Quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON - Week of 2/9

In 2014, "The Tonight Show" returned to its New York origins when "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon" made its broadcast debut from Studio 6B in Rockefeller Center. Emmy Award- and Grammy Award-winning comedian Jimmy Fallon brings a high-tempo energy to the storied NBC franchise with his welcoming interview style, love of audience participation, spot-on impersonations and innovative sketches.

An American television institution for almost 60 years, "The Tonight Show" continues to be a home to big-name celebrity guests and a stage for top musical and comedic talent. Taking a cue from his unforgettable predecessors, including hosts Johnny Carson and Jay Leno, Fallon carrys on the tradition that audiences know and love - kicking off every show with the iconic "Tonight Show" monologue. Known for his huge online presence, Fallon will brings along with him many of the popular segments, celebrity sketches and musical parodies that fans have grown to love on "Late Night," including #Hashtags, Thank You Notes and Slow Jam the News.

Critically praised Grammy winners The Roots serves as "The Tonight Show" house band.
From Universal Television and Broadway Video, "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon" is executive produced by Lorne Michaels and produced by Josh Lieb. Gavin Purcell produces. "The Tonight Show" tapes before a live studio audience.

Below, check out QUOTABLES FROM "THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON" February 9-13:

Last night was the long-awaited return of "The Walking Dead"- or as some people call it, "The 57th Annual Grammy Awards." (AC/DC, ELO was there.)

One of the big winners last night was Beck, whose album "Morning Phase" won Album of the Year. Even Beck was like, "I had an album out last year?" I didn't even know.

Actually, there was a little controversy after Beck won for Best Album, when Kanye West criticized THE GRAMMYS and said that Beck should've given his award to Beyoncé. You know it's bad when KIM is the one saying, (KIM) "Stop. Talking. Stop it. You're annoying everybodyyyyyyyyyy."

Of course, Pharrell Williams won THE GRAMMYS for Best Music Video and Best Pop Solo Performance for his song "Happy." When asked how he felt about the win, he was like, (CASUAL) "Content." I'm tired of saying happy.

And did you see this? AC/DC received some criticism after they used a teleprompter for their own song during the opening of the Grammys. I don't want to say they're getting old, but when they sing "Highway to Hell," they leave their right blinker on the whole time. If you are going to Hell, are on this lane or not? Why are there two lanes to Hell?

Check this out. According to a recent survey, 12 percent of Americans say that it's fine to cheat a little on your taxes. While the other 88 percent know not to talk to a guy with a clip board asking them if they cheat on their taxes. (So 12 percent of really dumb Americans cheat on their taxes.) Uh yeah, I've been stealing money for about 10 years now.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.10.15
Oh this is big. I saw that later this year, Chinese President Xi Jinping is planning to make his first official state visit to the U.S. Although I'm worried it'll be a little awkward when he visits a school and goes, "This factory is TERRIBLE!" (How many macaroni necklaces do we need?)

And listen to this. It was just revealed that back in 2011, Michael Jordan was signing a poster for Obama's 50th birthday but accidentally spelled the President's name wrong. But don't worry, the President made sure Jordan's name was spelled right when he had him audited by the IRS. I had 'em check.

We have "Fifty Shades of Grey" star Dakota Johnson on the show tonight! And I saw that in a new interview, her mom, actress Melanie Griffith, said that she does not plan on seeing the movie. But in her defense, that's what EVERYONE'S mom is saying. (MOM) "Oh that filth? Never! (ASIDE) "Meet you at the Olive Garden at 8:30. Cheesecake Factory at 7:15. Then we'll get an Uber."

And get this. I heard that an 83 year-old dominatrix from France has actually criticized "Fifty Shades of Grey" for being too soft. Then someone explained to her that she'd accidentally wandered into the new SpongeBob movie. (OLD LADY) "The fish fetish was the only good thing about it!"

I saw that this week is the tenth anniversary of Google Maps. Or as ten-year-olds call them, "maps." (They used to print these on paper?)

That's right, this week is the tenth anniversary of Google Maps. The company attributes the success of Google Maps to its ease of use, its colorful imagery, and the fact that it's the only GPS that doesn't try to kill you. (GPS VOICE) "Turn left into river. This is your final destination...ever." All right, honey, here we go.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.11.15
Oh man, it's this tell-all book by David Axlerod, one of President Obama's former strategists. He's revealing all kinds of stuff, like the fact that Obama apparently chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. You know, the qualities you look for in someone whose main job is traveling to state funerals. (BIDEN) "Sorry about your bro, dude! What's up?"

Yeah, Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. Wait, those are the same reasons he picked his dog, Bo. (Bo, not so fast, get back...)

Axelrod also said in his new book that Obama lied to Americans to get votes in 2008 when he said he opposed gay marriage. Of course, Republicans have already turned it into a scandal: BenGayZi. It's trending right now.

Of course, the big movie everyone's talking about is "Fifty Shades of Grey" which comes out this weekend. It's gonna be a giant movie and everyone's trying capitalize on it. There's even a travel company offering erotic vacations for swingers and nudists. Or as the people no one EVER wants to see naked put it, "We'll be there!" (How much, man? See you on the courts, dude!)

I don't know about this. I heard about a new app that lets people book a hotel room for just a few of hours, the time between check-out and check in, called Hotels By Day. Which beats its old name: For Hookers, By Hookers. It's too on the nose.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.12.15
Oh man, Jeb Bush is facing a potential SCANDAL after he released thousands of e-mails from his time as governor that contained information like addresses, phone numbers, and social security numbers. Though I think the real question is, who the hell signs an e-mail with their address, phone number and Social Security number? (DUMB) "I'll add my ATM pin code and mother's maiden name just in case."

Did you see this? During an interview with Ryan Seacrest yesterday, Kanye West revealed that voices in his head told him to go up on stage and interrupt Beck during the Grammys. And what's more revealing, even the voices in Kanye's head are auto-tuned. "BECK DIDN'T DESERVE THAT AWARD, BEYONCE DESERVES EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING"

A little controversy here. This week, a little league team in Chicago was stripped of its WORLD SERIES title after it was revealed they faked a map to get better players from different neighborhoods. Then Nicholas Cage said, (CAGE) "Wait, that means the real map is still out there!" (ESCORTING AWAY) "We gotta find the baseball diamond!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.13.15
possible 2016 Presidential campaign by giving a speech in Iowa yesterday. And you know how he's always joking around, well, yesterday, Biden said that he was elected to the Senate "129 years ago." Then he said, "But I think we can all agree, that it's felt MUCH longer." He wasn't joking there.

Some big sports news. This week, Tiger Woods announced that he is quitting golf until his game improves. Making him the first man in history to quit his job and play less golf. Very interesting move. Very rare.

Of course, we continue to have some pretty rough weather here on the East Coast. And this week, the Mayor of Boston said the city may have to consider dumping snow in the harbor. Then he said, (BOSTON) "And if that doesn't work, we'll dump it on your mother."

I saw that this week was the Great American Water Taste Test, which awarded Easthampton, Massachusetts the title of best-tasting water in the country. Judges say the CONTEST was pretty close this year - BECAUSE IT'S WATER. Pretty much tastes the same everywhere. You shouldn't have that contest.

Yeah, Massachusetts has the best-tasting water in America. And once again, the SECOND-best tasting water in America went to Coors Light.

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