An American television institution for almost 60 years, "The Tonight Show" continues to be a home to big-name celebrity guests and a stage for top musical and comedic talent. Taking a cue from his unforgettable predecessors, including hosts Johnny Carson and Jay Leno, Fallon carrys on the tradition that audiences know and love - kicking off every show with the iconic "Tonight Show" monologue. Known for his huge online presence, Fallon will brings along with him many of the popular segments, celebrity sketches and musical parodies that fans have grown to love on "Late Night," including #Hashtags, Thank You Notes and Slow Jam the News.
Below, check out quotables from NBC's 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' June 14 - June 17
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.14.16
Well, there was a big upset in the
NBA FINALS last night. That's right, the Cavs beat the Warriors in Game Five, and LeBron James and Kyrie Irving each scored 41 points. Irving said he was just trying to help the team - then LeBron said, "Just don't let it happen again."
Well, let's check in on the election here. I saw that Donald Trump celebrated his 70th birthday today. And I guess instead of blowing out his candles, he just insulted them until they put themselves out. (TRUMP) "You're too hot! You smell like wax!
YOU'RE THE WORST part of this cake!"
I saw that Sunday's episode of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" revealed that Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney found out Rob was engaged to Blac Chyna by reading it online. In Rob's defense, that's also how the Kardashians find out they're even in the same room together. (ON PHONE / KIM) "OMG, TMZ says you guys are ALSO in the kitchen!"
And Uber just started letting users in Seattle reserve a ride as far as 30 days in advance. Though it's a little weird that they still let you see where your driver is that entire time. ("Looks like he's taking his family to the beach. Nice.")
I read that a NASA spacecraft "Juno" that launched in 2011 is scheduled to arrive at Jupiter in July to take pictures of the planet. When asked what kind of camera it brought, Juno was like, "Crap!" (Camera...Now I have to go back and get it.)
And finally, if you have kids you might want to listen to this. They just put out new sleep guidelines for babies, which say that infants need up to 16 hours of sleep each day. Or as parents put it, "Hey, tell that to our babies!" (We keep trying, but weirdly they don't listen.)
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.15.16
Hey I'm gonna start off with some good news for New Yorkers. Yesterday, New York governor Andrew Cuomo attended a ground-breaking ceremony to rebuild LaGuardia Airport, and called the airport the front door to New York. As opposed to now, when it's known as "the gates of Hell."
But the big political news is that the primary season is officially over! That's right, the last primary before the conventions took place in Washington, DC, yesterday, and Hillary Clinton was the winner. But get this, Bernie Sanders still hasn't dropped out. At this point, it's just weird that he's still hanging around -- speaking of which, Jay Leno is my guest tonight!
OOOF! I think I might have pulled something on that last joke. I'm not sure I can go on, actually. But this is The Tonight Show, we have to go on! I need someone to tag in for me!
(JAY LENO)
Hey, did you hear about this? According to the Social Security administration, the most popular baby names for 2016 are Noah and Emma. The least popular baby names? Donald and Hillary.
And more problems for Hillary Clinton. Bill has been out there campaigning for her and I don't think he's helping. Like last week in San Diego, Bill stopped to kiss a baby which is usually OK, except the kid was breast-feeding at the time.
Have you been watching Donald Trump's new reality show, The Amazing Racist? Trump is still refusing to take back what he said about the judge with the Mexican surname. In fact now he's threatening to have the judge deported back to Indiana.
According to a political
Science professor, all of Donald trump's speeches are given at a fifth grade level or below. And today Trump said the professor who did the study was a Doody Head.
There is now a dating site for Trump supporters called TrumpSingles.com. Because sometimes screwing the entire country is just not enough.
And Bernie Sanders is still not conceding. Bernie says he is the most anti-fossil fuel of any of the candidates. Well of course he is, that's cause he's the only candidate that's an actual fossil.
Bernie Sanders is still upset because his fund-raising dinners didn't raise as much money as Hillary Clinton's. Well of course they didn't, nobody wants to eat dinner at 4 o'clock in the afternoon, how much cream of wheat can you eat?
During an interview Bernie Sanders admitted to smoking marijuana as a young man. He said it impaired his perception and distorted his thinking but he expects that to wear off eventually.
