Check Out Quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON Week of 8/31

Below, check out quotables from NBC's THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON - August 31 - September 4:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.31.15

We've got a great show tonight. You can tell things are gonna get crazy, cuz Chris Christie showed up in one of Miley Cyrus' outfits from the VMAs last night.

That's right, last night was the VMAs over on MTV, and as you might expect from Miley there were quite a few controversial moments. In fact, towards the end of the night, Miley actually let a curtain slip to expose her breast on live TV. Miley immediately apologized - to her other breast. (LOOK DOWN AT CHEST) "Next year's your year."

And the other big story was that Taylor Swift presented Kanye West with the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award. But there was little bit of a tense moment when Kanye West took the mic and said the award should have been given to Kanye West. It's you. Don't start this.

And did you see this? At the end of his speech, Kanye West announced that he's running for president in 2020. Yeah, he announced he's running for president after smoking a bunch of weed. Then Obama was like, (OBAMA, ASIDE) "Been there!"

That's right, Kanye West announced that he is running for president. When asked how she would feel about being the First Lady, Kim Kardashian was like, (KIM) "I'm gonna be Eve?"

But let's get to some serious candidates who are actually running for president, like Donald Trump. Trump is doing pretty well in the polls right now, and he's pretty confident. Which may be why he's said he doesn't plan on running campaign ads that attack the other candidates. When asked who the ads would attack instead, he said (TRUMP) "Their mothers!" (It's their fault those losers are here to begin with!)

And get this. According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton has lost a third of her supporters in Iowa since May. Well, there's still debate as to whether she lost them or just deleted them from her database. (You never know with her.)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.1.15

It's this Hillary Clinton email scandal. The State Department just released another batch of Hillary's e-mails from when she was Secretary of State, and they're pretty revealing. Yeah, in the e-mails, Hillary asked an aide what time "The Good Wife" was on, how to charge her iPad, and how to get wi-fi. Hillary sounds less like the Secretary of State and more like my mom at a hotel. (MOM) "Hello, reception? How do I turn the air up? How do I hang up the phone here? Ten dollars for M&M's?! I was hungry!

That's right, apparently Hillary is a fan of the drama "The Good Wife." When asked what her favorite reality show was, Hillary said, "The Good Wife."

Meanwhile, Donald Trump is facing criticism for refusing to name his favorite Bible verse. In Trump's defense, it's hard to be a fan of THE BIBLE when three out of the seven DEADLY SINS helped him get to where he is today. (TRUMP) "Pride, greed and wrath have served me very well."

Trump was also asked if he preferred the New Testament or the Old Testament of THE BIBLE and he responded, quote, "Uh, probably equal." It's a tough choice, cuz the Old Testament focuses on immigrants moving to a new country and the New Testament focuses on a guy who hates money.

And this is cool. NBC just announced that President Obama will appear on an episode of "Running Wild With Bear Grylls" later this year. Yeah, I guess the episode features Obama roughing it on a golf course that hasn't been mowed for a couple of days. (OBAMA, SWING CLUB) "This is a disaster! What do I do Bear? What do I do?"

Oh and listen to this. I read about a couple in Oregon who recently had a marijuana bar at their wedding. It marked the first time ever that a bride and groom took out the waffle maker they got and used it at the reception. (STONER) "There should be a bread maker and a gelato machine somewhere here too."

This is actually a trend. More and more weddings in states with legal weed are serving marijuana. You know, cuz Best Man toasts weren't bad enough already. (STONER) "The way Doug loves Sheila, it's like...(LONG PAUSE) the way Sheila loves Doug..."(Whoa, I feel like everybody's watching me!)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.2.15

Welcome to The Tonight Show! I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon.

You guys, we have Justin Bieber on the show tonight! And we have author Salman Rushdie on the show tonight! Yep, they plan to spend the whole show Googling who the other person is.

Let's get to some news here. I saw that in an interview with CNN, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that he has no plans to endorse Donald Trump. When asked if he'd have a change of heart, Cheney was like, "Yes. Every week."

Actually, Dick Cheney said he would support Donald Trump if he does in fact win the Republican nomination, but not beforehand. Yeah, Cheney's learned from experience not to pull the trigger too early.

And this week, Lindsey Graham qualified for the next Republican debate when he managed to get at least one percent in three different polls. This is the most relieved Lindsey Graham's been since every time one of his cats comes home. (GRAHAM, PICK UP CAT) "General Whiskers! WHERE. HAVE. YOU. BEEN?? Daddy was worried SICK! Let me fix your little jaunty barbershop hat and bowtie. Don't you do that to daddy."

Meanwhile, Wisconsin governor Scott Walker said he thinks only 12 states will decide the presidential election. And if Trump wins, those 12 states will include; shock, confusion, outrage, despair, denial, anger, bargaining, and of course finally acceptance.

