Check Out Quotables from THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON - Week of 5/16

Below, check out quotables from NBC's 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' for the week of May 16-2o.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.16.16

Well, it's this big New York Times expose on Donald Trump that reveals what they say are some pretty questionable interactions with women, including claims that when Trump ran the MISS USA Pageant, he would frequently rate women's appearances right to their faces while they just stood there. Which is really sexist and also pretty much THE ENTIRE POINT of any beauty pageant.

But the article also points out that Donald Trump's hired many women to run his businesses, and even quotes him as saying, "A good woman is better than 10 good men." Then Hillary was like, "Thanks for the new campaign slogan!"

Meanwhile, a restaurant in Lithuania is stirring up controversy by displaying a mural on its wall that shows Donald Trump kissing Vladimir Putin. Trump said he's not mad that it shows him kissing a man - he's mad that it shows him kissing someone over 40.

And get this. In a recent interview, Ben Carson suggested that Donald Trump is considering Sarah Palin as his running mate. America was like, "Hey, if we're gonna do this, we might as well DO THIS, RIGHT?" (Why half ass it?)

Oh and this isn't good. At the Nevada Democratic Convention this weekend, a fight broke out between supporters of Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. Yeah, you should have seen it - there were NPR tote bags everywhere!

Sources say it was a close fight, but Hillary's supporters were able to win by one percent.

Here's a local story. A group of alleged mobsters were just arrested in New York, and their nicknames included "Grandpa," "Baldy," "Lazy Eye," and "Fat Sal." Which are the same nicknames Trump gave his possible running mates. (TRUMP) "Hey Lazy Eye - get me Baldy! And tell Fat Sal to go back to New Jersey!"

And this is nice. I saw that Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton will star in a new Nickelodeon show helping kids achieve their lifelong dreams. Or almost achieve their lifelong dreams, but then blow it when the pressure is on.

Hey, I saw that "The Angry Birds Movie" comes out this weekend. And they're saying that the birds in the movie ARE angry, mostly because the movie didn't come out two years ago.

And check this out. The next Star Wars movie is currently filming in Ireland. You can tell they're filming "Star Wars" in Ireland when Darth Vader is like, (IRISH) "Luke, I am your father. And her father. And his father. And his father too. And these three children over here...!" (I'm also somehow my OWN father as well...)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.17.16

And this is kinda crazy. I read that a new super PAC is actually trying to convince Amish people to vote for Donald Trump. And those people were like, "We're not Amish - we just got rid of our TV's so we could stop hearing about Donald Trump."

Meanwhile, Donald Trump's ex-girlfriend says her quotes in the New York Times expose this week were twisted to sound negative, but that she didn't have a negative experience with Trump. Then she said, "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go drive the new Porsche I can suddenly afford."

Oh and get this. I read that a lock of Thomas Jefferson's hair was just sold at a Texas auction for almost 7,000 dollars. The seller plans on using the 7,000 bucks he got for Jefferson's hair to buy one ticket to Hamilton.

And this isn't good. Over 400 passengers missed their flights at Chicago O'Hare on Sunday because of the TSA security lines which were up to three hours long. It's bad news for travelers, but good news for dads who insisted on getting to the airport five hours early (DAD) "Toldja! Admit it! I was right!"

Hey I want to say Happy Birthday to legendary boxer Sugar Ray Leonard, who turned 60 years old today! You can tell he's getting older by his NEW name - Splenda Ray Leonard. (Good for him! It's healthier!)

But check this out. The oldest person in the world, a 116-year-old woman from Italy, attributes her long life to eating eggs and being single. When asked how she's stayed single for so long, she said, "I eat A LOT of eggs." (That's why they call me Sulfur Suzy.)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.18.16

We had a couple more Democratic primaries yesterday, including one in Kentucky, and get this, before the media could even project a winner, Hillary Clinton went on Twitter and claimed victory. People said, "Secretary Clinton, isn't that a bit premature?" And she said, "Please, call me President Clinton."

Oh, but the big story is Trump's primetime interview with Megyn Kelly last night. The two of them seemed to bury the hatchet, and Megyn Kelly even gave Trump her cell phone number in case he ever wanted to chat. Though when Trump tried to call it later, a guy picked up and said, "Domino's!" (TRUMP) "I can't believe she did this. Okay I'll have some cheesy bread."

