Quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON Week of 7/20

Below, check out quotables from NBC's 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' July 20 - July 27

I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon - or as Donald Trump calls me, "Not a war hero!" (He pretty much calls everyone that now.)

I'm sure you've heard about this. Donald Trump got in some trouble for saying that John McCain is not a war hero, and said quote, "I like people that weren't captured." Not good - in fact Trump's people are telling him to lay low for a while until this all combs over.

It seems like everyone is focused on Trump right now. In fact, Rick Perry said Donald Trump is unfit to be President and called for him to immediately withdraw from the race. Then he said, "And that's coming from ME!"

Yeah, Perry actually said Trump is a toxic mix of demagoguery and nonsense who is unfit to be President. Then Perry took off his glasses and was like, (PERRY, TAKE OF GLASSES) "Whoa! I think these things are magic!"

And did you see this? Hillary Clinton recently questioned Uber's employment policies, because she believes their employees should have benefits. Not to be confused with Bill, who believes his FRIENDS should have benefits.

Oh and a lot of people were freaked out by this. The dating website AshleyMadison.com, which is that site where married people go to find someone to have an affair with? Is it really a dating website? Well, it was hacked yesterday, and now the hackers are threatening to release information about its users. Which I guess is ONE way to cut down on the number of people running for president.

And finally I thought this was nice. Brad Pitt recently revealed a tattoo on his arm that features the initials of his wife and all of their children. Which sounds sweet until you realize he's using it to remember his kids names. "I love you so much - (CHECK ARM) "Todd?" "Audrey!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.21.15

Donald Trump has struck again. Yep, in a televised speech in South Carolina today, Donald Trump responded to criticisms from Senator LINDSAY Graham by giving out Graham's personal cell phone number. Yeah, Graham knew something was up when he saw he had more than one missed call. "FIVE missed calls?? Is it my birthday??"

Yeah, Trump's not backing down. Yesterday, he said that he doesn't need to be lectured by the other Republican candidates, who he says have no business running for president. Not to be confused with Donald Trump, who ran for president and now has no business.

And I saw that Scott Walker is campaigning in Iowa and said he hopes to drive his RV across all of the state's 99 counties. Which would be great if that wasn't the backstory of nearly every serial killer. (GRUFF, BURNED OUT) "I need to hit the road. Get off the grid for a while..."

And in a recent interview, Carly Fiorina said that she thinks she will be one of the top ten candidates invited to the first Republican debate, despite currently polling 14th. Which is like when I said I'd find a date to the prom, halfway through the prom. (VOICE CRACK) "I'm telling you, guys - I'm just really picky! Hey, Shelly, I was just -- never mind. Roberta-- Mildred--"

Here's some news out of Washington. I read that Republicans in Congress are getting concerned that President Obama is going to try to use the final year of his term to push through too many controversial laws. Obama would've responded but he was busy drafting his new "Mandatory Mexican gay weed" Bill. (He doesn't care what anybody thinks! He's going for it!)

Speaking of Washington, I heard that the State Fair in Washington D.C. has announced it will be hosting a competition to see who's grown the best marijuana plant. The only problem with getting someone at a state fair to judge weed, is that there's no one left to run the tilt-a-whirl. (STONER) "I usually just set it and forget it, let 'em spin for a while."

And this wasn't good. Google revealed last week that one of its prototype self-driving cars got into an accident when it was rear-ended by a normal car. Although when the guy got out to argue after the accident, the Google car just threatened to release his search history. (COMPUTER) "Lot of weird stuff on there, Dave. You sure you wana do this?" (GUY) "You're right...Y'know what? This was my fault."

And this kind of weird. I heard that a bar in London is serving different cocktails in the form of clouds that you simply walk through and inhale. Not to be confused with the OTHER place where you inhale drinks - a wedding reception. Is this over? Can we cut the cake already?

And in a new campaign ad, Jeb Bush referenced "The Godfather" and said that his nickname used to be "Veto Corleone" because he vetoed so many bills in Florida. That story again, Jeb Bush hasn't watched ALL of "The Godfather."

Yeah, Jeb Bush released a campaign ad that talks about how Jeb was compared to Vito Corleone from "The Godfather." Though when you're the third person in your family to run for president, maybe don't bring up a movie trilogy where the third one was clearly the worst.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.22.15

Welcome to The Tonight Show! Here's what PEOPLE ARE TALKING about.

Of course, it's our pal Donald Trump. Yesterday a major Iowa newspaper published an op-ed against Trump that called him a "self-absorbed," "wholly unqualified," "feckless blowhard." Or as Trump put it, "You forgot VERY RICH. I'm a VERY RICH self-absorbed wholly unqualified feckless blowhard!" They're very angry.

And after Donald Trump made Lindsey Graham's phone number public yesterday, Graham said he is getting a new phone. Which explains Lindsey's new campaign slogan: "New phone, who dis?"

And in a new interview, Lindsey Graham criticized Donald Trump's recent actions - and I think you can tell he's getting mad. Check it out:

I love how gentle he sounds. (SOUTHERN) "You can call me apple pie, cuz he is about to get a piece of me! I am just so upset right. Gonna turn into the Hulk. My shirt's gonna rip off like the Hulk. You're just buttering my biscuits right now. And I don't like my biscuits with butter. I like them with gravy, thank you very much."

Meanwhile, Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 16th Republican to announce he's running for president yesterday, and I read that during his speech he referred to Jesus Christ. Which is ironic because so did Americans when they heard ANOTHER Republican was running for president. Cheese and crackers, another candidate!

And this was in the news today. Joe Biden was spotted with a bruise on his face that was apparently caused by his dog. Yeah, I guess they collided when they both ran after the same tennis ball. It happens!

