Quotables From LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON 5/10-14

"Let's get to the news, you guys. President Obama is nominating Elena Kagan as a Supreme Court nominee, which would mean three female justices for the first time. Experts say it's an important step towards gender equality, while 77-year-old, Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader-Ginsberg said "it's about time someone ended this friggin' sausage fest."

"That's right, President Obama called Kagan at 8 p.m. last night to give her the news. I think Obama's been watching too much reality TV, cuz he was like "Elena, I'm calling to say congratulations- on making it this far in the competition. But I'm sorry to say, you'll have to pack your bags... because you're the next Justice of the Supreme Court!"

"Did you hear about this? Yesterday, a man was detained at an airport in Pakistan with electrical circuits and batteries in his shoes. Yeah, authorities weren't buying his excuse - "Hello - I am a robot, my name is Wall-E."

"Major sports story... Tiger Woods withdrew from The Players Championship yesterday and said, "I've been playing with a bad neck for quite a while, I might have a bulging disk." Then reporters started giggling and Tiger had to repeat "I said bulging DISSK. Come on guys, grow up."

"That oil spill is still really bad. BP engineers are working on a plan to shoot different types of garbage into the oil leak to clog it up. Yeah, people on the Gulf Coast are like "Do whatever you have to do to end this," while fish on the Gulf Coast are like "You're effing kidding me?"

"Congratulations to "Real Housewives of New York City" star Bethenny Frankel, who gave birth to a baby girl on Saturday! You could tell that she was one of the Housewives' kids because in the nursery she called another baby a whore and then tried to flip over the incubator."

"How are you guys feeling tonight? Man, this whole BP oil spill is still a major problem. Listen to how crazy the clean-up is getting. They're now using a special containment dome called a "top hat" that shoots methanol into the oil leak. A top hat that shoots methanol? That doesn't sound like an emergency device - that sounds like something Lady Gaga would wear to the VMA's."

"Here's a happier story. Yesterday, Jon Gosselin picked up his kids from school on their birthday. And I don't know what impressed me more-that he fit the kids into his schedule or that he fit them all onto his bicycle."

"Do you guys watch "Jersey Shore?"? Well, listen to this. Yesterday, Snooki, JWoww, and The Situation were all seen holding hands in Miami. In related news, sales of Purell just shot up 83%."

"I read about this today. The Department of Agriculture has decided to set new, stricter salmonella standards for poultry. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure the standard should just be "no salmonella allowed."

"Listen to this. A physics professor recently noticed a 99-year-old error in the Oxford English Dictionary - that mistakenly defines the word "siphon." In response, Oxford has sent the man a certificate, which correctly defines the word "nerd."

"A new report found that hotel guests ordered fewer movies in the first quarter of this year than last year. That probably has something to do with the fact that golf has gotten so "porny."

"Check this out. The June edition of Playboy magazine features a 3-D centerfold and 3-D glasses. The magazines are expected to fly off the racks. Of course, the racks are expected to fly off the magazines. So it works out nicely."

"They say the 3D Playboy is great - until your mom realizes you're not really watching Avatar every time you go to the bathroom."
"Yeah, the issue of Playboy is in 3-D, which of course makes everything seem like it's coming right at you. So now you know how the magazine feels."

"How are you guys feeling tonight? Let's get right to the news. Disney is partnering with a South Korean company to a launch Korean-language Disney channel. Yep, Mickey will still be known as Mickey; Minnie will still be known as Minnie; however, Pluto will be known as "Delicious."

"Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived on a flight from JFK with two handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers, and knives in his luggage. When they heard this, JFK screeners were like, "Sure, he had all those things...but here's what he DIDN'T have-bottled water or nail-clippers."

"Did you hear about this? Prison inmates in Louisiana are now pitching in to clean up the Gulf Coast oil spill. Yeah, prison inmates. So at this point, the solutions have been: dump chemicals into the ocean, shoot a bunch of garbage under water, and release prisoners. If none of that works, they're gonna have Al-Qaeda come take a look at it and see if they can fix it."

"That's right, prison inmates are helping out with the oil spill. Yeah, BP officials were like, "How can we ever repay you?" and the inmates were like, "Ehh, let's figure it out when we're cellmates." "You scratch my back, I'll scratch your balls." Did I say, "balls?" I meant "butt-hole."

"Hey, Sarah Palin has a new book coming out called "America By Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag." Coincidentally, "Faith" and "Flag" are the names Palin has picked out if she ever has twins. "Flag, get over there! Go say hi to tractor. Tractor, Jacket, you get over here. Jacket, go over with Tractor and Flag! Flag, get off that tractor."

"Listen to this. A man in Texas was arrested after police found marijuana in his car, hidden in a folded-up court order from another time he was caught with marijuana. Yeah, he's being charged with three counts of "Dude, SERIOUSLY?"

"Check this out. For the second year in a row, Bill Clinton is auctioning off the chance to spend an entire day with him in New York, to help pay off Hillary's presidential campaign bill. Yep, the winner will get a one-on-one with the former president. And if it's a tie - "Dear Penthouse, I can't believe this is happening to me."

"Big sports news. Last night, LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers suffered their worse home playoff loss in franchise history, falling to the Boston Celtics 120 to 88. But in fairness, it should be noted that LeBron had to leave at halftime to go look at apartments in New York."

