Check Out Quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON - Week of 5/23

Below, check out quotables from NBC's 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' for the week of May 23-27.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.23.16

Well, there's a little trouble for Donald Trump. Yeah, it's reported that Trump may have actually done business with the mob, and even has ties to an ex-convict named "Joey No Socks." When asked about his relationship with Trump, Joey No Socks said, (MOBSTER) "That's between me and Donny Three Wives." (Don't worry about it.)

That's right, one of Donald Trump's longtime business associates is an ex-convict nicknamed, "Joey No Socks." Of course, he also goes by the nickname, "Joey Easy Christmas Gift." (MOBSTER) "Hey - how'd you know I needed socks?? This is great!"

And I saw that Donald Trump is now building a sea wall around his golf course in Ireland to protect it from global warming. Well, that and Mexicans trying to sneak into Ireland. (IRISH) What're you doin' here?

And I saw that there was a brief security scare yesterday when some party balloons drifted over the white house fence. White House staff were pretty worried - especially when they saw Obama tying those balloons to a lawn chair. (OBAMA) "Take it easy! I'm outta here!"

Let's get to some sports. We had another big horse race this weekend. That's right on Saturday was the 141st running of the Preakness, and it was was won by a horse named 'Exaggerator.' Apparently he won just by promising to "make horse racing great again."

And this was pretty cool. Italian chefs recently set a new world record after making a mile-long-pizza that took five ovens and over 11 hours to bake. Which got weird when the person who ordered the pizza was like, "Ooo - I said NO pepperoni. Sorry." ("I gotta send it back!")

And finally, I saw that the dad who live-streamed the birth of his son on Facebook last week says it was an accident and that the video wasn't meant for the public - just for friends and family. Then his friends and family were like, "Yeah, we didn't want to see it either!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.24.16

Oh, this is pretty big. It's been reported that the head of security for the TSA has been officially removed from his position. That's right, he was told to turn in his badge, his uniform, his shoes, his belt, his keys, bottles over 4 ounces, his laptop, and any coins in his pockets. (I repeat! There should be NOTHING IN HIS POCKETS!)

But let's check in on the presidential election here. Bernie Sanders is still hanging in there. Actually I noticed that Bernie has been wearing a lot of hats at his rallies the past couple of days. When asked about it, Bernie said he just got tired of keeping his hair perfect 24/7. (BERNIE) "I do NOT just wake up like this!"

Speaking of his hair, Bernie said yesterday that his critics call him "Santa Claus" because of his white hair. Then Santa said, "Yeah - even I don't promise people THAT much free stuff."

And I saw that today, Donald Trump held a big rally in New Mexico. Which is weird, since he's spent his whole campaign promising to ban NEW Mexicans.

Meanwhile, Trump criticized Hillary Clinton over the weekend, claiming that her views are "just words" read off a teleprompter. But Hillary denied it, saying, "I've had these speeches memorized since I was six."

And did you see this? Helen Hunt posted a photo on Twitter to show that her Starbucks barista wrote "Jody" on her cup because she thought she was Jodie Foster. Meanwhile, Jodie Foster is still at that same Starbucks going, "Where the hell is my damn coffee?" ("What is TAKING so long?!")

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.25.16

Of course as you can tell by our audience tonight, it is Fleet Week here in New York City. That's right, Fleet Week, or as civilian men call it, "No Luck on Tinder Week."

Fleet Week is when members of the Navy do the bravest thing they've ever done: wear all white on the New York City subway. (That takes guts!)

Of course, New Yorkers who KNEW about Fleet Week are excited to honor our servicemen and women, while New Yorkers who didn't know about it are like, (WORRIED) "Wait, what's going on?!" What happened?!

And this is cool, over four thousand service members come to New York City during Fleet Week. So if you see a lot of people happy to be off a giant ship, they're either sailors or they just got off a Carnival Cruise.

Of course a lot of you sailors are excited to come ashore, leaving behind your tiny bunks on the ship. Then you see what a New York City apartment looks like and go, "Back to the ship! 2,000 a month for this?"

One of the events for Fleet Week is the 'Parade of Ships' along the Hudson River. That's one more reason we love you guys - you found a way to have a parade in New York City that doesn't screw up traffic!

