Check Out Quotables from THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON - Week of 5/9

Below, check out quotables from NBC's 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' for the week of May 9-13.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.9.16

Of course the big story this weekend was that the race horse Nyquist won the Kentucky Derby, while a horse named "Exaggerator "came in second place. Or as Exaggerator put it, "Hey, I won the Kentucky Derby!"

And this was cool. On Saturday, Mets pitcher Bartolo Colon hit his first home run after 19 years in the big leagues. You can tell it was his first home run, cuz at each base, he stopped and asked for directions to the next one. "What you want to do is head west, pass the second baseman - if you reach the short stop you've gone too far."

And I want to say congrats to Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps and his fiancée who just welcomed their first child. Immediately after the baby was born, he looked up and said, "How was my time?"

Let's check in on the election here. I saw that Jeb Bush wrote a Facebook post congratulating Donald Trump for securing the Republican nomination, but said he still won't support him. Yeah, Jeb wrote an insincere Facebook post. Or as that's also known, "A Facebook Post." ("OMG, you're engaged! I'm so HAPPY for YOU!")

And get this, on "Meet the Press" yesterday, Trump said he would like to see the minimum wage increased, saying quote, "I don't know how people make it on 7.25 an hour." Then his butlers said, "Just barely." (And having us make our own tuxedos was a nice touch.)

I guess Trump really IS a politician! Just promise BOTH things, so either way you're RIGHT. (TRUMP) "The rich will pay more in taxes, making them poor, so they'll pay less."

And today, house speaker Paul Ryan said that he would step down as chair of the Republican National Convention if Donald Trump asks him to. Ryan said the hardest part of walking away from the convention would be trying not to "skip away" from the convention. (See ya later suckers!)

Check this out. I read that Costco in Australia has started selling coffins in some of its stores. Which is great - til you have to explain to the cashier why you're buying coffins in bulk. (GRUFF) "Don't worry about it."

A little celebrity news. It's being reported that the Kardashians were frustrated when they were in Cuba because most Cubans have not seen their show, so they don't know why they're famous. As opposed to most Americans who have seen their show, and still don't know why they're famous.

And in a recent interview, Victoria Beckham said that when she used to perform with the Spice Girls, her microphone would be turned off to let the other girls sing. When asked why, she said, (DEEP VOICE) "Beats the hell out of me."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.10.16

I saw that Donald Trump supporters are upset with the show "Family Guy," after it recently made fun of Trump. But I see both sides of the issue. On one hand, it's just a cartoon - but that cartoon could be the President of the United States!

Speaking of Hillary... Yesterday, the State Department said that it can't find any emails belonging to Hillary Clinton's senior technology staffer from when Clinton was Secretary of State. Then Hillary said, (WIPE OFF HANDS) "You also won't find that staffer, either."

Some more news out of Washington. They finally got something done and passed a bill. That's right, Yesterday, President Obama signed a law that makes the bison the official mammal of the United States. After hearing the news, American Buffalos said, "Yes! Wait - are we bison? Or do we just look like them?"

And I saw that Snapchat ran into a little trouble recently. They actually had to apologize to a Russian artist after they used some of his artwork for one of their filters without asking for permission. The artist said the whole ordeal made him so upset that he was up all night puking rainbows.

And new research finds that retweeting and sharing posts can create "cognitive overload" and can make you forget what you read. Not only that - new research finds that retweeting and sharing posts can create "cognitive overload" and can make you forget what you read.

You know that streaming app you can use to publish video? Periscope. Well they're now testing out a feature that would let you save your broadcasts, instead of having them disappear after 24 hours. Yeah, the feature's called "YouTube."

Some business news here. I read that JCPenney is trying to cut expenses by reducing employees' hours. When asked when the changes will go into effect, the company's CEO was just a mannequin in a suit. (They're really cutting back over there.)

And here's a local story. New York's city council recently approved to charge stores five cents for plastic bags. So, soon New Yorkers can pay five cents for a plastic bag, or just walk outside and wait for one to blow into your face.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.11.16

Of course, the big story is still the election. And yesterday on "Good Morning America," Joe Biden said he is "confident" that Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic nominee. Then he said, "Of course, I also bet against the Mighty Ducks in all three movies, so what do I know??"

