Check Out Quotables From THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON 1/22-1/26

Below, check out quotables from 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON from 1/22-1/26.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.22.18

Good news - it looks like the government shutdown is over. They shut it down, and they started it back up. It's nice to know Trump's plan for fixing the government is the same as fixing a Windows computer. (TRUMP) "Did you try unplugging it? Wait ten seconds."

Another big story here. Saturday was the second annual Women's March, and thousands of women held signs protesting the president. But Trump was like, "Joke's on you - I can't read."

Let's get to some sports here. Last night, the Eagles moved on to the SUPER BOWL after beating the VIKINGS 38 to 7. The last time someone got beat up that bad in Philadelphia, he had to move in with his Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air.

Also, the New England Patriots advanced to the Super Bowl. Did you see this though? It looked like one of the referees was actually celebrating with the Patriots after the game. When asked if the game was rigged, the ref said, (RUSSIAN) "No - was completely normal game of American football. Heh heh."

A lot of people were talking about this. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their newborn daughter "Chicago West." That sounds less like a baby and more like something that would air on Thursdays at 10 p.m. on NBC. "Next on 'Chicago West...'"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.23.18

I saw that today a White House adviser compared President Trump to Houdini, because "if you keep him in a cage, he's gonna get out." When asked how he knows that, he said, "Cuz we put him in a cage...and he got out."

He said Trump's like Houdini. If you think about it, Trump is a pretty good magician - cuz in the past year, he sawed his approval rating in half and made everyone who worked for him disappear.

In the meantime, Trump keeps demanding money for his border wall even though there are limited funds. Trump is like that couple on "House Hunters" who wants a five-bedroom mansion on a 70,000-dollar budget. (TRUMP) "And it has to have marble countertops! That is a must! I won't even look at it!"

Meanwhile, the White House announced new restrictions on washing machines imported to the U.S. It's partially to protect consumers - mainly because Trump was eating too many Tide Pods.

But this is cool. The History Channel's show "Pawn Stars" is celebrating its 500th episode. To celebrate, the network gave the producers gold watches, which they immediately knew were fake.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.24.18

Some big news about the Russian investigation. It came out that Robert Mueller wants to interview President Trump. It's gonna be awkward when Trump tries to flee to Mexico and can't climb over his own wall.

But tonight, Trump is flying to Switzerland for the World Economic Forum, and the flight's supposed to last EIGHT hours. Or as they told Trump, "16 'SpongeBobs.'"

But there were lots of protests in Switzerland. One person was holding a sign that said "Dump Trump." But the president wasn't mad - he said, "Haha, you spelled Donald wrong."

I wanna say congrats to Senator Tammy Duckworth who will become the first U.S. Senator to have a baby while in office! That's right, she's having a baby, so at least we've got ONE Senator who'll deliver.

Check this out, guys. Pizza Hut says if either team beats the record for the fastest touchdown in the Super Bowl, it's giving away free pizza to people in its loyalty program. The only downside is you have to tell people that you're in the Pizza Hut loyalty program.

This was pretty big today. Elton John just announced that he is going to retire after his next world tour. There's gonna be a dramatic moment at the end where he admits that the lyrics really ARE, "Hold me closer, Tony Danza."

And finally, I saw that two guys in Minnesota were pulled over with almost 500 pounds of weed in their car. You could tell it was a lot, cuz even their GPS was like, (STONER) "Forget about the destination - it's all about the journey, man!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.25.18

Some pretty big news about the Russia investigation. President Trump told reporters that he's willing to talk to Robert Mueller under oath. Then Trump turned to his lawyers and said, (TRUMP) "Relax, I'll have my fingers crossed the whole time." (Foolproof legal defense.)

Yep, Trump is willing to talk to Robert Mueller under oath. But it'll get off to a weird start when Trump's told, "raise your right hand" and he goes "My right or your right?"

Meanwhile, the Justice Department recovered 50,000 missing text messages from FBI agents. Yep, 50,000! And they were ALL from just trying to set up a group brunch. (TEXTING) "I can't make it then man, no way. My kid's got karate."

Trump's actually in Switzerland for the World Economic Forum right now. Then someone asked him about "stakeholders," and Trump said, "I believe the word is 'fork.'"

Hey, some TV news here. It was announced that the 90s sitcom "Murphy Brown" is coming back. Yeah, ANOTHER revival! You also have "Roseanne" on ABC, "Will and Grace" on NBC, and "The Twilight Zone" on CNN.

A pretty big sports story here. WWE chairman Vince McMahon says that he's bringing back his football league, the XFL! XFL fans were like, (BRO) "What a day! Murphy Brown, and now this!"

Get this, you guys. A man broke a Guinness world record by walking barefoot on a 120-foot path of loose Legos. This beats the old record, set by every dad getting up to use the bathroom at night. (WALKING) "Ow! Ow! Ow!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.26.18

This is kinda weird. It came out that the White House asked the Guggenheim if they could borrow a piece of art by Van Gogh. The museum said no, and instead, they offered Trump a sculpture of a gold toilet. Then Trump said, "Wait...that was just a sculpture?" (Uh oh - nobody go into the Oval Office!)

Oh, check this out. A 1969 Cadillac that was converted into the "world's fastest mobile hot tub" sold at an auction, but the bidder wants to remain anonymous. Cuz if you're riding around in a HOT TUB CADILLAC, the last thing you want is attention.

And finally, you guys. I saw that this week, former First Lady Laura Bush was on the HGTV show "Fixer Upper." While the current First Lady asked if she could appear on the show "Wife Swap."

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