, you must register and login.