Highlights From SNL's Weekend Update With Colin Jost And Michael Che

Check out highlights from SNL's Weekend Update With Colin Jost And Michael Che.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR COLIN JOST - "Well, this last week was a pretty bad year for Donald Trump. Just think about what's currently under investigation for him... Trump's campaign, his transition, his inauguration, his business and his presidency. So everyone check your cards because you might have impeachment Bingo."

JOST - "In fact, Trump has reportedly told people close to him that he's worried he will get impeached. And by 'people close to him' I of course mean Sean HANNITY and Colonel Sanders. This is a lot of legal trouble for any President. I mean, I'm no lawyer, but neither is Trump's lawyer. This week Michael Cohen was sentenced to three years in prison, and he claimed he only committed his crimes out of blind loyalty to Donald Trump. But Cohen was clearly a crook before he met Donald Trump. You know how I know? He was hired by Donald Trump. The only questions on a Trump job application are 'Do you do crimes?' and 'Wanna do more?'"

"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE - "President Trump responded to Michael Cohen's sentencing by tweeting 'I never directed Michael Cohen to break the law. He was a lawyer and he is supposed to know the law.' Fair. But you know who else is supposed to know the law? The friggin' President of the United States. I mean the Pope should know the Bible. Santa should know the meaning of Christmas. The President should know the law. Dude, we are paying you money for this. Am I buggin'?"

CHE - "I mean he's the president. He's gotta know the law. Doctors know medicine. Arby's knows meat. If I told you I'm an astronaut, and you asked me about the moon and I say, 'the moon?' It's been confirmed that Trump was in THE ROOM with Michael Cohen and the publisher of the 'National Enquirer' when they discussed covering up Trump's alleged affairs. Which 'alleged affairs' is a very dignified way to say, 'raw dogging porn stars.'"

JOST - "President Trump held a contentious budget meeting at the White House this week with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer. If you missed it, just go to a Denny's and watch three grandparents fight over the check. After the meeting Schumer said that Trump, 'lives in a cocoon of his own mistruth.' Dude, just call him a liar. Democrats keep using this flowery language, and they forget they're talking to a country where most people share their opinion through pictures of fire or a dookie with eyeballs."

CHE - "Former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has taken himself out of the running to be the permanent White House Chief of Staff. Also taking Chris Christie out of the running - side camps."

JOST - "A new poll shows that the frontrunner for the 2020 Democratic nomination is Beto O'Rourke, followed by Joe Biden, then Bernie Sanders, then Oprah, then Lena Dunham, then the porno lawyer, then a chai latte in a pantsuit, then a DVD box set of 'The West Wing,' and then my personal favorite, Barack Obama in a mustache."

CHE - "The CDC is warning people to not eat raw cookie dough because it may contain germs that can cause severe diarrhea. But on the bright side, you can eat cookie dough without ever gaining weight."

JOST - "It was reported that the Boy Scouts of America are considering filing for bankruptcy in the face of declining membership. Apparently there's some problem with their business model of hoping parents will pay adult strangers to take their children deep into the woods."

JOST - "The location of Sex Island, which is a four day drug-fueled event featuring prostitutes at an exclusive resort, has been revealed to be an island off the coast of Trinidad and Tobago. This according to the plane ticket I saw in Che's hand."

JOST - "Firefighters in Texas saved more than 100 snakes, including pythons and boa constrictors, from a burning home. Said the homeowner, 'Cool, where's my wife?'"

JOST - "It was announced that the Broadway musical Avenue Q, about raunchy puppets, will close in the spring after 15 years. But if you still want to see raunchy puppets, just head to Times Square and watch Elmo kick a pigeon."

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