Quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON Week of 11/2

Below, check out quotables from NBC's THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON for the week of November 2 - November 6:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.2.15

I hope everyone had a good Halloween! It seemed like there were lots of good costumes this year. I saw that The Rock went as Popeye; Heidi Klum went as Jessica Rabbit; and this year's Mets went as LAST year's Mets.

Yeah, we're all bummed here in New York, but I do wanna say congrats to the Kansas City Royals, who beat the Mets to win their first WORLD SERIES in 30 years last night. Since THE ROYALS won, they'll get to meet President Obama. And since the Mets blew an early lead and lost, they'll get to meet Jeb Bush.

As I mentioned, this weekend was also Halloween. And I saw that Jay-Z and Beyoncé dressed as the characters from the Eddie Murphy movie "Coming to America." In fact their "Coming To America" costumes were so good, Donald Trump had them both deported.

A bit of a SCANDAL here. It's being reported that the Jets had their locker room swept for listening devices before their recent game against the New England Patriots. The Jets became suspicious when they noticed an unmarked van parked in the shower. "It doesn't seem like it should be in here..."

Speaking of basketball. On last week's episode of "Inside the NBA," Shaquille O'Neal claimed that someone recently offered him 50 million dollars to go to the moon. Then Shaq reached up and went, "You mean this little ball of cheese?" (Boom. I touched it. Where's my money?)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.3.15

Man, you picked a great time to come to New York. Right now, we're in the middle of a November heat wave, with temperatures in the 70s! Even people worried about climate change were like, (CONCEDING) "This is pretty nice actually."

You guys, we have Bill O'Reilly here tonight! Of course, he's the author of the new book "Killing Reagan," as well as "Killing Lincoln," "Killing Kennedy," and "Killing Jesus." So Bill's gonna sit in that chair, and I'm gonna sit wayyy over there.

Let's get to some news here. A new national poll found that Ben Carson is now ahead of Donald Trump by six points in the Republican race. Finally proving that you can LITERALLY sleep your way to the top.

And I saw that after being courted by several candidates, conservative billionaire Paul Singer has decided to endorse Marco Rubio. Now instead of having a button that says, "Donate," Rubio's website just says, "We Good."

Listen to this. I read that a guy who used the cheating website Ashley Madison is suing the site for claiming that it had millions of female users, when in fact, it only had 12 thousand. Yeah, the man is suing for five million dollars - or as his wife put it, "2.5 million dollars." (Hope you win, idiot!)

And I don't know what to make of this, but I just saw that Guinness has announced that it's going to stop using fish bladders in its brewing process starting next year. In response, Guinness drinkers issued a statement saying, ("What???") Fish bladders?!

Yeah, Guinness announced that it is going to stop using fish bladders in its brewing process starting next year which will make the beer vegan friendly. So if you thought vegans were annoying before - wait until they start DRINKING. (DRUNK) "Ya know how much fish bladder is in most beers?"

This is interesting. A new survey found that three out of four children under the age of four have their own smartphone. You can tell it's bad; last night I told my daughter it was time for bed and she tried to swipe left on me.

Hey, I saw that Warner Brothers just released the final trailer for its upcoming adventure movie "In the Heart of the Sea," which is based on THE STORY BEHIND "Moby Dick." And as soon as that movie comes out, I'll be able to turn in a book report that was due 30 years ago. (I'm on my 600th extension!)

Yeah, a big-budget movie about Moby Dick - making it the most expensive Dick Pic since Anthony Weiner.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.4.15

Of course, it's still the election. And I saw that USA Today's GOP "Power Rankings" had some big shake-ups this week, with Marco Rubio in the lead and Chris Christie in the top five. Yep, Rubio is number one, while Christie is numbers two through five.

And did you see this? In one of his books, Ben Carson actually admitted to falling asleep several times while driving his car. He started taking Ubers to be safe, but his drivers kept falling asleep while listening to him talk.

