Quotables from NBC's TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON Week of 10/5

Below, check out quotables from NBC's THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON for the week of October 5 - October 9:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.5.15

Some more trouble for Hillary Clinton. Last week, the Firefighters' union announced that it was no longer supporting Hillary for president. You know your campaign's in trouble when firefighters are like, "Even WE can't put out that many fires."

In an interview with Al Sharpton this weekend, Hillary Clinton said Donald Trump just says whatever he needs in order to "stir up the passions of people." Then Al Sharpton was like, "You know you're talking to ME, right?! I'm Al Sharpton - man famous for stirring up passions. I once boycotted myself."

Yeah, Hillary said that Trump says whatever he needs in order to "stir up the passions of people." But Trump disagreed and said, (TRUMP) "Not true! Now step aside while I fire my t-shirt cannon into this crowd. (POINTING T-SHIRT CANNON) Which one of you losers wants a free t-shirt?!"

And at a speech in Tennessee, Trump talked about his decision to run for president, and said quote, "I didn't want to do this, I had to do this." Then he was immediately sued by Jeb Bush for stealing his campaign slogan.

This is interesting. A new report found that Donald Trump is no longer the most liked candidate on Facebook, and Ben Carson now has the most likes with over four million. Yeah, you can tell Carson was pretty excited cuz when he found out he actually opened BOTH eyes. (SLEEPY SQUINT, SOFT) Oh...that's great."

Some news out of Washington. On Friday, Education Secretary Arne Duncan announced that he plans to step down from his position in December. And until his replacement starts, Obama's gonna have a SUBSTITUTE Education Secretary who just shows videos. "Uhh I don't know anything about English, just watch this video about Romeo and Juliet...Turn the lights out."

And I saw that the third movie in the "Thor" series is going to be called "Thor: Ragnarok." Mainly cuz calling it "Thor Three" would give everyone a speech impediment. ("I wanna thee Thor Three - DAMMIT! Theriously? I'm thuck like this!")

Listen to this. A new study shows that couples are growing increasingly distracted by their phones when they spend time with each other. In fact, experts say it's actually become the leading cause of couples staying together. (LOOKING AT PHONE, DISTRACTED) "Can my mom come live with us?" (LOOKING AT PHONE, DISTRACTED) "Oh, that's nice."

And finally this is just crazy. I read about a man in the Netherlands named Ed Houben, who has fathered 106 babies and is known as "The Babymaker." Or as NBA players call him, "The Amateur."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.6.15

Hey I want to start off by saying congrats to Barack and Michelle Obama, who just CELEBRATED their 23rd wedding anniversary. I guess that explains why this morning, Barack was seen running toward the Rose Garden with a vase and a pair of scissors. (OBAMA) "Of course I remembered!"

Of course, Halloween is coming up you guys! And Chipotle is getting in the spirit by offering three-dollar burritos that they're calling "boo-ritos." Though to be fair, isn't calling it a "three dollar burrito" scary enough? "What's in this?" (SPOOKY) "Don't ask!!!"

And get this. I saw that an online costume shop is selling a new Halloween costume called the Sexy Pizza Rat. And I know what you're thinking: Is there any other kind of pizza rat?

That's right, an online costume shop is now offering a "Sexy Pizza Rat" costume that costs 90 dollars. Then Chuck E. Cheese said, (GRUFF) "Or you can have the real thing for 50 bucks. Lemme know! Happy Birthday. I gotta use the john." (INHALES CIGARETTE)

Of course, everybody's still talking about Donald Trump. And a recent poll had voters describe Trump in one word, and a lot of them used the words, "idiot," "buffoon," "clown," and "jerk." And those are the people VOTING for Trump.

That's right, people described Trump with the words "idiot," "buffoon," "clown," and "jerk." Of course, they also used other words like, "Still," "better," "than" and "Jeb."

Ah! Shoot, I think I pulled a hammy on that last joke. I don't think I can continue. But of course, here at the Tonight Show, the monologue has to go on. So I think I'm gonna have to sub out. Can someone can tag in for me?

(JAY COMES OUT FROM THE CAMERA WELL, AND SUBS IN WITH JIMMY)

JAY LENO

No problem, Jimmy, I'll give it a shot!

JIMMY

Jay Leno, that'd be great! Thanks so much.

(JIMMY CROSSES OFF SCREEN)

JAY LENO

This election's getting nasty. Ralph Nader called Hillary Clinton a corporatist and a militarist. Isn't that unbelievable?

Ralph Nadar is still alive? Hillary Clinton - not the only Democrat running. Martin O'Malley, ex-governor of Maryland, he's running for President. He's at two percent in the polls. Two percent. He's been in the race eight months, and he's only tied with low-fat milk. That's not good.

And after this last debate, Marco Rubio being called the best communicator in the Republican party. Which is kind of like being the smartest Kardashian.

But he's not the only Hispanic running. Senor Jeb Bush, also running for president.

A lot of people think that when the Republican field clears it will come down to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump. Kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair.

But Bernie Sanders - getting a lot of traction. In fact if Bernie Sanders wins, he will be the first socialist elected president since 2008.

But you gotta give Obama credit. He got Osama Bin Laden. I mean, think about that. That was an amazing story. Osama Bin Laden lived in that house in Pakistan for six years with seven women and 23 children. I'm surprised the guy didn't shoot himself in the head.

And of course Republicans are still trying to stop Obamacare. Look, I like Obamacare, but the trouble with Obamacare is there are too many government agencies under the Obamacare umbrella. Like I got a prostate exam the other day, but it was done by a drone, and that made me uncomfortable. I wasn't comfortable.

And of course the Republicans say the economy is bad. They say it's bad.

