Quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON, Week of 4/6

Below, check out monologue quotables fromNBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON, for the week of April 6:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.6.15

Of course it's the presidential race for 2016, which continues to heat up. And and get this, in a recent interview, Robert De Niro actually said that he hoped Hillary Clinton would be the next president. He gave her a very strong endorsement - he was like,

(DE NIRO, NODDING) "She's pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good." That's a lot for Robert De Niro.

But President Obama still has a couple more years left. He's been traveling a lot recently. In fact, I saw that he just made his first presidential trip to the state of Utah. Obama spent his time in Utah just like you'd expect - telling people, (OBAMA) "Uh...no, I don't play for the Jazz."

While he was in Utah, Obama discussed immigration reform with leaders of the Mormon church. Yep, Obama introduced the First Lady. Then the church's president introduced HIS First Lady. And his Second Lady. And his Third, Fourth and Fifth Ladies.

And this isn't good. Jeb Bush is facing criticism after it was just revealed that he checked off his race as "Hispanic" on a voter registration form back in 2009. When asked if he regrets it now, Bush was like, (SAD) "Si."

Oh, and there was a big upset in March Madness over the weekend. On Saturday, the Wisconsin Badgers beat the undefeated Kentucky Wildcats to play in tonight's National Championship. When asked how they felt about the loss, Kentucky's players were already in the NBA. (Couldn't care less.)

Speaking of sports. Today was OPENING DAY for Major League Baseball! I love OPENING DAY - especially when they have retired LEGENDS come back to take the ceremonial urine test. (OLD) "This might take awhile."

It seems like everybody went and saw Furious 7 this weekend. Yeah, it came in #1 at the box office with over 143 million dollars. When asked how "Furious 7" made so much money, husbands said, "Revenge for '50 Shades of Grey'."

Of course, Tax Day is coming up. But according to a new report, the IRS is ignoring over 60 percent of its customer service calls less than two weeks before the deadline. So I think we should all skip paying our taxes just so when the IRS calls, we can go, "Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line..."

And finally, this is cool. I read that ABC is working on bringing back "The Muppet Show." When asked why he's coming back, Kermit said, (KERMIT) "Divorce is a real bitch." (It ain't easy LOSIN' green, either!)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.7.15

A big political story. During a speech in Kentucky today, Senator Rand Paul became the second major candidate to officially join the 2016 presidential race, in addition to Ted Cruz. Yeah, they're the only two candidates. Which means if the election were held today...Hillary would STILL win somehow. I don't know how. And she's not even a candidate.

Speaking of Hillary. I read that she actually plans to travel without Bill after she launches her campaign. Yeah, they tried reaching Bill for comment but he was busy high-fiving literally everyone he knew. (BILL) "Imma have a great summer It's gonna be a GOOD summer, oh my goodness."

But yeah, Rand Paul is officially running. He even revealed his campaign slogan, which is "Defeat the Washington machine. Unleash the American dream." Yeah, it's hard to tell if he's running for President or doing an infomercial for Bowflex. (INTENSE TRAINER) "Defeat the machine, unleash the dream!"

And did you see this? There was a massive power outage in Washington D.C. today that affected a number of federal buildings, including the White House. When asked when they could restore power to the White House, officials were like, (CHECK WATCH) "2016?"

Actually, the blackout at the White House only lasted about 10 seconds. Then Obama was like, (SMOKING, FRANTICALLY PUT OUT CIGARETTE) "Uh...everything okay? Everything alright? , Michelle? You all good? (WAFT AWAY SMOKE) Smells like a transformer must've blown or something.

This is pretty amazing. I read that a GoPro camera just survived a 10-thousand-foot fall with its footage intact after it was accidentally kicked off of a skydiver's helmet. Meanwhile, your iPhone just fell two feet onto a pile of marshmallows and is now completely useless.

Listen to this. A new survey found that a growing number of Millenials want to work from home and get more time off. They would have said more, but they had to pick up their gold star for participating in that survey. Great job.

This is pretty impressive. I heard that a 100-year-old woman from Japan recently completed a 1,500-meter freestyle swim in just one hour and 16 minutes. Yeah, one of the sharks circling her was like, (AS WITH FOOD THAT MAY HAVE GONE BAD) "Does this still look good to you? I'll wait I'll wait."

And finally, according to a new study, students who write out their class notes instead of typing them have a better understanding of the lessons. While students who pay a friend for Xerox copies of THEIR notes are more likely to one day host "The Tonight Show." (Thanks again, Denise!) (POINT TO CAMERA, WINK)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.8.15

Of course yesterday, Rand Paul officially announced that he is running for president. And many noticed that while he made the announcement in Kentucky, parts of Washington D.C. briefly suffered massive power outages. Then Hillary plugged the reactor back in and went, (EVIL CACKLE) Mwah ha ha ha!