And a lot of PEOPLE ARE TALKING about this. Twitter just changed its star-shaped "favorite" button to a heart-shaped "like" button, and said it's because the heart is a more universal symbol of liking something. You know, like how people want to see movies that get four hearts, or stay in five-heart hotels.

Yeah, Twitter changed its favorite icon from a star to a heart, but I heard that on Google Chrome there's a way you can change the icon to any emoji you choose. And if you're STILL not satisfied with the Twitter icon, GO OUTSIDE. (Just go outside.)

Meanwhile, Google announced that it will bring its super-fast internet connection, Google Fiber to cities in Florida. Which makes sense, cuz the first thing people in Florida will do when they get online is Google fiber. "Look at all these Metamucil pics!" (Ooh la la!)

And I saw that yesterday, Amazon opened its first-ever physical bookstore in Seattle. It's just like a normal bookstore - except when you look at a book, strangers yell, "I DIDN'T LIKE IT!" ("TWO STARS!...Sorry, TWO HEARTS!")

Hey, tonight was the Country Music Association Awards, and I saw that it included performances by Kenny Chesney, Keith Urban, and Fall Out Boy. It taped earlier, so we don't know who won new artist, or who won best female vocalist, or why the hell Fall Out Boy was there. (Fall Out Boy??)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.5.15

I saw that this week marks one year until the 2016 election. Or as Hillary calls that, "Five years until my re-election."

Yep, this week marks one year until the 2016 election. Even Christmas decorations at CVS were like, "Wait - aren't we talking about this a little too early?!" Come on. It's not even a year out.

And as I'm sure you've heard, Donald Trump is in the building getting ready to host "Saturday Night Live." There's actually a lot of anti-Trump protestors outside the building - or as Trump put it, (TRUMP) "Those people have been lining up for days to see me, they love me." They go around the block.

Speaking of Trump. In an interview yesterday, he and CNN anchor Chris Cuomo got in a heated argument after Trump repeatedly insulted reporter Sara Murray. Yeah, CNN was like, "Guys, keep it down! You'll wake the viewers!"

Check this out. The script for the new Harry Potter movie "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" revealed that in America, a "muggle" is called a "no-maj," short for "no magic." Which is weird, because I thought the American word for kids who don't do magic was "popular." (NERD) "I'm just gonna stand in the corner at prom and disappear!"

And did you see this? Singer Ray J will host a new dating show on We tv called "Driven to Love," where he drives people around in the back of his SUV to look for potential dates on the street. Of course, they almost went with that other name: "prostitution."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.6.15

Hey, the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree just arrived today! That's right, people who work here in the building are already starting to say their traditional holiday greeting: "MOVE!" We all hate that tree, secretly.

Carson's actually in a bit of trouble. Today, he admitted that he lied about a part in his memoir where he said he was admitted to West Point on a full scholarship. People were like, "Are you lying about any other parts of your life?" and Carson was like, (COCKNEY) "Oh there might be a couple fibs lurkin' about! I mean, (SLEEPY CARSON) Uhhh...no. I'm not a chimney sweep from England..."

And a new report from CNN suggests that Ben Carson made up the stories of his violent temper from his youth, including one where he said he almost stabbed a kid. That's how weird this presidential election is: A candidate is now in trouble because he DIDN'T stab someone as a kid.

Meanwhile, Ben Carson's campaign launched a 60-second ad that features a rap about Ben Carson, aimed at young black voters. So you know what that means - it'll do great with young white voters.

And maybe it's his falling poll numbers, but Donald Trump is actually starting to run some radio ads where he accuses politicians of being "all talk and no action." Which is ironic - since radio ads are LITERALLY all talk and no action. That's what radio is.

This isn't good. Earlier this week, the national debt grew by nearly 340 billion dollars, which is the biggest surge in a single day for the U.S. treasury. Apparently Obama was still signed into Amazon when he let Biden play with his iPad. That's what happens. You can't do that.

And get this. A company just came out with a waffle maker that makes waffles with the "Star Wars" Death Star on them. But you gotta be careful not to leave your waffle in there too long, or it will come out on the Dark Side. (For the kids!)

To post a comment, you must register and login.