Check Out Quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON 9/24-9/28

Check Out Quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.24.18

Guys, from the hit show "This Is Us," Mandy Moore is my guest tonight! The new season starts tomorrow, and we get to see how her character Rebecca first met Jack. It's the 70s, so they just walked up to each other and said, "Swipe right!"

President Trump is in New York this week for the U.N. General Assembly. Yep, a large gathering of diplomats from foreign countries, or as Trump calls it, "Boring Miss Universe."

That's right, there are lots of foreign leaders here in New York City for the U.N. It's that special time of year when New Yorkers get road rage, then realize they just flipped off the King of Norway.

But I saw that while he's here, Trump gets to stay at his old apartment in Trump Tower. You can tell he's excited to be home, cuz his little paws kept scratching at the front door before it was opened.

Earlier today at the U.N., Trump said he's planning another meeting with Kim Jong Un. They'd actually meet sooner, but Trump's waiting for Amazon to deliver their matching onesies.

Here's some good news. Over the weekend, Michelle Obama officiated a wedding in Chicago. The couple would've asked Barack to do it, but they wanted to keep the ceremony under two hours.

Yesterday, Tiger Woods won his first tournament in five years. It was a huge moment for golf. I read that it had been over 1,800 days since Tiger Woods last won. Then the Cleveland Browns were like, "That's it?!"

I saw that Weight Watchers is shortening its name to "W.W." Which means in the next Weight Watchers commercial, you'll see the name bragging about how it dropped 12 letters.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.25.18

Guys, Taraji P. Henson is my guest tonight! And we've got the biggest BOY BAND on the planet - BTS is on the show tonight! Since they got to New York, they've been greeted by thousands of screaming fans. Then another guy in New York was like, "You hear that? They love me here!"

That's right, President Trump is here in New York. He spoke at the U.N. today, but he actually showed up late to his speech. Apparently on the way in, his tie got caught in the escalator.

I saw that Trump arrived at the U.N. alongside Melania. But keep in mind, "alongside" for Melania means she was three cars behind him.

Trump spoke at the U.N., and halfway through his speech, every foreign leader there was begging to be deported.

Tonight was the season premiere of "This Is Us." People who've been watching NBC all summer were like, "Wow, this is a REALLY sad episode of American Ninja Warrior."

Get this, guys. The co-founders of Instagram are planning to leave the company. But we all know they're just gonna open another one under a different name so their parents can't see it.

Listen to this, you guys. A school bus driver in Indiana was fired after it came out that she let students take turns driving the bus. Afterward, Greyhound was like, "We'll take her!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.26.18

I'm Jimmy Fallon, and if this all goes well, I might get as many laughs as Trump's speech at the U.N.

Did you guys hear about this? After U.N. diplomats laughed at his speech yesterday, President Trump said it was supposed to be funny. So basically Trump is that guy who trips in front of everyone, and then tries to turn it into a tiny jog.

And get this. After a toast at the U.N., Trump was spotted drinking Diet Coke out of a wine glass. But only after sniffing a sample and swirling it around first. "Full-bodied. Hints of aluminum. Vintage: 2017."

That's right, Trump drank Diet Coke out of a wine glass. Which is what the rest of America does when their dishwasher is broken.

I read that Trump just got a new 1.5 million dollar limo - and it fires tear gas, has night vision, and can lay down an oil slick to make anyone chasing it spin out of control. Even crazier - Melania's bedroom door does the exact same thing.

Yeah, the limo fires tear gas and lays down oil slicks for car chases. So I'm pretty sure Trump was like, "Build me the Batmobile."

Oh, this isn't good. Today a third woman accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexual misconduct, and now Trump wants to take Kavanaugh's defense into his own hands. Which is weird, cuz men taking things into their own hands is the reason this all started in the first place.

Hey, did you hear about this? Dunkin' Donuts has officially shortened its name to just "Dunkin'." Yeah, "Dunkin'." It's way better than their first idea for a shorter name... "D's Nuts."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.27.18

Today was the big Senate hearing for President Trump's Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh and his accuser, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. Trump said he was clearing his schedule to watch on TV - then realized his schedule already said, "Watch TV all day."

Actually, Trump watched the hearing while flying on Air Force One. You could tell it wasn't going well, cuz midway through, Trump tried stepping outside to get some air.

But it's not good. Judge Kavanaugh's been accused of sexual misconduct by several women, and many Republicans are still defending him. Americans were like, "Here's an idea - just pick a different judge!" (There are thousands of judges - Judge Judy, Judge Joe Brown, Simon Cowell.)

Oh, get this. Yesterday, Robert Mueller was spotted at an Apple store. When he said his computer's really slow, the employee said, "Like, 'normal slow' or 'your investigation' slow?"

And finally, I heard that Kanye West was recently spotted wearing a Make America Great Again hat and a Colin Kaepernick sweatshirt. And yet, somehow it's still the least confusing thing Kanye has ever done.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.28.18

Paul Giamatti is here tonight! Common is here tonight! And we've got magic from AMERICA'S GOT TALENT Winner Shin Lim! Yeah, and after yesterday's Senate hearing, hopefully he can make everyone in Washington disappear.

Speaking of leaving Washington, I saw that next week First Lady Melania Trump is going to AFRICA on a humanitarian visit. But when she gets there, people will be like, "How can WE help YOU?"

I heard that AFRICA will be Melania's first big solo trip as First Lady. In response, Donald was like, "I love AFRICA - it's my favorite song by Toto." ("I bless the rains down in Africa!")

I saw that for the first time, Canadians are now eligible to compete on "Survivor." Which'll be great, until they all politely vote THEMSELVES off.

Hey, listen to this. Alaska Airlines might start giving out virtual reality headsets to first-class passengers. Meanwhile, if you're in coach, they just duct-tape an in-flight magazine to your forehead.

This is interesting. I heard that IHOP is now making their own beer. It's perfect for people who think Waffle House beer is just a little too trashy.

I read that Taco Bell's breakfast menu is pretty popular, but nobody's ordering their coffee. Probably cuz drinking coffee after eating Taco Bell is like dropping a pack of Mentos into some Diet Coke.

You can now take at-home STD tests. Healthcare experts say it's perfect for anyone who likes to panic in the comfort of their own home.

A new study found that hand-dryers in bathrooms spread more germs than paper towels. Then the MAKERS of hand-dryers said, "But don't forget - we also don't dry your hands."

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