Quotables from NBC's LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON Week of 12/17

Below, check out quotables from NBC's LATE NIGHT WITH Jimmy Fallon DECEMBER 17 - DECEMBER 21:

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, I want to say congratulations to "American Idol" winner Kelly Clarkson, who got engaged over the weekend! Yeah, it'll be weird at the wedding when the priest is like, "If anyone here objects to this union...text the word 'no' to my cellphone right now."

Yeah, Kelly Clarkson got engaged. So I guess now she'll be Mrs. Independent.

Listen to this. On Wednesday, Time magazine will unveil its person of the year. Yeah, I can't wait to see who it is - or should I say, "Honey Who Who" it is.

Here's some political news. The White House announced that it has no plans to prosecute marijuana users in states where the drug is now legal, because they have quote "bigger fish to fry." When they heard that, stoners were like "Wait. Phish is in town??"

Some more news out of Washington. It's rumored that John Boehner and President Obama are considering a partial deal to avoid the fiscal cliff at the end of the year. Yeah, it's rumored that a partial deal is being considered - or to put that in layman's terms: oh, we're gonna go off this cliff.

Check this out. ABC is working on a new show inspired by Justin Bieber's life before he got famous. It makes sense - I mean, there's just so much we don't know about that week.

Some international news. Today North Koreans celebrated the one-year anniversary of Kim Jong-Un taking power with a big rally. Kim Jong-Un was like, "You shouldn't have!" while North Koreans were like, "You made us..."

You guys, Christmas is right around the corner, which means this Saturday is expected to be the second busiest shopping day of the year. Or as mall bathrooms put it, "Pray for us."

And finally, a new study found that watching porn can actually hurt your short-term memory. In response, men were like, "Wait, what was the question??"

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! I'm your host Jimmy Fallon, though you may know me by my other name, "Gossip Girl."

Did you guys see last night's series finale of "Gossip Girl?" The big surprise when it was revealed that the Gossip Girl blog was actually written by a guy. Which explains why that last post was signed, "XOXO - I pee standing up."

Here's some political news. Yesterday, President Obama and John Boehner talked about the fiscal cliff for 45 minutes, but the White House will not release a transcript of their conversation. However, they did offer to have Joe Biden reenact it with puppets.

Wait, we're facing one of the biggest threats to our economy and they only met for 45 minutes? That's not even the opening credits of "The Hobbit!"

Some sports news. Last night, Mark Sanchez - he threw four interceptions and had a fumble in the Jets' loss to the Titans. You could tell it would be an off night for Sanchez, cuz during the coin toss he yelled "Scissors...I mean, rock...I mean, you pick it. I don't know."

Check this out. Last week, a group of chefs baked the world's largest pizza, which is gluten-free and contains nine thousand pounds of cheese. Or as Americans put it, "You had me at 'world's largest pizza' - you lost me at 'gluten-free' - then you won me back with "nine thousand pounds of cheese.'"

Some entertainment news. There's talk that Jackie Chan may join the cast of "The Expendables 3," along with Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Chan - which explains the movie's next title: "The Can't-Understandables."

Listen to this, you guys. A 16-year-old kid in Australia just got busted for posing as a doctor at a hospital. Yeah, they knew something was up after that one diagnosis: "Ewww gross!"

And finally, a recent study found that people who like red wine are more outgoing than people who like white wine. While people who don't care what kind of wine they drink are more likely to host the fourth hour of the Today Show.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what's going on. There are new reports that President Obama is considering the CEO of American Express to be the next Treasury Secretary. But it will be annoying when Obama presents his choice to the Senate and they're like, "Sorry, we actually don't take American Express."

Some big sports news. Jets coach Rex Ryan announced that third-string quarterback Greg McElroy will replace Mark Sanchez on Sunday. You know, cuz nobody else answered the team's Craigslist ad.

I heard that a major winter storm is threatening to cancel flights in the Midwest over the next 72 hours, as millions of people get ready to spend time with their families. Of course, Americans have a lot of questions about the storm - such as, "Why can't my family live in the Midwest?"

Get this. Employees at NASA have released their own parody of the viral video "Gangnam Style." Or as it's also known, "One small step for man, four giant months too late."

Check this out. A new study found that people with no religious affiliation are the world's third-largest religious group. When told about the news they were like, "I don't believe it."

This is nice. AOL just announced that it will give every employee a one-thousand-dollar Christmas bonus. And that's on top of giving them something even MORE valuable - a Gmail address.

And finally, this week, a man in San Francisco got stuck inside a chimney for more than an hour. I don't know what's more embarrassing - having to be rescued by firemen or realizing you're fatter than Santa.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what's going on. After three years and six seasons, the final episode of "Jersey Shore" aired tonight. Or as the Mayans put it, "So we were off by one day."

Listen to this. A report just found that some new TV's can actually spy on their owners, because they come with built-in cameras and microphones. Yeah, I got kinda nervous when I heard that, but then my TV said, "Chill out, man."

I read that next year, the former head of Microsoft Windows will teach a class at Harvard Business School. It's a little annoying though - whenever a student asks a question, he just puts them through to a guy in India.

This is bad. After two months of dating, Jets quarterback Tim Tebow and his girlfriend have broken up. Yeah, when he said he got dumped, the Jets were like, "Well, while we're on the subject..."

And finally, today UPS delivered 300 packages a second on the busiest day of the year. Yeah, handling 300 packages a second. Or as the TSA calls that, "Speed dating."

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey you guys, it's late Friday night -- which means the world did not end after all! So the good news is, we're still here. The bad news, I got A LOT of Christmas shopping to do.

Here's some political news. For his second inauguration, President Obama will only hold two inaugural balls, instead of the ten he had when he was first elected. Yeah, he'll have two balls - or as his dog Bo put it, (BITTER) "That makes one of us."

Speaking of the president. Today, President Obama announced that he's giving all federal employees Christmas Eve off. And when Joe Biden heard that he was like, "But not Santa, right?"

Hey you guys, it's official. After months of speculation, Simon Cowell has confirmed that he is dating Carmen Electra. Yeah, when asked what it's like to date someone who wears such tight, low cut tops, Carmen was like, "Not bad."

Check this out. Part of Antarctica has been named after Queen Elizabeth, to commemorate her 60th year on the throne. Yeah 60 years on the throne. Or as my dad calls that, "my 'ME' time."

I heard that the classic musical "Pippin" is coming back to Broadway for the first time since 1977. When asked why they took such a long break, producers said, "Hey, 'Pippin' ain't easy."

Get this. Ireland is coming out with its own version of the show "Cheers." Yeah, a sitcom about people who sit around drinking at a bar all day - or as they call that in Ireland, "Reality TV."

And finally, I read about a man who wore 60 shirts and nine pairs of jeans on an airplane to avoid paying a baggage fee. Then his testicles said, "Oh we paid, alright. We paid."

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