Check Out Quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON 4/2-4/6

Check out some quotables from last week on the TONIGHT SHOW:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.2.18

You guys, yesterday was Easter AND April Fool's. Which makes sense because Easter was the day when Jesus came back and was like, "April Fool's!"

And this morning, the White House hosted their annual Easter Egg Roll. When President Trump first heard there were a bunch of bunnies on the front lawn, he told his lawyer to pay them off.

At the same event, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos read a book to a group of little kids. There was a sweet moment when one of the kids said, "Sound it out, Betsy - you can do it!"

Get this. President Trump has declared April "National Sexual Assault Awareness Month," which means April is also "National Presidential UNAWARENESS Month."

This weekend, the movie "Ready Player One" topped the box office. It's about a world where people escape reality by playing a computer game. When Americans were asked if they'd ever be sucked into a digital world like that, they said, "One sec...sorry, what?"

Today, the Yankees had to postpone their home opener because of a snowstorm. You could tell it was cold cuz the foot-long hot dogs were only five inches.

Some celebrity news. Khloe Kardashian says she can't wait to go to the gym after her baby is born. Then every other new parent was like, "Yeah, let us know how that plan works out."

I heard about an 80 year-old man in Arizona who's on trial for robbing a bank. Apparently, he slipped the teller a note that said, "Do YOU know why I came in here?"

And finally, it just came out that Pope Francis once said that there's no such thing as Hell. Then he got stuck in Boarding Group C on Spirit Airlines and said, "Never mind! I found it!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.3.18

At first, I wanna say welcome to everyone at home who's getting ready for bed - and to all the students at Villanova who are still drunk from last night.

The NCAA Tournament wrapped up last night, with Villanova coming out on top! And if you won your office March Madness pool, congratulations - all of your coworkers hate you now.

But Villanova really played great. They beat Michigan 79 to 62. I'm not saying Villanova was cocky, but at halftime all five starters left for the NBA.

Let's get to some news. This week, President Trump has been sending angry tweets about Amazon for the way they run their business. Then someone handed Trump some bubble wrap from an Amazon box, and he forgot all about it.

But after Trump attacked Amazon on Twitter, their stock fell by five percent. It's all part of Trump's plan to get Amazon's stock to match his approval rating.

I guess Trump's claiming that Amazon costs the U.S. Postal Service too much money. Trump loves the Post Office - except every time he licks a stamp, he makes it sign a nondisclosure agreement.

I saw that six of Trump's cabinet members have been questioned about improper spending. Trump was shocked, he said, "I still have SIX cabinet members?!"

Listen to this. A student at Central Michigan University performed CPR on a squirrel that was found drowning in a campus pool. Even more strange, as she was doing CPR, the squirrel was winking at his friends.

And finally, I read about an Australian couple that put a GoPro on their dog instead of hiring a wedding photographer. And in the end, he got great shots of everybody's crotch.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.4.18

You guys, we have Mike Myers on the show tonight! And this is very cool - if we asked nice, he says that he'll take all of us back to Canada with him!

Yeah, the news in Washington has been pretty crazy. In a press conference, President Trump said that nobody has been tougher on Russia than him. In fact, last night, he made sure to hit Putin extra hard during their pillow fight.

Speaking of Putin, Hillary Clinton just called the Russian President a "world-class misogynist." When Trump heard that, he was like, "Wait, he gives MASSAGES too?!"

And get this. Hillary also said that when Putin heard Angela Merkel is scared of dogs, he brought one to a meeting with her. Which explains why at his next meeting with Trump, Putin will bring a treadmill.

I read that dozens of Facebook accounts linked to the Kremlin have been taken down. Russian hackers didn't mind, they were like, "Even WE don't TRUST Facebook anymore."

But Trump's been keeping busy. He just met with the leaders of Latvia, Estonia and Lithuania. And until that meeting, Trump thought "Latvia, Estonia and Lithuania" were cast members on "The Real Housewives." (TRUMP) "Do you know Melania?"

And this week, Trump said that two of the most incredible days of his life were spent in China. Mainly because it was the closest he'll ever get to seeing a great wall.

