Check Out Quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON - Week of 4/25

Below, check out quotables from NBC's 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' for the week of April 25-29.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.25.16

Hey I want to thank everyone watching from home for tuning in. If you're watching from your bed, get comfortable! And if you're watching on an air mattress - hang in there, Jay Z.

Oh man, everybody's talking about this. On Saturday, Beyonce released a surprise album called "Lemonade" where she directs some of her anger at her husband, Jay Z. Yeah, an entire album where she yells at her husband. Or in other words - looks like Hillary's found her running mate!

Yeah this election is heading into the home stretch and it seems like the whole world is watching. In fact, I read that sales for Donald Trump piñatas have been soaring recently. Or as Donald Trump put it, (TRUMP) "Told you I could make the Mexicans pay for something!"

Speaking of Trump, apparently four out of Donald Trump's five airplanes are more than 20 years old, which they say is rare for most billionaires. I guess Trump doesn't know you're supposed to change PLANES every few years, and keep your WIFE forever. (TRUMP) "I misunderstood!"

Of course, keep in mind that Hillary is a 68 year old grandmother. So chances are she's got all kinds of condiments in her purse. (MOM, RUMMAGING THROUGH PURSE) "I also have ketchup in my bag, some tartar sauce. A screwdriver, some old batteries...do you want a breath saver from five years ago?"

And here's a little sports news. This week is the NFL Draft, and I read that a tight end from Baylor University named LaQuan McGowan is 6 foot 7 and weighs 405 pounds, and could become one of the largest players in NFL history. They're saying this guy is REALLY big...

He's so big, he's the favorite to win the SUPPER Bowl.

He's so big, his jersey number is infinity.

He's so big, instead of spiking the football after a touchdown, he spikes Bob Costas.

He's so big, if he gets drafted by the New York Giants, he'll play the position of ACTUAL giant.

This is pretty interesting. I read about an orthodox rabbi who recently blessed medical marijuana, saying that the weed is actually kosher for Passover. Which explains why some Jewish people were leaving ANOTHER chair empty for Scooby-Doo.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.26.16

Well, after being blind-sided by Michael Strahan's upcoming departure, Kelly Ripa returned to "Live with Kelly and Michael" today, where the co-anchors were reunited. The reunion was going great, until Beyoncé showed up and handed Ripa a baseball bat. (So Strahan is the Becky with the good hair?)

And I want to say Happy Birthday to Melania Trump, who turned 46 today! She spent her birthday like she always does - telling Donald that she's 23. (TRUMP)

Of course today was another big day for the election. There were five different primaries in Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island. Or as Hillary Clinton put it, "Why, those just happen to be my five favorite states!"

And over the weekend, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a loose cannon and said quote, "loose cannons tend to misfire." Trump was like (TRUMP) "My cannon works just fine, I guarantee you, there's no problem. I've already discussed this."

I don't know if this is a good idea but I just read about a clothing-optional restaurant that will open in London this summer, and it already has over 14,000 people on its waiting list. That story again: 14,000 MEN will be going to a naked restaurant in London. (DUMB) "Huh, there's no girls here!" (BRITISH WAITER) "More sausage, sir?"

And this is interesting. A new study found that almost half of millennials name their cars. While their parents are like, "What do you mean YOUR car?" (When the car's in YOUR name, YOU get to name it.)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.27.16

Of course, yesterday was a huge win for Donald Trump, who won all five of the primaries in the states of Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island. During his victory speech, Trump called it a "diverse victory." And it's true! Some people in those states shop at J. Crew, and others shop at the J. Crew OUTLET. (It's a real melting pot)

Yeah, Trump had a great day yesterday, sweeping all five state primaries. Afterward, he said, (TRUMP) "Usually my maid does all the sweeping, but tonight, it was me." (Last time, she missed a spot in Wisconsin.)

And this is pretty big. Today, Carly Fiorina was announced as Ted Cruz's running mate. Fiorina said it's always been her lifelong dream to lose twice in the same election.