And President Obama is doing well, his approval rating is 51%! The other 49% are taxpayers.
I tell you JIMMY the economy is bad, it's bad, it's so bad in Utah I saw a polygamist with just one wife!
The economy is so bad in Hollywood porn stars are being forced to get jobs as real pizza delivery guys.
The country is so bad I saw Mexicans patching a hole in the fence.
The economy is so bad I saw Colonel Sanders eating fried chicken at the Hometown buffet.
The economy is so bad the government is bringing in unlicensed contractors to raise the debt ceiling.
The economy is so bad I saw four mafia guys eating at the Olive Garden.
The economy is so bad I turned on
THE BIGGEST LOSER and saw my 401K.
The economy is so bad rappers can only afford to get their teeth bronzed.
(JIMMY)
The economy is so bad, my TV remote has a "menu" button and a "dollar menu" button.
The economy is so bad, Hillary Clinton deleted all her e-mails except the ones from Groupon.
The economy's so bad, my Uber driver walked up to me, pointed at his back, and said, "Hop on."
The economy is so bad, my ATM just dry heaves like a cat.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.16.16
Of course it's the election. Trump and Hillary are really starting to go at it. In fact today, Trump took a swipe at Hillary, and said he isn't sure if she understands the difference between a wall and a fence. Hillary was like, "Yes I do- a wall is something you want to build and a fence is the only thing keeping me from moving into the White House TODAY."
And yesterday Former Republican candidate Herman Cain said that one of the biggest lies about Donald Trump is that he is a racist. Then Trump was like, (TRUMP) "Thank you, Jay Z." (Give my best to your wife, Oprah.)
And one of Trump's big supporters, New Jersey governor Chris Christie is having a rough week. Yeah, lawyers working on the Bridgegate investigation claim that Chris Christie destroyed evidence connecting him to the scandal, including a cell phone. Christie said he had no idea where the cell phone was, then his stomach started ringing. "Don't put your phone too close to a sandwich..."
Oh this isn't good. The FDA is saying that it found "serious health violations" at some Whole Foods stores, and actually sent Whole Foods a warning letter. In response, Whole Foods shredded the letter, mixed it with some kale, and is now selling it for 18 dollars a pound.
And get this, a new study found that Viagra can actually help men live longer. Then wives were like, (SARCASTIC) "You mean he'll be old AND super horny? Lucky me."
And finally, a little celebrity news. I saw that Kim Kardashian appears nude on the current cover of GQ, with the headline, "Kim as you've never seen her." Which I can only assume means "in a library?"
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.17.16
Hey, I want to say Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there! Actually, this Sunday is Father's Day, Game 7 of the NBA Finals, the final round of the U.S. Open, AND a new episode of "Game of Thrones." Kids were like, "We're gonna spend the whole day bringing you beers, aren't we?" And dads were like, "Yep."
This is nice. I saw that Mark Zuckerberg is celebrating his first Father's Day this Sunday. Marking the one dad who's actually EXCITED to get a boring sweatshirt and a mouse pad. "Cool!!"
And this is sweet, in a video for Father's Day, the children of NFL players Drew Brees and Antonio Brown list a bunch of things they like about their dads. While Tom Brady's kids just complain about him deflating their bounce-house. (But they can't prove it!)
Of course the big sports story is the NBA finals. Last night the Cavs beat the Warriors to tie the series at three games apiece, and Steph Curry seemed really frustrated. In fact he even got ejected after he got mad and threw his mouth guard into the crowd.
Curry later said he was sorry. Then the guy was like, "Sorry? After I sell this on eBay I'll never have to work again!"
Then Steph Curry's mom was like, (MOM) "You better find it and wash it off, cuz we're not buying you another one!"
Actually, I read that male celebrities like Kanye West and Justin Bieber are wearing ripped jeans that cost up to 900 dollars. Or as dads with only one old pair of jeans put it, (DAD) "Look who's just as cool as Kanye Bieber!"
And I don't know what to make of this. A naked restaurant is opening in Japan next month, but apparently it's banning customers who are overweight, over 60, or have tattoos. Yeah, they said the last thing they want at their naked restaurant is a bunch of weirdos.
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