Check Out Quotables from TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON 1/29-2/4

Below, check out quotables from 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON from 1/29-2/4:

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.29.18

Well, tomorrow is President Trump's first STATE OF THE UNION Address. And you can tell he's serious about it, cuz today he hopped on his computer and Googled "How to do STATE OF THE UNION Address."

Of course, Trump's been practicing his speech ahead of time. While Mike Pence and Paul Ryan are practicing their "I'm Horrified But I Can't Show It" Face.

I heard that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will not be at the State of the Union, because of a previous commitment. When asked what she had to do, she said, "Oh, I just don't want to be there."

Some big news about the Russia investigation. It came out that Trump ordered the firing of Robert Mueller last summer. Even weirder, he ordered it through a McDonald's drive-thru. (TRUMP) "I want two Big Macs, a Diet Coke, and the termination of Robert Mueller."

But Trump's lawyer allegedly told him that if he fired Robert Mueller, it would have a catastrophic effect on his presidency. Then after a long pause, the lawyer said, "That means 'bad,' Mr. President." (TRUMP) "Oh, I'M SORRY - I thought you meant we were going to be invaded by cat people."

As if that's not enough, Trump's in another Twitter fight. This time he's feuding with Jay-Z. But on the bright side, it's nice to see the president having beef that's not between two buns.

Actually, Trump tweeted that someone should tell Jay-Z that black unemployment is at its lowest rate ever under his presidency. But after all the cabinet members he's fired, WHITE unemployment is at an all-time high. Very interesting.

A big sports story here. The Cleveland Indians announced that they will no longer use Chief Wahoo as their Logo beginning in 2019. They admitted that the Logo is extremely offensive, so they're only gonna wear it for 162 more games.

Hey, I saw that today is Oprah's birthday! Democrats got her a nice gift - an all-expenses paid trip to Michigan, Ohio, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania.

Oh, this is pretty cool. I saw that 83 year-old Republican Senator Orrin Hatch was at THE GRAMMYS last night. Midway through, he turned to the person next to him and said, (OLD) "This is the craziest STATE OF THE UNION I've ever been to."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.30.18

Well, tonight was President Trump's first State of the Union. And I saw that Trump read his speech off a teleprompter. You could tell because he began by saying, (TRUMP) "Applause. Good evening. Applause. Please be seated. They sit."

Yeah, he read off a prompter. To make sure he stayed on track, his staff had a little Mickey Mouse head bounce over the words like a sing-a-long song.

But experts said it was a very historic State of the Union. You know - cuz it marked the first time since taking office that Trump went a full hour without tweeting.

Actually, I heard about a fun drinking game for the speech. Here's how it works: if you took a shot each time Trump didn't stick to the script - your name is Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

But I guess most of Trump's STATE OF THE UNION address was written by his advisor, Stephen Miller. While the rest of Trump's presidency was written by Stephen King.

But this was embarrassing. Tickets to the STATE OF THE UNION had to be reprinted after they originally said State of the "Uniom." Even the guy who sent that false missile alert in Hawaii was like, "How do you mess that up?"

After Trump's speech, Massachusetts Congressman Joe KENNEDY became one of the youngest people to give the Democratic response. You could tell he's young, when all he said was, "He cray."

This is pretty big. Today, Amazon announced it's creating its own healthcare company. But it's kinda awkward getting healthcare from Amazon. Especially when a drone flies over your house and says, (ROBOT) "Viagra for Bob? Viagra for Bob? Is this the right house for bonerless Bob?"

And finally, I read that Apple is growing its fleet of self-driving cars. You can tell the self-driving cars are made by Apple, cuz when you hit a pebble, it shatters the entire windshield.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.31.18

Last night was President Trump's first STATE OF THE UNION Address. Yep, some people watched it on NBC, some people watched it on CNN, while most people watched it on mute.

I read that Trump's speech fell nine minutes short of breaking President Clinton's record for longest State of the Union. And when he heard that, Trump grabbed the mic and spent 10 minutes reading the iTunes user agreement. (TRUMP) "By using this software, I agree to abide by Apple's..."

He also said America is a nation of builders, and that "we built the EMPIRE State Building in just one year." Then he ruined it by congratulating Bob the Builder. (TRUMP) "Robert Builder, are you here? Please stand up."

And this was pretty big. Trump announced that he signed an executive order to keep Guantanamo Bay open. Of course, Trump thinks "Guantanamo Bay" is a water park at Six Flags. (TRUMP) "It's so much fun. Have you ever done a lazy river?"

I saw that First Lady Melania Trump held her own White House reception before the State of the Union. Yep, even the First Lady was like, "I gotta drink before this thing."

I saw that yesterday, a glitch kept sending iPhones the same CNN news alert over and over again. But if I wanted to be annoyed by the same CNN news alert over and over, I'd just watch CNN for five minutes.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.1.18

You guys, we are just three days away from SUPER BOWL 52! Which means we're just three days from finding out whether Boston will be burned down by an ANGRY mob, or a HAPPY mob.

But everyone's excited. In fact, I saw that on StubHub there's a SUPER BOWL ticket listed at over 66,000 dollars. And the person who buys it will get to the stadium and say, "10 dollars for a beer? That's crazy!"

And over on the Animal Planet, they're holding their 14th annual Puppy Bowl. This year, it will feature Team Ruff versus Team Fluff. And if you're curious which team is better - please visit www.GamblersAnonymous.org. They're here to help.

And as if that's not enough, Sunday is also the KITTEN BOWL on the Hallmark Channel! It'll feature the Little Longtails going up against their rival - a red laser pointer.

Speaking of TV. I saw that Omarosa is going to be a cast member on "Celebrity Big Brother." She said that after a year in the White House, she just wanted to be in a house without so much drama.

Some more news out of Washington. I read that the government is spending 24 million dollars to replace two refrigerators on Air Force One. Until then, they're keeping perishables cold by putting them between Donald and Melania.

Listen to this. A man in Massachusetts went to claim a 10,000-dollar lottery prize and found out that he'd misread the ticket and actually won a million dollars. Later, when his wife said, "Did you get the 10 grand?" he was like, (PAUSE) "...Yes."

And finally you guys, I read that the last Blockbuster location in Texas is closing. And when employees were told the news they said, (STONER) "Wait...we were still OPEN?"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.4.18

Well, it's official. We're moving the show to Minneapolis! (Hold onto your tater tots everyone!)

If you're still at someone's house after a SUPER BOWL party, I've got some news for you: they want you to leave. (They're too polite to say it.)

That's right, we're coming to you LIVE from beautiful Minneapolis, Minnesota, the home of SUPER BOWL 52! Over 65 thousand people attended the SUPER BOWL tonight. Yep, the crowd was 10 percent Eagles fans, 10 percent Patriots fans... and 80 percent angry VIKINGS fans.

Of course I wanna say congratulations to the Philadelphia Eagles for winning the Super Bowl! And I know one thing's for sure: The Roots are calling in sick tomorrow.

You guys - Justin Timberlake is on the show tonight! I knew he had a big day today, so last night I let him take the top bunk.

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