Some celebrity news. Today is Beyoncé and Jay Z's 10th wedding anniversary! Jay Z told Beyoncé, "I love you so much and can't imagine life without you," then Beyoncé replied, "K."

You guys, last night was the series finale of the HGTV show "Fixer Upper." So now if you want to watch a couple remodel a house, you'll just have to watch any other show on HGTV.

I saw that the ratings for ABC's "American Idol" hit a new low this week. You can tell it's struggling because "American Idol" just got asked to appear on "Dancing With The Stars."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.5.18

You guys, we have Norman Reedus on the show tonight! Of course, he stars in "The Walking Dead" - or as that's also known, "Trump's Cabinet."

But the president has been very busy. He's now ordering the National Guard to protect the U.S.-Mexican border until he gets his wall. But he was holding the map upside down when he did it, so he just sent all of them to Canada.

That's right, Trump is sending the National Guard to the border. Though up until a few days ago, Trump thought "The National Guard" was just a brand of deodorant.

Oh, and I read that Trump will take his first trip to Latin America next week. And the following week, Trump will return for his apology tour.

That's right, Trump's going down there for the "Summit of the Americas." When he saw it on his schedule, Trump was like, "Wait, there's more than one America?!"

And Russia is still in the news. I saw that their battleships have been lurking around communication cables in the ocean. But Trump has a plan to handle the battleships: screaming out, "B2!" ("Did I sink it?")

Get this. Facebook is admitting that their information leak might be worse than they thought. And it's true, cuz today I logged into my Facebook, and I saw my social security number trending.

I saw that Australia is also launching an investigation into Facebook. And this is very interesting - in Australia, Facebook stock actually goes down the toilet in a counterclockwise direction.

Some more tech news. Tinder is testing a new feature that lets users upload two-second looping videos instead of profile pictures. People were like, "Great - now I've gotta find a VIDEO of myself from ten years ago."

Tinder is letting people use a two-second video instead of a picture. So if you thought looking at photos of random people smiling was creepy, just wait until you see them hold that smile for a whole two seconds.

Actually, a lot of Tinder users experienced a technical problem this week and lost all of their matches. Then guys had to go back to flirting with women the old fashioned way: by offering them a spot on "The Apprentice."

I read about a woman in Washington, D.C., who found a dead lizard in her bag of Trader Joe's kale. When people heard that, they were like, "Gross! Kale?!"

I heard that a new high-tech bathroom just opened at LAX where a light turns green or red above each stall as it's being used. It's green if it's empty, red if it's occupied, and strobes if you've just eaten Taco Bell.

Oh, and I saw that Stevie Wonder tweeted for the very first time yesterday. And his tweet STILL had fewer spelling mistakes than President Trump's.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.6.18

Guys, we have Tiffany Haddish on the show tonight! And from "Super Troopers 2," Jay Chandrasekhar and Kevin Heffernan are here! President Trump actually saw the film, and then ordered the Super Troopers to guard the border.

Speaking of the president. Next week, Trump will make his first visit to Latin America. And I'm not sure about this - he already demanded a joint-meeting with Dora and Diego.

I read that Trump might replace Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Good luck to whoever gets that job, cuz those are some MIGHTY small shoes to fill.

And it's been a crazy week for international trade. First, the U.S. announced tariffs on China. Then China announced tariffs on the U.S. Then the U.S. put MORE tariffs on China, and China put MORE tariffs on the U.S. Then Japan turned around from the front seat and said, "Will you two knock it off?!"

Some business news. Delta Airlines says some of their customers' payment information was stolen. Delta apologized to everyone affected - then charged them a 30-dollar apology fee.

Yeah, Delta said customer information was stolen in a cyberattack. When they heard, Southwest Airlines was like, "Just ANOTHER reason we don't use computers." (Only an abacus reservation system. That's all we use.)

You guys, last night was the premiere of "Jersey Shore Family Vacation!" It's actually a competition show now, and the last person left in the house gets to be Trump's Chief of Staff.

And finally, I read that a Sonic fast-food restaurant in Mississippi had to put up a sign asking people in the drive-thru to stop smoking weed. You can tell the sign worked, cuz that Sonic has now gone out of business.

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