Speaking of dropping out, I read that former presidential candidates Martin O'Malley and Mike Huckabee might actually be starting a bipartisan band together. The band has a great way to make money: Their concerts are free, but earplugs cost 200 dollars.

And did you see this? Pope Francis told thousands of teenagers at mass recently that happiness is not something you can download from an app. That story again, Pope Francis has never seen Snapchat filters. (Pretty sure rainbow vomit is the definition of happiness.)

And here's a little tech news. I saw that Tesla is giving its current car owners a one-month free trial of its autopilot, self-driving mode. Which means you don't want to be anywhere near a Tesla the moment that offer expires. (CASUALLY) "So anyway, I says to the guy, I says....STOP SIGN!!" (TRY TO GRAB WHEEL)

And get this. A new study found that the average whiskey drinker in America can't tell the difference between bourbon and rye. Of course, most of them ALSO can't tell the difference between a girl and a coat rack. (DRUNK) "Hey there! Why dontcha take off some of those coatz and get comfortable?"

And here's a pretty crazy story out of Texas. Police officers in Houston recently found a tiger wandering the streets wearing a collar and leash, and they're trying to locate the owner. I hate to be the one to say this, but have they checked INSIDE the tiger?

And finally a little local news. Apparently a 12-year-old girl who thought she was running a 5k fun run, ended up running a half-marathon when her mom dropped her off at the wrong race. Pretty amazing, she could do that at just 12 years old. Even more impressive, she didn't look up from her phone once.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.28.16

And did you see this? During his foreign policy speech yesterday, Donald Trump mispronounced Tanzania, and called it "Tan-ZANE-ia." Then Melania was like, "That's nothing - my name is actually Kathryn." (TRUMP) "Zip it Catheder."

And this is causing a little controversy here. The city of Oxford, Alabama just passed a law that makes it illegal to use any bathroom that doesn't correspond to the gender on your birth certificate. Which of course is bad news for transgender people, and also anyone who's ever had to pee while not carrying their birth certificate. (PATTING CHEST) "I always have it on me, must have left it in my other jacket today..." I gotta go home...it's in a safe or a box I don't know?

And this is very exciting, you guys, we have less than 100 days to go until the Summer Olympics! That's right, it's less than 100 days until people at home in sweatpants eating potato chips are like, "I could do that." ("I'd be in the triathlon too if I wasn't busy.")

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.29.16

Of course it's the big NFL DRAFT which started last night, and the Los Angeles Rams used the first pick to select quarterback Jared Goff. He's a college student who just got a job worth over 20 million dollars, or as he put it, "I no longer support Bernie Sanders!"

Yeah, the Los Angeles Rams used the first pick on quarterback Jared Goff. Or as fans in LA put it, (HAPPY) "They went to Jared!"

But the big story is what's being called the 16 million dollar bong hit. Yeah, I don't know if you heard about this but, Ole Miss star Laremy Tunsil dropped a few spots in NFL DRAFT and wound up losing 16 million dollars in potential salary, after a video appeared where he takes a massive bong hit. Scouts should've known something was up, when it took him a week to run the 40-yard-dash. (STONER) "It's the journey, not the destination, man!"

And back in Washington, the White House Correspondents' Dinner is tomorrow, and I read that Bernie Sanders will be attending. You could tell Bernie Sanders was a guest at the dinner when they had to schedule it at 3 pm. (BERNIE) "I'm gonna start a revolution...at the dessert table!"

Some entertainment news. Beyoncé kicked off her "Formation World Tour" this week and is actually selling a shirt that says, "Boycott Beyoncé." Yeah, she's actually daring people to dislike her - or as one guy put it, (TRUMP) "Trust me - it doesn't work!"

And finally, the movie "Mother's Day" comes out this weekend. Producers said they were also planning to release a Father's Day movie, but they never got around to it. (Here's a movie about a new tie and an iTunes gift card I guess.)

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