Quotables from NBC's LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON, Week of 5/6

Below, check out quotables from NBC's "LATE NIGHT WITH Jimmy Fallon" for the week of MAY 6 - MAY 10:

Jimmy Fallon Monologue 5.6.13
Yesterday, Honey Boo Boo's parents, Mama June and Sugar Bear, they got married after nine years together. Yeah, Mama June said she felt like a princess - well, they got married at a White Castle.

You could tell it was a Honey Boo Boo family wedding cuz the flower girl was Little Debbie.

This was big. On Saturday, the racehorse Orb won the Kentucky Derby. It was pretty exciting. His jockey went around giving high-fives - which explains why everyone's got bruises on their knees.

Did you guys see this? Over the weekend, the Twitter account for the E! network was hacked. Apparently the hackers started tweeting fake stories about real celebrities. As opposed to what E! normally does, which is tweet real stories about fake celebrities.

Here's some political news. Yesterday President Obama spoke at Ohio State's graduation, and told students that it's their responsibility to make the world a better place. Which got awkward when they were like, "Wait, isn't that literally your responsibility?" (You're the president of the United States!)

This is pretty crazy. Some experts are saying that the 2016 Democratic Presidential primary could come down to Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden. Biden is calling her a worthy opponent, while Hillary is calling him "practice."

I just saw that the National Park Service is launching a new campaign to attract younger visitors. Yeah, it has a very creative slogan: "National Parks: Nobody Knows You're Drinking In Here."

And finally, a new study found that Florida is not the best state for older Americans to retire in. Or as alligators put it, "Shut up, man."

Jimmy Fallon Monologue 5.7.13
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Today, President Obama and Joe Biden met with South Korean President Park Geun-hye, who is known as South Korea's "Iron Lady." Or as Biden put it,"Can you introduce me to Iron Man?" ("I'd love it.")

Yeah, Biden gave advice on how to avoid war with North Korea. Or, in other words, we're going to war with North Korea.

This is kinda cool. Mayor Bloomberg announced that large sections of New York City will get free, public Wi-Fi by the end of the year. Bloomberg says he's excited to bring a new service to New Yorkers. While New Yorkers say they're excited to complain about it the moment it goes down.

Speaking of "Dancing With the Stars," last night's episode had the worst ratings in the history of the show. You can tell "Dancing with the Stars" is struggling, cuz it was just named a contestant on "Dancing with the Stars."

And finally, it was just announced that Tom Cruise will star in a fifth Mission Impossible movie. Spoiler alert: It's possible.

Jimmy Fallon Monologue 5.8.13
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Bill Clinton was being interviewed recently and he said that despite all the speculation, Hillary hasn't said anything to him about running for president in 2016. Though in fairness, she hasn't said anything to him since 1998.

This is big news. Yesterday, Delaware became the most recent state to legalize same-sex marriage. That marks the 11th state to make same-sex marriage legal, and the first thing I know about Delaware.

Check this out. Our good friend, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie just revealed that he had lap-band stomach surgery earlier this year to lose weight. Yeah, lap-band surgery on Chris Christie. Even Bonnaroo was like, "Damn, that's a lot of bands!"

Hey, this Sunday is Mother's Day you guys! That's right, you've got four days to pick out the perfect gift, before just buying flowers on the way to brunch.

Actually, a new survey found that the average American will spend 168 dollars on Mother's Day this year. So to any woman who's been through labor for a day and a half, remember it pays exactly 168 dollars.

And finally, it was just announced that a movie version of "Dungeons & Dragons" is in the works. Yeah, it's expected to set all time records for people saying, "Ticket for one, please."

Jimmy Fallon Monologue 5.9.13
The White House just announced that Joe Biden will travel to both Brazil and Colombia later this month to discuss the drug war and improve economic ties with Latin America. Just kidding. He's going to look for Dora the Explorer.

Some more political news. Senator John McCain will introduce a bill that lets cable customers pick which channels they want to pay for. For instance, HBO would cost you ten dollars, AMC would cost you five dollars, and NBC would pay you 200 dollars. (Hi Bob.)

Check this out. The San Francisco 49ers just signed a deal to name their new stadium after the Levi's jeans company. Yeah, it'll be great until it rains and the stadium shrinks a size.
Hey, this week marks the tenth anniversary of the professional networking site, LinkedIn. Which is weird, because on LinkedIn it says it has 15 years of experience.

Did you see this? Yesterday, Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard had a sandwich thrown at her while she was visiting a school. Or as Chris Christie put it, "I better get down there and talk to those kids." (He's gonna be so mad.)

This is interesting. A new study found that women think men holding a guitar are more attractive, even if they're not playing it. In a related story, guys with an accordion will die alone.

Here's a weird story. This summer, Chicago's O'Hare Airport will bring in 25 goats to eat plants around the runways. That's their plan. Yeah, even the goats were like, "Ugh - airport food." (Is there an Auntie Anne's out here?)

I read about a new iPhone app that can actually figure out how happy users are. Although if you need to download an app to tell you if you're happy, you're not.

And finally, DiGiorno is recalling two kinds of frozen pizzas because they might contain small pieces of plastic. Which explains that new ad, "It's not delivery - but you should probably get delivery."

Jimmy Fallon Monologue 5.10.13
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. President Obama has been going around the country to rally support for his economic plan, and yesterday he said that a lot of sectors of our economy are doing better. Yeah, when pressed for examples, Obama said, "Uh - the Iron Man sequel sector?"

Oh man. Have you guys heard about this? Whole Foods is apologizing for switching the labels on some salads, which caused vegans to accidentally eat chicken. So if you're a vegan who mistakenly ate one of the salads, that's why it was so delicious.

This is kind of weird. In a new interview, Miley Cyrus revealed that she had to move out of her apartment in London because it was haunted. When her landlord heard that, he was like, "That's ridiculous. I've never seen a ghost, and I've been living here for 300 years."

Some TV news. I heard that the BBC is making a British version of "Everybody Loves Raymond." Yep, it's called "Nobody Loves Toothpaste." (I could be wrong. I saw it on Wikipedia.)

This isn't good. A new poll found that 54 percent of Americans are tired of Justin Bieber. Which gets even worse, when you hear they only polled 54 percent of Americans.

I saw that Manti Te'o's fake girlfriend actually came in at #69 on Maxim's "Hot 100" list. So congratulations to numbers 70 through 100 on being almost as hot as nothing.

And finally, a couple that met on "The Biggest Loser" announced that they are getting a divorce after just one year of marriage. But on the bright side, they're each about to drop 300 pounds!

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