Check Out Quotables from THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON - Week of 5/2

Below, check out quotables from NBC's 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' for the week of May 2-9.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.2.16

Well you guys, May is finally here! Yep, it's that special time of the year when the Earth puts the weather on "Random Shuffle." (UNION) "What if it rained snowballs and everyone got a sunburn?"

Let's get to some news. The White House Correspondents' Dinner was on Saturday, and President Obama ended his speech by saying "Obama out" and literally dropping the mic. Then Hillary Clinton caught the mic mid-air and said, "LET'S DO THIS!"

And get this, during an after party following the Correspondents' Dinner, a fight broke out between reporters at Fox News and The Huffington Post. But no major details came out about the fight - cuz it was only witnessed by CNN reporters. ("I THINK someone threw a drink? Or was it a missing plane?")

And this is cool. The White House announced yesterday that Malia Obama will attend Harvard University, but that she plans to take a year off before starting. Malia got the idea after seeing how much fun her dad is having with HIS year off.

And now that weed is starting to become legal in more and more places, big companies have started to take notice. In fact, Walgreens just published an article about the possible health benefits of medical marijuana. While CVS said it's just excited to watch stoners try and use its self-checkout machines. (STONER) "This thing just gave me a four foot long rolling paper!"

Speaking of weed. I read that Woody Harrelson's application to open a medical marijuana dispensary in Hawaii was denied. When asked why they denied the application, officials said, "Cuz it was written on a Doritos bag with a Sharpie."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.3.16

Well, today was the Indiana primary, and the results are in! Donald Trump saw his shadow, so there are six more months of the election!

Actually most people are considering this to be Ted Cruz's last stand, so he's really going after Donald Trump. Today he even claimed that Trump has never asked God for forgiveness for anything and said quote, "I've asked God for forgiveness three times today!" God's like, "Yeah, I know. I didn't pick up." (Let it go to prayer-mail.)

And this is pretty crazy. Yesterday, Heidi Cruz was asked about rumors that her husband is the Zodiac Killer, and she said, quote, "I've been married to him for 15 years, and I know pretty well who he is." That story again - Heidi Cruz didn't actually deny that her husband was the Zodiac Killer.

But Donald Trump just picked up another endorsement. That's right, he was endorsed by former NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL coach Lou Holtz, after also receiving an endorsement from former Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight. So if you're wondering how Donald Trump will defeat ISIS, it's by challenging them to a college sporting event in 1985.

Oh there was some exciting movie news this week. It was just announced that "Space Jam 2" is in the works, and the movie will star LeBron James. Yeah, it'll feature LeBron playing with a bunch of make-believe teammates - or as LeBron calls them, "teammates."

Meanwhile, actress Dakota Johnson is currently filming two sequels to "Fifty Shades of Grey" and said quote, "I've been simulating sex for seven hours straight and I'm over it." While married women were like, (ASIDE) "Try doing it for 30 years honey."

Some tech news here. Apple just released the first apps for its "CareKit" feature that helps you keep track of your medical conditions. And like all Apple products, you really start to panic when it says you only have 10 percent left.

And this wasn't good. The CEO of Priceline just resigned after it was revealed that he had an affair with an employee. As you can imagine, his wife is pretty mad - but on the bright side, at least he knows where to find a good deal on hotels.

This made me laugh. A high school French teacher in Texas was fired for not knowing how to speak the language, and it turns out the only word he knows is "bonjour." When asked if he was sorry for what he did, the man said, (SIGH, SAD) "Bonjour."

And I thought this was nice. A 100-year-old woman from right here in New York City just broke the world record for her age group in the 100-meter-dash. It's pretty amazing - in fact, they say she's the oldest person to enter a race since Bernie Sanders.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.4.16

Well, after last night's Indiana primary, it's starting to look like we finally have our two candidates for president. That's right, it's down to "Uh Oh" versus (SHRUG) "I Guess."

After winning the Indiana primary, Donald Trump is now set to become the first major party nominee without political experience since Dwight Eisenhower, who was a five-star General during World War II. When Trump heard that, he was like, (TRUMP) "Big deal, I'm gonna be president for World War III."