HIGGINS/AUDIENCE

How bad is it?

JAY LENO

Oh man, the economy is so bad.

It's so bad, in New York over on Park Avenue, I saw a woman with real breasts and a fake Gucci bag. It's bad.

It's so bad, in California, parents in Beverly Hills are being forced to raise their own children.

It's so bad, in Seatte, I saw a guy panhandling in front of Starbucks just to pay for his Starbucks.

I saw a priest, a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar and burn it down for the insurance money.

It's so bad, even the Kardashians are losing their ass.

JIMMY

Wait wait, Jay, I've got one!

JAY LENO

You got one, Jimmy? Then tag back in!

(JIMMY TAGS BACK IN)

JIMMY

The economy is so bad, 50 Cent just changed his name to Nickelback.

It's so bad, Hillary Clinton wants people to look through her deleted emails to see if there's any from that Nigerian prince.

It's so bad, I saw Wolfgang Puck eating Chef Boyardee.

My thanks to Jay Leno! Jay you wanna hang around?

JAY LENO

Oh no, I'm lead guest on Colbert. I gotta get over there.

JIMMY

We've got a great

show everybody. Give it up for The Roots!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.7.15

Hillary Clinton's 68th birthday is coming up this month, and to celebrate, Hillary is planning to hold a big fundraiser here in New York City. You gotta give it to Hillary - she's the only grandmother who hears about a birthday and expects the checks to come to HER.

And this is interesting. I read that Hillary's staff is starting to worry that her campaign still doesn't have an official theme. Then Hillary said, "Yes it does - revenge."

And get this. A new study of the candidates' Facebook fans found that Donald Trump's fans have the worst grammar. Which isn't surprising, since Trump's whole campaign has been one, big run-on sentence. (TRUMP) "We need to build a wall and fix the economy and get back at China and Rosie O'Donnell and I'm very rich and here's a red hat and..."

I saw that Vladimir Putin CELEBRATED his 63rd birthday today. He had a nice party, but it got awkward when two of his friends got him the same country. (PUTIN) "Is okay - I just exchange for other country. No big deal. I was hoping for different country..."

I also saw that Facebook has a new feature called "Doodle," which allows users to write nice messages on each other's pictures. Then users were like, "Aw, it's cute you think that's how we're gonna use it. "...I'm gonna draw a penis next to your face."

And this kinda crazy. I heard that scientists are getting close to creating the first-ever male birth control pill. They're not sure how the pill is gonna work, but if you're a guy and you get pregnant, it definitely DIDN'T work.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.8.15

You guys, we have Michael Fassbender on the show tonight! Yep, he's playing Steve Jobs in a new biopic. And we have Cee Lo Green on the show! Who, believe it or not, is ALSO playing Steve Jobs in ANOTHER biopic. (They come out with Steve Jobs biopics faster than new iPhones!)

Let's get to some news here. The race for president is really starting to get competitive. And Donald Trump recently said that he's actually getting ready to air his first campaign ads. Even the GEICO lizard was like, (BRITISH) "I think we already see enough of you on TV, mate!"

And Hillary Clinton continues to distance herself from the Obama administration. In fact, Hillary just came out against President Obama's Trans-Pacific Partnership trade agreement, also known as the TPP. Which is weird, cuz when Obama asked Hillary if she was down with TPP, she said, "Yeah, you know me!" (But I said a flipped. Flopped. Flippy flippy to the flip flip flop, I don't stop.)

Now this comes from the National Enquirer, so take it with a grain of salt. But they're saying that republican candidate Ben Carson made a number of serious mistakes as a neuro surgeon, and even left a sponge in one patient's brain. When asked how it affected his life, that patient was like (TRUMP), "It's fine. I'm still running for president and I don't care..."

And I thought this was a little surprising. A new report found that deportations in the U.S. are the lowest they've been since 2006. When they heard, immigration officials were like, "Get outta here!" ("No -- not really, you can stay.)

And I heard that Chanel has built an entire fake airport for its fashion show at Paris Fashion Week. Which is cool, unless you're the family that is running late and just got dropped off at a fake airport. "Why is everyone at this airport dressed like Lady GaGa? What's going on?!"

And listen to this. Two thieves in Portland, Oregon stole a truck from a natural foods company this week and got away with all of the tofu that was being transported inside. Police describe the thieves as armed and extremely disappointed. "Seriously? Tofu?"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.9.15

Welcome to the Tonight Show! I'm your host Jimmy Fallon. Here's what PEOPLE ARE TALKING about.

It's this mess with the Speaker of the House. Yesterday, Kevin McCarthy, who was considered the favorite to become the new Speaker of the House, dropped out of the race because he didn't feel like he had enough support to win. Then like 12 presidential candidates said, "That never stopped us!"

And the other big political story is that next week, Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Martin O'Malley, Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb will have their first debate in Las Vegas. Yeah, a calculating woman, a weird old guy, and three dudes you'll never see again. So basically every poker table in Vegas.

And Bernie Sanders actually said he doesn't want to do any practice debates before the first real Democratic debate next week. His aides told him that without preparation, he won't be able to offer quick rebuttals, to which Sanders said, "Oh yeah? Well...so is your mom!"

And this isn't good. I read that officials from the U.S. Treasury are investigating why ISIS seems to be using so many trucks and SUVs that are made by Toyota. ISIS said they would use BMWs, but they didn't want people to think they were A-holes.

Hey, if you use Netflix, you might want to listen to this. Netflix just announced that it is going to raise the price of its "Standard Plan." Fortunately, it doesn't bother most Netflix users cuz they're on the "ROOMMATE Plan." ("Sorry, Dale.")

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