Something tells me that Ted Cruz is the ex-boyfriend who still hangs out with your parents even though you broke up five years ago. "Hey ya came home early!" "What are you doing here?"

And get this. Sources claim that the drug lord El Chapo will be extradited from Mexico to Brooklyn next month. Which raises the question - if we're bringing El Chapo here, who exactly are we trying to keep out with that giant wall?

And did you see this? I read that a Canadian teenager claims that he's discovered the remains of a lost Mayan City by using Google Maps. Yeah, the city has all sorts of ancient structures, including one pyramid, an altar and two RadioShacks.

Some business news here. The Gap just reported a decline in sales for its fifth straight quarter, and analysts are saying they might have to close over 100 stores. But look at the bright side - if there's one thing they know how to do at The Gap, it's fold.

And this is pretty cool. Employees at a Domino's Pizza saved a customer's life, by checking on him after they didn't hear from him, because he's ordered a pizza every day for 10 years. No word on what was wrong with him, but I'm guessing it had something to do with ordering a pizza every day for 10 years.

I read that a town in Texas that just agreed to build a 62 million dollar stadium for its HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL team. While the school's SOCCER team just got permission to buy a ball. (TEXAS) "Make it a USED ball! The stadium needs another doorknob."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.12.16

You guys, we have Drake on the show tonight! That's right, a black, Jewish, immigrant rapper from Canada - or as Donald Trump would say, (TRUMP) "I don't know where to begin." (Gimme a minute to organize all these zingers!)

Speaking of Trump, in a recent interview, he said that he's hoping to make the Republican National Convention more fun by hiring some entertainment. Which is confusing for a lot of people, because they thought Donald Trump WAS the entertainment. (This is better than WWE!)

And in a New York Times interview yesterday, Donald Trump compared his candidacy to both Broadway shows and baseball. Yeah, cuz both start really fun and end with half the people saying, "Wait, is this STILL going?!"

That's right, Trump compared his candidacy to a hit Broadway show. Yeah, I hate to break it to Trump, but there's already a Broadway show called "Hairspray."

But the big story is that today was the long awaited meeting between Donald Trump and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan. Or as Trump put it, (TRUMP) "This guy only has ONE house?? Sad!"

Some big TV news. It was announced that Morley Safer will retire from "60 Minutes" this week after 46 years with the show. When asked what he plans to do now that he's retired, he said, (SHRUG) "Watch '60 Minutes.'"

And Taylor Swift said this week that she's had a lot of time off recently and has gotten into watching the reality show, "Couples Therapy." Meanwhile, all her ex-boyfriends are like, "Oh, NOW she's into couple's therapy!"

And if you like Burger King you might want to listen to this. Burger King just unveiled a new item combining the elements of a Whopper and a hot dog known as the "Whopper Dog." You know, as in, "I've got to take a sick day, I just ate a Whopper Dog."

And this is pretty scary, I saw that British researchers are warning that one fifth of the world's plant species are at risk of extinction. And even worse, kale is expected to survive.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.13.16

You guys, today is Friday the 13th! So be careful you don't break a mirror or you'll get seven more years of this election.

But the big Trump news today is this audio tape that resurfaced from 1991, where Donald Trump apparently posed as his own publicist during a phone call with People Magazine. People are saying it's definitely him, but he's saying it's not. Hillary Clinton was like, "Isn't it annoying when people dig stuff up from the 90's and use it against you? SAD!

And get this. An artist is hoping to protest the Republican National Convention in Cleveland by having 100 women pose nude outside the event. Or as Republican men put it, (DRY/FAKE) "Hey. No. Stop." (Please don't have all those nude women. This is the worst day ever.)

And get this, after "Frozen" fans started a hashtag for Elsa to have a girlfriend in the next film, a conservative group started a petition demanding she falls in love with a man instead. And in response, Disney issued its OWN statement, saying "None of this stuff is real guys! Let it GO!" It's a cartoon!

Speaking of Facebook. The New York Post reports that more people check their Facebook feed than read THE BIBLE each week. Which explains that new commandment: Thou shalt not 'like' a bikini pic of thy neighbor's wife.

To post a comment, you must register and login.