Quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON Week of 8/17

Below, check out quotables from NBC's 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' August 17 - August 21:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.17.15

I saw that Donald Trump reported for jury duty today in New York City. Marking the first time someone didn't have to PRETEND they were racist or sexist to get out of jury duty. (TRUMP) "That's where I stand on broads. Now on to Mexicans..."

Actually, both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton went to the Iowa State Fair over the weekend. Things got awkward when Donald Trump got on the merry-go-around ahead of Hillary and said, (LOOKING BACK) "You'll never catch me!"

And did you see this? Donald Trump actually wound up giving kids at the fair free rides on his helicopter. Even the drunk guy running the tilt-a-whirl was like, "Is that safe?"

And now there are reports that if Joe Biden runs for president, he would promise to serve for only one term. Cuz nothing says confidence like promising your presidency would be over quickly. (BIDEN) "Seriously! You'll barely even notice it!"

And here's some local news. I read that New York Governor Andrew Cuomo just signed a bill that bans powdered alcohol from the state. So if you live in New York and your consuming powdered alcohol, your life just somehow got even worse.

Check this out. Guinness World Records just declared a cat named Corduroy the oldest living cat, at 26 years old. Or as his owner put it, "Don't remind me."

And finally some sports news. At this weekend's Rogers Cup semifinals in Montreal, tennis star Novak Djokovic complained that the smell of marijuana near the court was throwing off his game. Which really is classic Djokovic - great on clay, but always struggles on grass.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.18.15

Of course, it's the election. And according to a new poll, Jeb Bush saw a 6 percent drop in support after the first debate, but experts say he still has a shot because he's "likeable" and "qualified." Then Donald Trump was like, "Weird - cuz the opposite is working for me!"

And this is interesting. I read that all of the candidates' campaign pages on Facebook have thousands or millions of likes, except for Jim Gilmore, who has just over 200 likes. You know your campaign is in trouble when you're doing slightly WORSE than a co-worker who just got a new dog.

Meanwhile, I read that the White House is worried about Joe Biden's potential run for president, and a source says they fear that it wouldn't have, quote, "the right outcome." That's right, they think he might win.

And I heard that Bill and Hillary Clinton were seen dancing together at a PARTY ON Martha's Vineyard last weekend. Hillary said it was a lovely night - while Bill said, (CLINTON) "I gotta quit drinking..." (I hooked up with WHO??)

Some news out of Washington. This week, the Obama Administration warned China to remove its secret agents from the U.S. Which got weird when in the middle of Obama's announcement, a plant behind him got up and walked away.

Oh and get this, I read that apparently Obama's favorite cocktail is a martini. When asked how he likes it, he was like, "On the beach, in Hawaii, in 2017." (My favorite drink is on the beach. My favorite food is an apple."

And this is interesting. According to a new report, the names of "Game of Thrones" characters are becoming popular for babies in the UK. One of the most popular names is Khaleesi while the LEAST popular name is "Naked Prostitute Number 10."

Jimmy Falon Quotables 8.19.15

We have the beautiful Heidi Klum on the show tonight. And I don't know if you saw this, but in a recent interview, Donald Trump was actually quoted as saying that Heidi is, "no longer a 10." But Heidi said the comment didn't bother her, especially coming from someone who was never even a 4.

Yeah, Trump's still picking fights everywhere. I fact, he recently said that he won't eat Oreos anymore because the company that makes them moved to Mexico. Then Chris Christie said, "Does that mean I can start dipping them in salsa?" (Just kidding - I already dip them in salsa.)

And this has to be the biggest birthday of the year. I want to say Happy Birthday to Bill Clinton, who turned 69 today. Or as Bill was like, (BILL, PUMPING FIST) "I've been waiting 68 years for this."

When he heard there was gonna be a 69 on his cake, he was like, (BILL) "That sounds messy but let's see it!"

Some news for travelers here. The TSA's airport body scanners have been shown to be so ineffective, the Senate Homeland Security Chairman suggested using traditional metal detectors. While LaGuardia will continue to just have a scarecrow dressed as a cop. (BROOKLYN) "That should scare away the crazy people! No one doing anything fishy. These scarecrows will stop them."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.20.15

According to a new report, Donald Trump's recent immigration plan would cost at least 166 billion dollars. When asked how he'd pay for it, Trump was like, (TRUMP) "No hablo ingles."

Actually, Trump just gave a big interview with the Hollywood Reporter. And when he was asked what actor he'd want to play him in a movie, he said, "Somebody really, really handsome." Then he said, (TRUMP) "Okay, I'll do it!" (I talked me into it!)

And listen to this. Trump said he thinks Hillary Clinton should face up to 20 years in prison over her email scandal. When they heard that, even the ladies on "Orange is The New Black" were like "Oh, god please no. Move us."

Speaking of Hillary, I read that 60 of Hillary Clinton's personal emails are being inspected by the Justice Department have been flagged as containing classified information. Whereas all of my Mom's emails have been flagged as containing NO information. (MOM) "What time dinner love honey good!" What does that mean?

Some celebrity news. I heard that Nicki Minaj suffered a wardrobe malfunction during a concert in Vancouver. Yeah, apparently through some freak accident, her top came ON. (It was very embarrassing. She was practically covered from head to toe.)

And check this out. Starbucks just announced that its Pumpkin Spice Latte will now include real pumpkin. You'll know the drink has real pumpkin when it tastes disgusting. (Mmm, SQUASH coffee!)

A little local news here. According to a new report, the Cadillac Escalade EXT is the most popular car driven in New York. Partly because they're stylish, but mostly because New Yorkers like to have a place to stretch out when they leave their apartments.

And finally, I heard about a new kind of underwear that can supposedly protect you from radiation caused by your laptop and phone. So overall, it's been a pretty great week for deez nuts.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.21.15

Welcome to The Tonight Show! Here's what PEOPLE ARE TALKING about.

In an interview this week, Jeb Bush said that if he had a magic wand, there at least 10 things he would like change about the Constitution. Then Jeb Bush was given the prize for lamest use of a magic wand. (NERD) "I'll have a Lamborghini made of gold, a beautiful princess...edits to the Constitution of course!"

Speaking of Jeb Bush, a new poll shows that Jeb Bush is now even more unpopular than Donald Trump. Or as Jeb put it, (CONFIDENT) "Well, at least there's ONE POLL where I'm ahead of Trump."

And did you see this? Donald Trump had an interview with CNN in the lobby of the Trump Tower hotel this week, and apparently someone yelled, "You will never win the Latino vote." So immediately Trump had the guy deported over to a La Quinta hotel.

Trump was also recently quoted saying he can't remember the last time he apologized. Then his barber said, "Well I DEFINITELY remember the last time I apologized."

Trump also said he wouldn't run as anyone's vice president if he loses the nomination. Which is good. I mean, can you imagine a vice president who just says weird, random stuff whenever he wants?

Of course, another big story this week was the hack of the cheating website Ashley Madison. And the hackers are saying that about 95 percent of its users are male, and most of the female profiles are fake. When asked how she felt about that, Ashley Madison herself said, (DEEP VOICE) "That's just horrible."

And this seemed kind of weird to me. A museum in Ohio is recycling celebrity wax figures to use in scenes from the Bible. Yeah, it features Tom Cruise as Jesus, John Travolta as King Solomon, and Larry King as Larry King. (LARRY KING) "Jerusalem! Go ahead with your call!"

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