Quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON, Week of 3/23

Below, check out monologue quotables fromNBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON, for the week of March 23:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.23.15

Some big political news. Yesterday, Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially announced that he's running for President. Cruz said that after doing exhaustive research to see if he had a real chance to win, he said, "Screw it - I'm gonna run anyway!" That's the attitude...

That's right, Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.

And Chris Christie recently gave a speech where he warned GOP donors not to support candidates that "flip-flop" on important issues. Which is surprising - cuz if there's one thing Christie likes, it's a good waffle. He's coming on in a few weeks.

And listen to this. According to a new poll, exactly 50 percent of Americans view President Obama's presidency as a success. While the other half of Americans are actually candidates for the Republican presidential nomination. (This time Mitt Romney is the only one NOT running.)

And did you hear this? While he was discussing US-Israeli relations yesterday, John McCain told Obama to quote, "Get over your temper tantrum, Mr. President." It's pretty shocking - cuz I didn't even know Obama COULD get mad. (CALM OBAMA) "I'm... uh... so angry right now. I'm at a 10. I'm at a 10 right now. Uhh..Hulk smash." Hulk smash?

Listen to this. In an effort to curb pollution, today Paris encouraged public transportation and banned half of all personal cars from the roads. When asked if there was any other way to cut down on air pollution, the mayor of Paris was like (TAKE PUFF OF CIGARETTE) "No." (BLOW OUT SMOKE) Still nothing comes to mind.

Some more TV news. I saw that HBO is working with Snoop Dogg to develop a drama about a family living in 1980s Los Angeles. Yeah, it's called "The Wonder Yizzles."

Oh, this made me laugh. I heard about a man from Australia who dreamed of attending Michael Jordan's alma mater UNC, but accidentally went to UNC-Greensboro instead of UNC-Chapel Hill. When asked for his favorite thing Michael Jordan ever did, he was like, "Probably 'Thriller,' or 'Billie Jean.' (I'm also a big fan of TITO Jordan.)"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.24.15

The White House announced yesterday that Iraqi Prime Minister Haider al-Abadi will meet with President Obama in April - even though Haider has criticized the US for not doing enough to help the Iraqi military. When Obama heard that, he was like, [OBAMA] "Whatcha gonna do? Haiders gonna haid."

And get this, during a recent interview, the President revealed that he doesn't always get enough sleep. And I think I speak for everyone when I say... "GOOD!" We pay you to worry about stuff so we can sleep and watch Dancing with The Stars! That's why you are the President. Bummer, yeah.

That's right, President Obama admitted that he doesn't get enough sleep. But doctors said he should find little tricks to doze off, like counting intruders jumping over the White House fence. Stuff like that. (OBAMA, RELAXED) "One...two...three..."

I saw that this week marks the 25th anniversary of the release of the movie "Pretty Woman." And I know it sounds hard to believe, but before "Pretty Woman" came out, being a prostitute wasn't considered that glamorous.

Did you see this? Over the weekend, a man in Naples, Italy hand-delivered a pizza to Pope Francis while he was riding through the streets in his Popemobile. That's right, a man in Italy hand-delivered a pizza to the Pope, which means he just achieved "peak Italian."

Yeah, a man delivered a pizza to Pope Francis. Francis actually liked it more than the pizza he gets from his usual place, "Pope-A-John's." (Pizza be with you. And also with you.)

This is cool, I saw that a self-driving car left San Francisco for New York on Sunday, and will become the first self-driving car to drive across the country. It's exciting for scientists, but terrifying for the guy who just thought he was getting in an Uber. "We are a LONG way from midtown. This ghost is getting ZERO stars!"

And finally, some business news here. I saw that RadioShack's entire inventory was put up for auction yesterday. When asked if it's available on the Internet, RadioShack said, "The what now?"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.25.15

Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz said that he will in fact be signing up for Obamacare, despite saying earlier that he wants to "repeal every word of" it. And it's a good thing he's signing up, because Cruz just went to the hospital in hypocritical condition.

And during a journalism awards ceremony this week, Hillary Clinton admitted that her relationship with the press has been "complicated." On the bright side, Hillary really understands the relationship status "it's complicated."

Well, this is too bad. Today, Zayn Malik announced that he's officially leaving One Direction. They asked him, "Where are you going?" And he said, "Another direction."