And more trouble for Hillary Clinton. It's been reported that the Clintons went on a Christmas vacation in the Dominican Republic last year, and taxpayers had to pay the hotel bill for the Secret Service, which came to 100 thousand dollars. And that was just for the mini bar.

Some more political news. In a recent interview, Arizona Senator John McCain announced that he plans on running for a sixth term because he is concerned about the nation's security. He plans to help just like any other 80-year-old: by sitting on his porch with a police scanner. Get outta here, punk! Get off my lawn.

Actually, John McCain addressed critics who believe he will be too old to run for a sixth term in the Senate, saying that he's still healthy and ready to go. Then people around McCain were like, "Why is he talking to that Old Navy mannequin?" (MCCAIN) "I was in the Navy too!"

Yeah, John McCain responded to critics who say he's too old for a sixth term by saying that his mother is 103 years old and doing well. The crazy thing is, even SHE is somehow younger than John McCain. (I don't know how that's possible.)

Oh, listen to this. I read that Leonardo DiCaprio is planning to develop an eco-conscious resort on the private island he owns in Belize. They say it will be the first island powered exclusively by supermodels on Soul Cycles. (Everybody stand up now. Everybody sit down...)

This was pretty big, I saw that the handwritten lyrics to Don McLean's classic song "American Pie" were auctioned off yesterday and sold for 1.2 million dollars. In fact McLean has already dubbed April 7th "the Day the Music Paid for my Boat." He doesn't need them, right?

And I saw that Pinterest is celebrating five years as a company. In a statement, Pinterest said, "We're happy to be marking five years as the world's top...whatever the hell we are." (A blog, or whatever...weird registry? I have no idea what you are.)

Some sports news here. The NBA is sending representatives to host a basketball clinic in Cuba, making it the first American pro sports organization to visit Cuba since we restored diplomatic relations. Then Major League Baseball was like, "Riiiiight. They're the first..."

Speaking of baseball. The National Hot Dog and Sausage Council said that the Cleveland Indians sell the best hot dog in baseball. Although "National Hot Dog and Sausage Council" sounds more like how you'd describe a party where there's too many dudes. "Man this party's a real Hot Dog and Sausage Council."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.9.15

I saw that yesterday, President Obama traveled to Jamaica, where he will meet with students and Caribbean leaders. Of course, Jamaica's such a beautiful place, Obama says he can't wait to just TAKE IT ALL in - hold it for several seconds, then exhale.

Speaking of Obama. In a new interview, the president discussed the upcoming election and said that Hillary Clinton "is going to do great" as a presidential candidate. When asked how Biden would do, Obama said, (OBAMA) "Hillary is going to do great."

That's right, when he was asked about Hillary's candidacy, Obama said, quote, "If she's her wonderful self, I'm sure she'll do great." And he added, "If she's her OTHER self, watch out." It's nasty.

And I saw that in a new interview, Bill Clinton said that if Hillary runs, his role would be quote, "a backstage adviser to her until we get much, much closer to the election." But it didn't help that every time he said "backstage advisor" he went (CLINTON) "if you know what I mean." (What do you mean? TMI.)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.10.15

Some big political news. It's being reported that Hillary Clinton will announce she's running for president at noon on Sunday. God was like, "That's normally MY day, but I'm WAY too scared of her to say anything..."

Actually, I read that some women are concerned that Hillary Clinton is usually referred to by just her first name, which they say wouldn't happen if she were a male candidate. They think it shows a lack of respect. "You sure about that?" said Oprah, Madonna, Cher and Beyonce. (They're only the most RESPECTED PEOPLE ON THE PLANET.)

And Republican candidate Rand Paul is still facing some criticism for appearing tense in several interviews this week. But Paul addressed the issue and said that he is quote, "universally short-tempered and testy." Then he said, "Anyway, vote for me to run the country."

And this is almost too good. Chris Christie, Governor of New Jersey, we love him, and I don't want to make a joke about him, but then he goes and does something like this. He actually appeared on a local talk show in New Jersey this week, this is real, called "Pasta and Politics." (SOMBER) Unfortunately, there were no survivors.

That's right. Chris Christie appeared on a talk show in New Jersey called "Pasta and Politics." Of course, when he left it was just called "Politics".

Oh, listen to this. I read that scientists in England have developed technology that allows a person to actually "feel" holograms by using ultrasound. When asked what feeling holograms could be used for, they were like, (PANIC) "DON'T COME IN HERE!" ("I'm busy! We're Doing... uhh Science stuff! Lock the door!")

And this is pretty funny. There was a story today about a police horse in Florida named Jacob they likes to paint when he's not out on patrol. The horse in the next stall said, "Hey, that's pretty good." And the cops were like, "Oh, my god! That one talks!"

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