Today, John Kasich also suspended his campaign less than 24 hours after Ted Cruz. When asked why he waited this long, Kasich said, "So I could say I got second place!" (Not bad, right?? Number two for the Republican nomination!)

And this is pretty cool. Virgin America announced that it's teaming up with the "Rock the Vote" campaign to encourage passengers to register to vote while in the air. While most people see the candidates and say, "Any way we can just stay up here?" (PILOT) "If you look out your window, you'll see everyone moving to Canada."

A little celebrity gossip here. Page Six reports that Regis Philbin has been approached to return as Kelly Ripa's co-host on "Live!" Of course he might say no, or as Bernie Sanders put it! (BERNIE) "Looks like I found my Plan B, BABY!" ("We get excited! We shout! The kids love us!")

And people are very excited about this. Radiohead just released its new single, which is called "Burn the Witch." Then they immediately told Republicans, "No, you CANNOT use it in attack ads."

Of course, Sunday is Mother's Day, and I read that Mother's Day-themed, pro-marijuana billboards are popping up in Arizona. And you can tell they're working when Mother's Day Brunch lasts seven hours. (STONER) "You ever notice Mom is actually 'Wow' upside down??"

And this is interesting. Apparently a scientist in Poland recently discovered that insects actually have distinct personalities. But keep in mind, that's according to a scientist who spends all day with insects. (NERD) "Ooh - Barbara is in a BAD MOOD today!" (What's up your thorax Barbara?!)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.5.16

You guys, today is Cinco de Mayo! Or as Donald Trump calls it, "May 5th." (That's it.)

And now that Trump has the Republican nomination locked up, The New York Times ran an article that details Donald Trump's plans for his first 100 days in office. Then Trump was like, (TRUMP) "Can I get a copy of that? Cuz I didn't really think this through."

I saw that former Presidents George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush announced that they will not endorse anyone in the 2016 presidential race. Even crazier - they said that before Jeb dropped out. That's mean!

Oh, and check this out. I read that Jay Z is working on a new album to tell his side of the story, in response to Beyonce's "Lemonade." But before that, his friends are gonna release their own song called, "Don't do it, man!"

Some TV news. Syfy just revealed a poster for the next "Sharknado" movie that will air in July, and it will feature Dog the Bounty Hunter, Wayne Newton, DR. DREW and Motley Crue singer Vince Neil. Which is also the same people that'll be in Donald Trump's cabinet if he gets elected.

And here's a little news out of England. Kate Middleton revealed yesterday that her children have a pet hamster named Marvin. Well technically, his full name is (BRITISH) Marvin, Duke of the Running Wheel.

And finally, here's some good news if you're going to be traveling with your pet soon. A federal regulation is now requiring that airports serving over 10,000 passengers per year have an area in every terminal where pets can go to the bathroom. Or as that's called in LaGuardia, "All of LaGuardia."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.6.16

I want to say Happy early Mother's Day to all the moms out there! And listen to this. I read that Hooters is offering its annual free meal for moms, but apparently, moms must be accompanied by at least one kid. Who must also be accompanied by at least one psychiatrist.

Meanwhile, I read about a company that will make a life-sized 3-D printed model of yourself that you can send to your mom for 30,000 dollars. It's a great way of telling your mom: I'd rather spend 30,000 dollars than visit you in person.

And after speaking out against Donald Trump's plan to build a border wall, former Mexican President Vicente FOX has invited Trump to Mexico as a peace offering. Yep, FOX said, "And when you land, just look for my driver - El Chapo."

That's right, former Mexican president Vicente FOX has invited Donald Trump to Mexico to see the border from the other side. Then Trump invited Vicente FOX to the Trump Tower Grill to see what 'real' Mexican food tastes like.

This is cool. Justin Timberlake just released his first song since 2013 titled, "Can't Stop the Feeling." Fans were like, (JUMPING) "Oh my God! Oh my God!" and my wife was like, "Calm down, Jimmy!"

And I want to say Happy Birthday to our pal Don Rickles, who's celebrating his 90th birthday this Sunday. Yeah, Don Rickles is so old, his birth certificate says "First!"

He's so old he remembers when we had our first WHITE president.

He's so old, he tried to take a SELFIE with a rotary phone.

Don Rickles is so old I saw Betty White helping him across the street.

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