And in a recent interview, "Shark Tank" host Mark Cuban predicted that if Donald Trump is elected, it would be bad news for Wall Street. And in related news, Donald Trump just got endorsed by Bernie Sanders.

And check this out. According to newly leaked NSA information, workers at Guantanamo Bay enjoyed perks like a "Tiki Bar," sailing, and snorkeling. So now we know why Obama hasn't closed Guantanamo Bay - he's gonna move there next year.

And last night, FOX premiered its new reality dating show "Coupled." I watched it for 10 minutes and thought "These two are not going to make it," then I realized I was watching the Megyn Kelly-Trump interview.

And Google just launched a new app called "Carpool" that can match you with strangers who need a ride while you're driving around. You know, as in, "Nobody's seen or heard from Dave since he used 'Google Carpool.'"

Here's a local story. I saw that a man from New York proposed to his girlfriend by playing a video on one of the giant billboards in Times Square. It was a beautiful moment, until Times Square Elmo said, (SMOKE CIGARETTE) "I give it two months."

And finally, I read that a "Game of Thrones" version of the board game "Clue" is now for sale. It's like regular "Clue," except that everyone did it, in every room, with every weapon.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.19.16

The New York Times just did a big profile on Donald Trump, and revealed that he has life-size portraits of Ronald Reagan and John Wayne at his campaign headquarters. And if you don't see them right away, it's because they're right behind the 25 foot tall portrait of Donald Trump.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump's campaign manager recently compared himself to the jockey who rides American Pharoah. Which is ironic, cuz if he gets elected, Donald Trump will change the title of "president" TO "American Pharaoh." ("I'll build my own pyramid!")

And CNN is reporting that MITT Romney has given up on trying to recruit an independent candidate to run against Donald Trump. You can tell Romney's depressed because last night he drank an entire bottle of ginger ale.

But there's actually some good news out of Washington. I read that for the third year in a row, Washington D.C. was named the fittest city in the U.S. Mainly cuz Michelle Obama goes around slapping pizza out of everyone's hands. "Hey! Is that pizza?"

Some TV news. CBS announced that Season 33 of "Survivor" will be called "Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen X." It'll start in September, and end 20 minutes later when both teams realize there's no WiFi. "Are you getting a signal?!"

Yeah, the next "Survivor" will be Millennials vs. Gen X. They say the winner will come down to those who CAN, and those who can't even.

This is cool. I read that Leonardo DiCaprio bought an 18,000 dollar Chanel bag for his mom while attending the Cannes film festival. I'd buy my mom a nice bag, too - but then she'd have to transfer all her ketchup packets from her purse. (MOM) "You never know when you'll need 'em Jimmy!"

And see what you think about this. A new study finds that most people have something called "unethical amnesia," where they can't remember the mistakes they've made, but have no problem remembering other people's mistakes. Or as most couples put it, "Well, that's never happened to me - but HE does it all the time!"

And finally, the Wall Street Journal just reported that America has a surplus of cheese, and that every person in the country would have to eat an extra three pounds of cheese this year just to get rid of it. So the next time the pizza guy judges you for ordering five pizzas, just say, "I'm doing this for America!!" (USA! USA!)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.20.16

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are starting to really go at it. This week Hillary criticized Donald Trump's behavior, saying that when you run for president, the rest of the world is watching. While the rest of the world was like, "Yeah, and we're LOVING this!" ("Canada, pass the popcorn!")

But this election keeps changing. In fact one of Trump's supporters just said Trump may not actually build a real wall. He said it might just be a metaphor for tighter immigration laws. Of course Trump said he doesn't waste time with metaphors, then reminded everyone that his hands are very very big. (And you know what they say...

And get this, while at a rally with Chris Christie in New Jersey yesterday, Donald Trump said, quote, "if you can make it in New Jersey, you can do just about anything you want in life." Then Trump looked at Christie and said, (TRUMP) "Well, except be President."

A bit of a SCANDAL here. Disney World employees are using an anonymous confessions app to speak out about the park. And some employee revealed that "Have a magical day" is apparently code for "Go eff yourself." Or as dads hearing ticket prices put it, (SALUTE) "Have a magical day!"

And I saw that the vacation rental service "HomeAway" is holding a CONTEST where winners will spend a night in the Eiffel Tower. It's a cool vacation until you realize it actually gives you the WORST view of Paris. (DUMB) "You can't even see the Eiffel Tower from this tower!"

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