"A new study found that climate change could make the Earth too hot for humans by the year twenty-three hundred. Is it me or does the phrase "Too hot for humans" sound like something they would say on a commercials for "Aliens Gone Wild"? "This is TOO hot for humans! Check out the tentacles on that one!"

"I was just reading about this. They now have a credit card scanner that you can actually connect to your iPhone. Yeah, so now wherever you are you can buy crap you don't need...LIKE A CREDIT CARD SCANNER FOR YOUR iPHONE."

"This is huge. The casting director for "Jersey Shore" says that Snooki, JWoww, Pauly D, Sammi, Ronnie, and The Situation will be replaced for the third season. But an even-better reality show would be those six entering the job market. "Okay, Mr. Situation - can I call you 'The?' I see under experience you wrote 'definitely.' I don't...please put your shirt on."
"Oh man, it keeps getting worse for Tiger Woods. His swing coach, Hank Haney, quit the other day by sending Tiger a text message. Yeah, it was the first time anyone's ever texted Tiger to say they WON'T swing with him anymore."

"How are you guys feeling? This is so exciting - we have the band, Phish, on the show tonight."

"Yeah, it was crazy...when I came to work this morning, I thought I saw another smoking car bomb in New York. But...turned out it was just my audience getting "ready" for tonight's show."

"By the way, everyone in the audience is getting a free bag of Funyons!!! On the way out."

"This is insane. An alligator wrestler known as the "Swampmaster" was taken to the hospital after he was bitten by an 8-foot alligator he was taunting. The guy's okay, but he's been officially downgraded from "SwampMASTER" to "Idiot."

"Listen to this. Jon Gosselin was spotted working as a celebrity bartender in Maryland this week. Bartending is tough. Jon admitted there were a few things he had no idea how to make - like money.""

"A hotel in the United Arab Emirates has installed a vending machine in its lobby that dispenses gold bars and gold coins. Yeah, you think you get frustrated when your Doritos get stuck in the machine? Try losing a bar of gold. "Come on, man! That was my whole life savings!"

"Two gospel singers in Georgia were arrested for breaking into churches and stealing musical equipment. It's not surprising they were caught, cuz they broke in like this: "Ohhh, we're breaking in! Breaking in! Breaking in! I'm gonna take that tambourine and that organ! Ohhh, we're breaking in! Breaking in! Breaking in! I'm gonna take that other tambourine and that other organ!"

"Check this out. This week, police in Nebraska arrested a teenager who used an apple and a hollowed-out cucumber to smoke marijuana. Officials are calling him a troubled youth, while everyone in my audience tonight is calling him "MacGyver."

"A woman in Britain is selling wallabies as a good alternative to lawnmowers. Yeah, they say the wallabies work just as well as regular mowers - until you get drunk and try to ride one of them into town."

"A new study found that a certain species of fish has a gene that can cause STDs in humans. So if you get an embarrassing STD, you now have the perfect excuse - just say you got it from that trout you had sex with."

"I thought this was interesting. A new survey found that 20 percent of parents have second thoughts on the name they gave their baby. But that doesn't mean we love you any less, little Adolph Jonas Brothers McGillicutty."

"And finally, the adult film company Vivid Entertainment is forming a new division that will specialize in porn films based on classic superheroes. Yep, their titles will include "The Fantastic Fourgasm," "Sex-Men" and of course, "Batman and Robin."

 

"Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" made its broadcast debut on March 2, with "Saturday Night Live" alum Jimmy Fallon as the third host of the NBC comedy-talk franchise. The show serves as a platform for comedy, music and A-list talent out of NBC’s Rockefeller Center Studio 6B.

Fallon launched his "Late Night" video blog (or "vlog") December 8, giving viewers behind-the-scenes access to his preparation for the show’s official launch at www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com. The vlog posts each weeknight at 12:30 a.m. ET.

In his first vlog, Fallon introduced his new house band – the critically acclaimed Grammy winning hip-hop band The Roots. Named one of the 20 greatest live acts in the world by Rolling Stone, The Roots will bring their eclectic hip-hop sound to the new "Late Night."

Since debuting online, Fallon also has introduced his studio announcer, shown off scale models of the new "Late Night" set, taken viewers backstage at some of his standup appearances, answered viewer questions in his weekly "Ask Jimmy" segment and introduced them to his family in upstate New York. In addition, the vlogs have featured guest appearances from current "SNL" stars Fred Armisen (testing Fallon’s interview skills while posing as a bad guest) and Will Forte (who offered to compose the show’s theme song).

Fallon first garnered attention in 1998 when he joined the cast of "Saturday Night Live" and quickly became an audience favorite for his impressions of actors and musicians as well as creating many memorable recurring characters. In 2000, he became co-anchor of the popular segment "Weekend Update" alongside Tina Fey. Fallon went on to appear in the Emmy Award-winning miniseries "Band of Brothers" and made his feature-film debut in "Almost Famous." He also had starring roles in "Taxi" and "Fever Pitch."

Lorne Michaels, Emmy Award-winning creator of "Saturday Night Live," is "Late Night’s" executive producer. Michael Shoemaker, also an Emmy Award winner, is the producer, bringing over 20 years of experience at "Saturday Night Live." Gavin Purcell, from G4’s critically praised "Attack of the Show," serves as co-producer.

"Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" is a production of Universal Media Studios in association with Broadway Video Entertainment and is taped before a live audience.

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