This is cool. President Obama is taking over the White House's official Instagram account this week to post pictures of his trip to Alaska. Put another way, President Obama is now your annoying friend on vacation. (OBAMA) "Uh...here I am in front of a museum. Uhh...and here I am at the beach! Here's a beautiful sunset. Here's me eating a peach at the beach."

While he was in Alaska, President Obama stopped at a café and bought out all of their cinnamon rolls for his staff. His staff was like, "Thanks, Obama!" and the guy behind him in line was like, (ANNOYED) "Yeah, THANKS Obama!" General Whiskers, get out of here. I'm not taking you anywhere anymore.

Actually Donald Trump went on Twitter this week and said that if he's elected, he would undo President Obama's recent decision to change Mt. McKinley's official name back to Denali. I guess instead, Trump would just call it "Trump Tower North."

Some TV news. Bill Wolff, the executive producer of "The View," just announced that he is leaving the show after only a year. It's shocking - though not quite as shocking as finding out that someone was actually in charge at "The View."

This just seems crazy to me. Despite Ashley Madison's huge hacking scandal, the website reported that hundreds of thousands of new users signed up including over 80 thousand women. Though most of them are just hoping to get a date with their husbands. ("Frank? Is this your profile? Can we get a sitter for this Friday?")

And finally, I thought this was nice. Yesterday, UFC fighter Ronda Rousey accepted a Marine's invitation to the Marine Corps Ball in December. When they heard Ronda Rousey was teaming up with the Marines, ISIS was like, (FAST) "We surrender!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.3.15

Of course, it's some big sports news. Today, a judge overturned Tom Brady's four-game suspension and will let him play in next week's opening game. The judge said, "After careful consideration of the evidence from both parties, I rule in favor of my fantasy football team." ("Papa needs them POINTS!")

That's right, a judge here in New York overturned Tom Brady's four-game suspension. Brady was pretty psyched - but I thought it was a bit much when he dumped a bucket of Gatorade on the judge's head. (DUCKING) "Not cool, Tom!"

Let's get to some political news here. I saw that during a town hall in Miami this week, Jeb Bush attacked Donald Trump in both Spanish and English. And later that night, Donald Trump responded in both English and much, much louder English. (TRUMP) "That's the way he taaaalks!"

And get this, Anthony Weiner is denying Donald Trump's suggestion that his wife, Huma, shared classified information with him while she worked for Hillary Clinton. And as we all know, nothing puts a rumor to rest like a denial from Anthony Weiner. ("I didn't send those pics! Oh those pics? Yeah I sent them.")

And did you see this? A Connecticut state senator who named one of his sons after Mount McKinley went on a rant against President Obama's decision to change the mountain's name this week. Though he's still not as upset as his other son, Lake Titicaca. Terrible name, great lake.

And check this out. I heard about a new trend where people make marijuana-infused wine. Though it gets weird when people are like, (SMELL GLASS OF WINE, STONER) "Hey, what year is this?...No I mean, like, right now - what year is this?"

That's right, people have started to make marijuana-infused wine. They say it's the first wine that pairs well with EVERY food.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.4.15

Welcome to The Tonight Show! Here's what PEOPLE ARE TALKING about.

Oh, this is big news here. Donald Trump has finally signed the Republican pledge saying that he will not run as a third party candidate if he doesn't win the Republican nomination. He signed it "Jeb Bush", but still. (Hey, at least he sort of tried.)

Of course, people are still talking about Hillary Clinton's e-mail scandal. And the former staffer who set up her private email is pleading the fifth and refuses to answer any questions. So I guess we'll never know if he's guilty or not! ("Huh...He doesn't wanna talk about it...Guess he's innocent.")

A little international news here, the President of Guatemala, Otto Perez Molina resigned yesterday after a judge ruled to jail him because of a fraud scandal. But today, ANOTHER judge overruled it, which means that next week, Molina will be starting for the Patriots! (They're catching all the breaks, this week.)

Some celebrity news. Kim Kardashian reached 45 million followers on Instagram yesterday, and CELEBRATED the only way she knows how...by establishing a public awareness campaign to raise money to build wells in Southern Sudan. (BEAT) Just kiddin'! She just posted another SELFIE for fun! She didn't do anything good, she put another SELFIE up, don't worry about it! (It's so "Kim"!)

Meanwhile, Miley Cyrus posted yet another nude Instagram photo of herself yesterday. At this point, even teenage boys are like, "You know what? A little mystery wouldn't hurt."

And this is a very controversial story. Yesterday, the Kentucky Clerk who refused to issue gay marriage licenses was sentenced to jail for contempt of court. Yeah, she was sent to jail for not doing her job. Then everyone checking Facebook at work was like, (NERVOUS) "Wait, they can do that?"

And finally, this isn't good you guys. The College Board reported that this year's SAT scores in the U.S. hit their lowest level in a decade. Which means that someday soon, even I may get to brag about my SAT scores. (PUMPS FIST) 730, Baby!

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