Quotables from LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON , Week of 1/28

Below, check out quotables from NBC's Late Night with Jimmy Fallon January 28 - February 1:

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Last night, President Obama and Hillary Clinton appeared on "60 Minutes" for their first joint interview. Though it was a little awkward when they both showed up wearing the same suit. (They both looked good.)

In the interview, President Obama poked fun at members of the press for speculating on the 2016 election, calling them "incorrigible." Then Biden said, "They have to wear diapers?"

More political news. While speaking to fellow Republicans on Friday, Mitt Romney said that he's not going away and he will continue to help the party. To which Republicans said, "You gotta pick one or the other."

This isn't good. There are reports that Chris Brown punched R&B singer Frank Ocean yesterday. You know what that means? They'll probably be back together in nine months.

Get this. Last week, Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned to Earth alive. Yeah, it was great news for the space program and terrible news for the monkey who thought he'd finally gotten out of Iran.

Hey, today is the 200th anniversary of the classic Jane Austen novel "Pride and Prejudice." Fans of the novel celebrated the way they always do: reading about half-way through and then giving up.

Check this out. A man in Florida was arrested last week for stealing 166 manhole covers. Yeah, the guy's now facing time in jail - where he'll really wish he had one of those manhole covers.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. "60 Minutes" anchor Steve Kroft is defending Sunday's interview with President Obama and Hillary Clinton, saying that he didn't have enough time to ask hard-hitting questions. Which would be easier to believe if the name of his show wasn't the amount of time he had.

Speaking of Obama. The president just announced that same-sex couples will be included in his immigration reform bill. When they heard, same-sex couples were like, "You know we're already citizens, right?"

Today was Media Day for Super Bowl 47, where both teams shared their predictions for Sunday's game. Yeah, it was pretty crazy - one team thinks they're gonna win - but the OTHER team, thinks they're gonna win.

Speaking of the Super Bowl. 49ers wide receiver Randy Moss apparently told his teammates that they are in New Orleans on a business trip and they're not there to have fun. Then he went back to his job: catching a ball for money.

This is interesting. I read that five percent of Americans will watch this year's Super Bowl alone. Yeah, it'll be weird when they see a player get called for holding and say, "Sounds nice."

Everyone's talking about the fact that Ravens coach John Harbaugh will face his brother, 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh, in the Super Bowl. Yeah, the Harbaughs revealed that they are only texting each other before the game and not talking on the phone. But get this - we've actually managed to get a hold of some of their texts. Check 'em out:

First JIM texted, "How's your team?"

Then JOHN texted back: "Good. How's your nightlight?"

Then JIM was like: "Good. How's your bedwetting?"

Then JOHN said: "Good. How's your teddy bear you slept with til you were 12?"

And JIM was like: "Mr. Cuddles? I mean, what teddy bear? How's the 60-year-old lunch lady you had a crush on?"

Then JOHN texted: "Selma? I mean, what lunch lady? Either way, she's cooler than you."

JIM texted back: "More like cooler than YOU."

Finally, JOHN said: "That's it, I'm calling mom."

Listen to this. China is close to lifting its 13-year ban on selling video game consoles such as Xbox and PlayStation in the country. Chinese kids are super excited, but their parents were like, "No Xbox or PlayStation until you're finished building those Xboxes and PlayStations."

Get this. A nursing home in the UK is facing criticism for letting its residents hire prostitutes on a regular basis. It's pretty crazy - in fact, I hear that for 50 bucks, the hookers will actually blow on your soup.

And finally, Justin Bieber is being investigated for accidentally hitting a security guard with a dart from a Nerf gun. If convicted, Bieber could face up to six months in time out.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Super Bowl 47 between the San Francisco 49ers and the Baltimore Ravens is this weekend. And the big news today is that Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis may have used a performance enhancing substance called deer antler extract. Which explains how Lewis has been preparing for Sunday's game - staring into a set of headlights.

I read that the average Super Bowl party will actually have 17 people. Yep, 16 friends and that one guy who cornered you at work Friday afternoon and was like, "Hey man. Heard you're having a party! How many alarms is this chili? Three alarms? Seems more like two to me. Just detected that third alarm - maybe even a fourth." (What are the rules to football?)

Get this. A zoo in California announced that its monkey has randomly picked the 49ers to win the Super Bowl. And not surprisingly, its deer pickEd Ray Lewis and the Ravens.

Listen to this. Today, President Obama sat down for an interview with Telemundo to rally support for his immigration plan. He told the Telemundo network that implementing comprehensive immigration reform was his primary GOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLL!

And finally, an employee of the U.S. Postal Service is retiring after 44 years without using any of her sick days. Yeah, friends describe her as "dedicated", while co-workers describe her as, "that lady who gave me the flu.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Former NFL quarterback Dan Marino has admitted to fathering a secret child back in 2005. I don't know why people are surprised - the Dolphins never gave him good protection.

Check this out. To compete with the Super Bowl on Sunday, TNT is airing a marathon of "Law & Order." I think its cool, cuz now viewers have two places to see Ray Lewis.

Actually, this weekend is not only the Super Bowl - it's also Groundhog Day. Of course, this year's a little different - if the groundhog sees his shadow, it means six more kids for Dan Marino.

This is interesting. Now that marijuana is legal in Washington State, officials are searching for an expert on pot rules and regulations. Of course, they're doing it the way everyone does things with weed: asking if anyone knows a guy.

That's right, Washington state is looking for a weed adviser. You'd think it would be easy to fill the job, but everyone keeps missing their interviews. "Oh, 2 PM! My bad."

On Monday night, Oprah fired back at a person on Twitter who said she looked "old as hell." Then Lance Armstrong was like, "Yeah, but I never called her fat."

Speaking of Lance Armstrong. I heard that Lance has turned down a spot on the new season of "Dancing With the Stars." Even weirder, Manti Te'o's girlfriend said yes.

And finally, this week, a bipartisan group of senators unveiled a plan that would create a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Yeah, a path to citizenship. Or as immigrants call that, "a tunnel."

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. The Super Bowl is on Sunday, and both teams are already in New Orleans getting ready for the big game. And during their practice yesterday, the 49ers actually piped in fake crowd noise to simulate the loud conditions for Sunday's game. Yeah fake crowd noise - or as Manti Te'o put it, "They sounded real to me!"

This is interesting. A new survey found that 27 percent of Americans think God plays a role in who wins the Super Bowl. Then Tim Tebow was like, "No. No, he doesn't."

I read that the most expensive seat at the Super Bowl is going for 53 thousand dollars. So if you want a front row seat to the Super Bowl, turn on your television.

Listen to this. The NFL is warning fans in New Orleans not to buy knock-off Super Bowl merchandise. Yeah, this year is particularly dangerous - cuz no one wants to end up wearing a t-shirt for the "San Francisco 69ers." (Different sport altogether)

Here's some news out of Washington. Today, President Obama honored more than 20 researchers for their contributions to science and technology. Unfortunately, it was overshadowed by the football game - or as those researchers put it, "Man, high school never ends, does it?"

More political news. The director of Jewish outreach for the White House announced that he is stepping down. He says it's time to move on, while his mother says he's still a real catch and other presidents would be lucky to have him.

Hey, I want to wish a Happy Birthday to Shakira, who turns 36 this weekend! Well, she says she's 34, but her hips told me she's actually 36.

And finally, a new study found that millions of computers are vulnerable to hackers because many home wireless networks do not have passwords. I tried to read the study online - but my neighbor just set up a wireless password.

To post a comment, you must register and login.