Of course the other big news this week is that the U.S. officially re-established diplomatic ties with Cuba. John Kerry spoke on the issue yesterday, and he even gave part of his speech in Spanish. Which brings us to a new segment called, "Politicians Try to Speak Spanish."

And tonight was the big premiere of "Sharknado 3" over on the Syfy channel. I watched it, and I think the best actor was me, just now, saying I watched "Sharknado 3." (It'll never be as good as the book.)

But this isn't good. A new report claims that hackers are able to break into the Uconnect system in Chrysler cars, and take control of the vehicles remotely. Though based on the average age of people who drive Chryslers, that probably makes them safer. (OLD) "Which one is the brake again? It rolled down the window!"

And finally everyone was talking about this today. After the VMA nominations were announced last night, I guess Nicki Minaj felt snubbed, and apparently tweeted a jab at Taylor Swift, saying your video has to have 'women with slim bodies" to get nominated. Taylor then tweeted back that women shouldn't turn on each other, and maybe one of the men took her slot. Apparently they've already made up, but not before a lot of other people got involved. Kim Kardashian ALSO seemed to throw shade at Taylor by tweeting "Imma let you finish."

She then apologized with this tweet, "I'm not trying to shade anyone! That's not my style! I just thought that caption was perfect for that pic! Changing the caption now! #ironic." Seemed innocent enough. But then after that, Alanis Morissette sent her own tweet that said: "Hey, are you throwing shade at my song 'Ironic'? How dare you?? It was a huge hit in 96! #YouOughtaKnow." Then after that, Larry King responded: "Are you throwing shade at my age? I'm 96, but I can still get it done when it counts! #TalkinBoutSexBaby." Then after that, Salt-N-Pepa responded, "Are you throwing shade at our song 'Let's Talk About Sex'? #EverybodyHasSex." Then after that, Tim Tebow responded, "Are you throwing shade at how I never have sex? It's my choice! #NoRingNoFling." Then after that, Tom Brady responded, "Hey, at least SOMEBODY here can throw! #ShadeThrown." Then after that, Tim Tebow responded, "At least MY balls are the right size! #ShadeHandedOff." To which Larry King responded, "Like I told you, they still work just fine! #LaidInTheShade."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.23.15

It's still Donald Trump. Yep, today Trump went to Texas to visit the border between the U.S. and Mexico. And when he got there, other Republicans pushed him over the border and went, (SHOVE) "Your problem now! You gotta deal with this guy! He's on your side!"

And get this, the FEC released Donald Trump's financial disclosure yesterday, and it revealed that he received royalties of less than 200 dollars for most of his books. Yeah, the bad news is, the books aren't selling; but the GOOD news is - looks like he's got something to build that Mexican fence with! (TRUMP) "It's a very classy book-fence!"

And in a recent interview, Republican candidate George Pataki said his dogs would give him the best endorsement for becoming our next president. You know, until they hear Chris Christie always carries bacon in his pockets. (Jokes on them, though, he's never gonna give them any of that pocket bacon. It's what gets him through long meetings!)

Meanwhile, Republican candidate Ben Carson told reporters he thinks American prisons might be too comfortable. As opposed to Mexican prisons that have personal showers with five-million-dollar escape tunnels.

And this is kind of hard to believe, but One Direction just CELEBRATED its fifth anniversary as a band. Yeah you can tell they've been together for five years just from the title of their new song called "What do you want to do for dinner, I don't care whatever you want."

And this is cool. Doctor Seuss's unpublished manuscript called "What Pet Should I Get?" was released this week, marking his third publication in the past four years. Even Tupac was like, "Are we SURE this guy's dead? (Er, I mean, my name's Larry, welcome to Applebee's...)"

And this isn't good. A new report claims that hackers are able to break into the Uconnect system in Chrysler cars, and take control of the vehicles remotely. Though based on the average age of people who drive Chryslers, that probably makes them safer. (OLD) "Which one is the brake again? It rolled down the window!

And I saw that there are rumors that Hostess is planning to release a product being described as "frozen fried Twinkies." You know, cuz the name "Laboratory-Created Diabetes Bombs" was too clunky.

And listen to this. There are reports that Sony Pictures is developing a new movie based on Emojis. At this point, we're like 5 years away from kids asking, "Mom, what were words?"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.24.15

It seems like it's Donald Trump this week. He's been all over the news, but he's still struggling to be seen as a legitimate candidate by Republicans. In fact, now Trump is threatening to start campaigning as a third-party candidate if the Republican Party doesn't become more supportive. Of course, a lot of Republicans say you need to give respect to get respect. To which Trump says, (TRUMP) "Whatever, LOSERS!"

But Trumps got everybody all worked up. In fact one GOP Congressman named Carlos Curbelo actually suggested that Donald Trump may be a "phantom candidate" that has been planted by the Democrats. The DNC strongly denied this - while Hillary said, "Crap, they figured it out! Take off the wig, Bill." (CLINTON) "You're fired! Heh heh. I was just getting good at it!"

Speaking of Hillary, a new poll also shows that a majority of people in Colorado think Hillary Clinton is not trustworthy. Although, that's not saying much coming from the most paranoid state in America. (STONED)"Hillary Clinton? She a cop?" She's a cop? What are you talking about?

The other big contender for the Democratic nomination is Bernie Sanders, who a lot of people are just getting to know. And in an interview this week, Bernie said that his greatest weakness is that he is not as sociable as he could be. When asked why, he picked up a BANANA and pretended he was getting a phone call. (ON BANANA) "Uh, sorry - I can't really talk anymore. Gotta take this."

Oh this is pretty weird. I read that this week, China is hosting something called a World Cup soccer tournament for robots called "RoboCup 2015," and the engineers' goal is for robots to face humans in the real World Cup by 2050. Then robots said "Oh no, you'll be long gone by then."

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