Quotables from NBC's LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON Week of 3/25

Below, check out quotables from NBC's "LATE NIGHT WITH Jimmy Fallon" for the week of MARCH 25 - MARCH 28

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. There was a big upset this weekend in the NCAA tournament, when San Diego State was upset by 15 seed Florida Gulf Coast University. Yeah, Florida Gulf Coast University. Even the University of Phoenix Online was like, "Who??"

Tilda Swinton is sleeping down the street right now in the Museum of Modern Art. Art experts call it a powerful deconstruction of the voyeuristic Nature of celebrity culture. While tourists were like, "Hey, Conan, you alright in there?!"

Hey guys, I read about a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. Which explains why my grandma was like, "Whoa - 'Dark Side of the Moon' syncs up perfectly with this episode of 'Jeopardy!' Watch."

That's right, older Americans are using marijuana in their retirement. Which makes sense cuz old people are always talking about their joints.

I guess that explains why White Castle is now offering an early bird special.

And finally, Harvard is being stripped of four national quiz championships after a team member saw the questions ahead of time. When asked if he was guilty, the kid said, "Uh...(LOOK AT HAND) "No."

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Oh man, everybody's still talking about March Madness, and it turns out that President Obama has correctly predicted 11 of the Sweet 16 teams. When Joe Biden was asked about his Sweet 16, he said, "It was great - I had a petting zoo and a clown.

Some political news. This week, members of the House and Senate are away from Washington for spring break. Yeah, you can tell because people on the beach are like, "Woo! Don't take it off!"

I'm the guy known for the small water bottle, but on Spring Break, I'm the guy with the BIG water bottle. Wink. Hashtag Still Talking About Water

Check this out. This week, the Supreme Court is hearing arguments on same-sex marriage. And Chief Justice John Roberts has invited his gay cousin to attend the hearings. Roberts said it's his way of showing compassion for the cause, while his cousin said, "Uh, I'm not gay."

This is nice. A father of five has come forward to claim Saturday's winning Powerball ticket worth 338 million dollars. Or as he told his five kids, "Great news! Three of you are going to college!" (College is expensive these days)

Listen to this. In a new interview, Hugh Hefner revealed that he has slept with over a thousand women. When asked if he could name names, he was like, "Uh...I think my first name is Hugh?"

Yeah, he slept with over a thousand women. And only half of those women were named Amber.

Did you see this? The Backstreet Boys have released their own Harlem Shake video. Of course, most people missed it cuz they were busy watching Right Said Fred's planking video. (I'm too sexy for this meme.)

And finally, I want to say congrats to Tiger Woods, who just regained his status as the #1 golfer in the world. He was also hoping to reach #1 at something else - but then that Hugh Hefner interview came out.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. It was just announced that George W. Bush's Presidential Library will be ready to open on May 1. The library contains items from the former president's life, including pictures and memorabilia. Or as Bush put it, And best of all, 'No Books.'"

This is cool. President Obama has named the first woman to be the director of the Secret Service. Experts are calling the move an important part of history - sorry, I mean HER-story.

You can tell she's good because one official was like, "I've never seen a female Secret Service agent before," and she was like, "Exactly."

Some more news out of Washington. During a speech yesterday, former CIA director David Petraeus apologized for having an affair with his biographer. He said he hopes this begins a new chapter in his life. Although it got Awkward when he was like, "Any of you ladies wanna write it?"

This is interesting. A new survey found that the average American stays at their job for about four-and-a-half years. That is, unless they're a late night host on NBC.

Hey, this isn't good. Singer Dionne Warwick has filed for bankruptcy, and revealed that she owes ten million dollars in back taxes. When asked how she plans to pay it off, she was like, "That's what friends are for?"

Yeah, Dionne Warwick is ten million dollars in debt. She's angry with her accountants for the financial mess and even angrier at her psychics for not giving her a heads up.

Here's a crazy story. There were no injuries this week when an elderly woman in California accidentally drove her car through three stores. Or as they're now known, one giant store.

Yeah, an elderly woman drove her car through three stores. The woman was like, "Sorry I ruined your stores, guys." While the store owners said, "Sorry we called you elderly, Lindsay."

Some business news. In an effort to compete with Amazon, Walmart is letting customers buy a product online then pick it up in the store. The company says it's all the convenience of shopping online without any of the convenience of shopping online.

Did you see this? Last night, Mr. T scored a goal from center ice during intermission at the Chicago Blackhawks game. Marking the first time forty-thousand people all said at the same time, "Well, that was weird."

And finally, today marks the 15th anniversary of Viagra. Yep, the company celebrated by throwing a party that shouldn't last more than four hours.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Check this out. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano - the person in charge of our national security - she recently said she doesn't email, text or tweet. So remember: If you see something, say something...cuz there's literally no other way she'll get the message.

So if there's a pressing national emergency, don't worry, she'll be aware of it in 3-5 business days.

This is nice. The White House announced that people dressed up like Scooby Doo, Sponge Bob and Dora the Explorer will be at Monday's Easter Egg Roll. Or as Biden put it, "What do you mean, 'people dressed up like'?"

This isn't good. North Korea is warning the U.S. that war with South Korea may break out at any minute. Or as Obama put it, "Can't believe I'm doing this...get me Dennis Rodman."

Speaking of President Obama. Yesterday, he told reporters that his NCAA tournament bracket is busted. Yeah, Obama said they were the worst picks he's ever made - then he looked at his economic advisers and said, "Ehh, maybe not."

Did you hear about this? A woman in England is making news after she gave birth to a 15-pound baby boy. Yeah, doctors say the mother is doing fine and the father is a bowling ball.

You can tell the baby's big, because the doctor was like, "I think it's twins! Wait. Nope, that's just the butt!"

Get this. On Tuesday, employees at a hotel in California discovered a sea lion sitting by its pool. Which got even weirder when it said, "Uh, that daiquiri ain't gonna bring itself."

Listen to this. In an effort to boost ticket sales, Fenway Park is offering free hot dogs this season. Which sounds nice until you realize it just means The Players will be wearing tighter uniforms.

Here's a crazy story. A man in Pennsylvania was arrested for hunting deer in the parking lot of a Walmart. Or as Jeff Foxworthy put it, "Eh, too easy."

And finally, there are reports that the FAA will soon allow electronic gadgets to stay on while a plane is taking off and landing. Or as passengers put it, "Great!...I definitely wasn't already doing that."

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