Meanwhile, Chile just broke a world record when over 2,300 people took turns playing for more than 120 hours. Yeah, 120 hours and when it was over, the score was still zero-zero. (A real nail biter.)

And the SCRIPPS NATIONAL SPELLING BEE started today. And I read that there are new rules to keep the competition ending in a tie, like it has the past two years. To make it more challenging, tiebreaking words are now read by Sylvester Stallone. (STALLONE MUMBLE) Ah eh durdaba. (NORMAL) "Can I hear that in a sentence please?" (STALLONE MUMBLE)

And I thought this is interesting. A new study found that students who learn without any shoes on get better grades than students who wear shoes. Then the University of Phoenix Online said, "Just think how well you'd learn without PANTS on!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.26.16

You guys, it's finally starting to feel like summer here in New York City, with temperatures all the way up in the 80s! And I'm proud to say that New Yorkers waited almost fifteen minutes before they started complaining. (BROOKLYN) "This heat is the WORST! Can't wait for winter to get here!"

But let's get to some news here. After Hillary Clinton declined to debate Bernie Sanders this month, there's now talk that Bernie might debate Donald Trump. No word what the debate will be on, but I'm guessing "mute."

And at a campaign stop in New Mexico yesterday, Bill Clinton argued with a Bernie Sanders supporter for 30 minutes about issues from the 90s. It got pretty heated - especially when Bill tried to claim that "Step-by-Step" was better than "Family Matters." (BILL CLINTON) "Urkel was over-rated!"

And this is embarrassing. I read that Donald Trump's campaign accidentally sent a reporter an e-mail with details about how Trump was going to attack Hillary Clinton. Or as Trump put it, (TRUMP) "Wow - ANOTHER Hillary e-mail scandal! Sad!"

This is interesting. A new survey asked Americans which candidate they'd want to sit next to on a plane, and 37 percent chose Donald Trump. Meanwhile, the other 63 percent missed their flight waiting in the TSA line.

Yeah, they asked people which candidate they'd want to sit next to on a plane, and Donald Trump was the number one choice. When Trump heard this he was like, (TRUMP) "What does 'sit next to someone on a plane' mean?" (Did their private jet break down or something?)

Bernie Sanders asked why people didn't want to sit with him, and they said, "Because we don't want to be in coach." (BERNIE) "The one percent is getting all the peanuts!"

And it's being reported that the Obama family is planning to move into a nine-bedroom mansion in Washington D.C. after the president leaves office. Yeah, I guess he wants to be close enough to drive by the White House every morning and shout, (OBAMA) "Sucks, doesn't it?! See you tomorrow! Same time!"

And finally, I saw that Disney is considering making a live-action remake of "The Little Mermaid." It won't come out for awhile, so if you want to watch a woman swim around with some crabs, just watch "The Bachelorette."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.27.16

It's Memorial Day Weekend, everybody! That's right, it's the unofficial start of summer - and the OFFICIAL start of people thinking they look good in shorts.

Actually, Triple A reports that more than 38 million Americans will travel at least 50 miles from home this weekend. Also, the number of dads who actually WILL turn this car around is still zero. (It's a bluff, kids! Don't fall for it).

I read that the International Space Station crew struggled to inflate its new expandable room yesterday, and after three and a half hours, it grew only a few inches. Ground control comforted the astronauts saying, (CONSOLING) "Don't worry, this kind of thing happens all the time."

And I read that the company that makes products for Apple and Samsung in Asia has reportedly replaced 60,000 factory workers with robots. But just to keep it authentic, they're all CHILD robots.

Actually A mother in India has given birth to a 15-pound baby girl, and she's believed to be the heaviest female infant ever. They could tell it was a big baby, cuz when the doctor slapped her, she started taking off her shoes and earrings. (TAKE OFF EARRINGS/SHOES) "Oh no you didn't....you wana do this?!"

Hey, I saw that the SCRIPPS NATIONAL SPELLING BEE was last night on ESPN. Yeah I watched it and "ESPN" was the only word all night I knew how to spell.

And listen to this. One of the winners of this year's SCRIPPS NATIONAL SPELLING BEE has an older brother who won the competition in 2014. Or as their dad put it, (SIGH) "I'm just gonna throw these baseball mitts away." (HIGH PITCHED) Baseball! B-A-S.. (DAD) "Stop spelling everything!"

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