A business story here. It was just announced that Kraft Foods is planning to merge with Ketchup maker Heinz. When asked why it took such a long time, Kraft said they had to turn Heinz upside-down and just wait. Can you hit the bottle? Don't hit that part.

That's right, Kraft Foods and Heinz will merge to create the fifth-largest food and beverage company in the world. The merger will combine brands like Kraft Mac & Cheese, Heinz Ketchup, Oscar Mayer wieners, and Philadelphia cream cheese. Or as stoners put it, (HIGH) "Already did that! It's pretty good." Pretty tasty snack, if you don't mind.

This isn't good. A laboratory has found that cheap wine, like Franzia, actually contains high levels of arsenic. Then people who buy boxes of Franzia wine were like, "Still has alcohol in it right?" (PUSHES BUTTON FILLS GLASS) "You kids keep it down!"

Here's a local story. I read that Toys 'R' Us might actually leave its famous location in Times Square. Apparently it's hard to get kids to buy Batman and Elmo in the store when they just saw them choking each other OUTSIDE on the sidewalk. "You stole my cigarettes you son of a--! You wanna tickle me, man?"

I heard that Mike Tyson has been cast in an action movie where he will play a street fighter who also works in real estate. Yeah, Tyson plays a real estate agent who's biggest challenge is saying the word "Escrow". (TYSON) "Your house is in Ethcrow, Eschth...crow, esth...eth."

And finally, I saw that this week, Facebook introduced its latest feature that shows users their old pictures, called "On This Day." Which beats the original name - "You Got Fat."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.26.15

Republican candidate Ted Cruz said recently that in the 36 hours after he announced that he's running for president, he's raised over one million dollars. And Hillary Clinton closed her checkbook and said, "Happy to help. Can't wait."

That's right, Ted Cruz raised over one million dollars after announcing that he's running for president. Which is why today, RadioShack announced that it is ALSO running for president. (If it worked for him!...) RadioShack! "Anyone need any 3.5 disks? VHS rewinders? No?"

And get this, yesterday Jeb Bush criticized President Obama's foreign policy and said that his administration uses "schoolyard antics." When he heard that, Obama was like, "Is this about Biden's swing set?" Because we can always take it down. It makes him happy. He gets off the seesaw first, then does the swing.

Listen to this. American Apparel is receiving criticism after someone leaked one of its casting emails that asked for "Real Models" and not "Instagram Hoes." It's a tough one, though, because in order to be mad, you kind of have to admit that you're an Instagram Hoe.

And this was pretty big news here. NASA's Mars rover just completed its first marathon after it spent the last 11 years traveling over 26 miles. Of course, the rover from Kenya was able to do it in just NINE years. But it's more the idea of completing it...

Yeah, it took 11 years to go 26 miles. Or as my grandma calls that, "driving."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.27.15

Yesterday, the White House confirmed that President Obama will meet with Pope Francis during his visit in September. Some experts are wondering if they'll discuss their disagreement over contraception. Then Joe Biden was like, "I didn't even know they were dating!"

Yeah, the president will meet with Pope Francis at the White House in September. The two will meet for about an hour or so, then the Pope will spend the rest of the day hearing confessions from Secret Service agents. Makes sense. It's crazy over there.

And this week, another potential candidate, Rand Paul said that he is "the only one" who can beat Hillary Clinton in certain swing states. Hillary was like, "That's ridiculous," while Bill was like, (CLINTON) "Did someone say 'swing'?"

This is pretty amazing. Researchers at Google are saying that its recognition software "FaceNet" can identify one person out of 260 million people with 86 percent accuracy. While I know with 100 percent accuracy that "FaceNet" is still what my mom calls Facebook. (MOM) "Hey, I sent you a message on the FaceNet!"

This is pretty cool. I saw that Oprah is auctioning off over one million dollars worth of her belongings from her Chicago apartment. Or as she calls them "her LEAST favorite things." (OPRAH) "Here's a used SHAKEWEIGHHHHT!"

This was kind of weird. The rapper Slim Thug wrote an article for the New York Times this week about why having sex with your real estate agent is a bad idea. And his real estate agent was like, "Not as bad an idea as having sex with Slim Thug." (Thanks a lot, pal. I have to work in this town.)

Check this out, you guys. Willie Nelson is apparently developing his own brand of weed and bongs. Which I guess is like his version of Oprah's garage sale. (NELSON) "I've got warehouses of this stuff I'm not using---you can smoke it."

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