BWW Recap: SURVIVOR- BLOOD VS WATER 12/3; Full Results!

Brace yourselves, fellow reality TV junkies. Tonight's SURVIVOR is supersized, with two episodes airing back to back. That's double the challenges, double the backstabbing, and double the ridiculous hashtags. Double. The. Drama. Really. "Tensions are running high" and "patience is running low" in Huyopaville, which I guess is to be expected at this point of the game. With just eight contestants left on the island, the stakes are only getting higher, and the million dollars is only getting closer. It's time to be a little cutthroat. A little conniving. Plus being stuck with the same people week after week probably just gets annoying. It's only natural. Whatever it is, it makes for better TV--am I right?! (*Waits patiently for a high-five.*)

If the promo for tonight's SURVIVOR-palooza tells us anything, it's that just about everybody will have some piece of delightful absurdity to bring to the table. First you've got Reed calling Baylor a brat, and Missy telling him to shut up--and really, it's such a high school cafeteria exchange, you practically expect Principal Probst to pop up like, "Hey, you kids, let's all just get along..." It's ridiculous. It's great. Meanwhile, there's trouble in paradise again for Huyopa's "it" couple. At this point, if I were Jaclyn, I'd say "peace out Cub Scout" to boyfriend Jon and be done with it. He's just holding her back in this game. And anyway, you can buy a new boyfriend when you're rich. Right? Is that heartless? Then for another dose of hearty chuckles, you've got Alec lamenting, all tortured hero and whatnot, very James Dean: "My back's against the wall." Oh, really, Alec? Really? You're still here? Not to be outdone, Natalie chimes in for a final dash of island angst: "I could totally flip the game." Look, Nat. I like you. I do. But I'm pretty sure you can't. I mean, last week you gave up immunity for a reward--actually, even worse, you gave it up and gave it to the one person you had been campaigning against! Get your head in the game, girl!

Alright, that's enough snark out of me. But one final note, my dear, SURVIVOR contestants: let Elvis Presley be your guide. A little less conversation, a little more action. Please.

Are you ready for a double dose of Huyopa? Which SURVIVOR are you still rooting for? Who will get voted out tonight?

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8:01 Strap yourselves in, boys and girls. We are OFF! And did I just see a porcupine in a tree? Is that what that was? Do they have porcupines in Nicaragua?

Uh oh. Four minutes in, and already Jaclyn and Jon are bickering. You know it's bad when the boyfriend starts calling the girlfriend "babe." But, uh, BABE, I, uh, we, but, BABE! I love the idea of Jaclyn being like, "Screw you! I'm going to the final three!" Notice I say "idea." The concept is nice, but the players this season seem to like talking more than actually doing, soooooo...

8:07 These challenges are always kinda fun. They're the only ones I feel like I could actually do, y'know. Welp, scratch that. Got the first one wrong. Psht. Whatever.

HA! WOAH! When did Survivor become Game of Thrones? Did they really think it was necessary to have fake blood ooze out of these skulls after they're crushed? Like, holy unnessary symbolism, Batman.

Wait, did Jeff really just put the kibash on this challenge? Just like that? Y'know, this has really been a season of firsts, and I don't know if that's a good thing. These guys are kinda boring, just wishy washy all over the place. They can't even get through a reward challenge the right way. Oh my goodness, this just became the most awkward reward challenge ever. You're a brat, Baylor! You shut up, Reed! Listen here, girl! Wow, Reed, just wow! Eesh. Tensions really ARE running high.

8:20 What is even the point of Exile Island. I mean, really. It might be more interesting if we spent a little time there, but they always show it for like two minutes, and it's always the same--just climbing around cliffs, digging through dirt, blah blah blah, until they either find an idol or they don't. I'm over it.

Don't people know that they need to be strategic during these rewards? Missy, Baylor, and Natalie may be bffs, but now they just totally left Jaclyn behind to get worked over by the boys. Very silly indeed. They just completely showed their hand. That's a final three deal right there, mhmm.

8:32 Cream cheese. Hashtag. Cream cheese. This is a thing that actually happened on Survivor tonight. Appreciate that for a second.

What the heck was Jon doing on Exile Island? Jaclyn's all cute like, "Ew, get away, you're so dirty," but no, really, why are you so dirty?

This is the worst immunity comp I've ever seen. How is anyone supposed to this? Like, did they test it beforehand? Are they sure it's even possible? Where's the science!

Keith is pretty good at these challenges. Anybody else notice that? More importantly, anybody else absolutely 100% shocked by that?

8:45 Wait. I take it back. I take it all back. #winkwink just stole the show. Thank you and good night.

Okay, Jaclyn is being ridiculous. Sure, Jon snapped a little, but get over it. You've got tribal council in like 10 seconds! Are you kidding me? This is so childish, it's actually physically painful for me to watch.

8:54 Who. The. Heck. Is going to go home tonight. Literally, who? I genuinely have no idea. Again. I'm beginning to sense a theme this season. And y'know what, tonight, I don't think even they know! Welp, yup, there goes Reed. That's too bad. But it was probably the smartest move. I guess. I don't know. Who knows. Do you know? I don't know. Nobody knows.

9:00 Alright, folks, who's ready for round two?

9:07 It's bad enough going through these endurance challenges, but imagine doing them in the heat. That's gotta be rough. And then you hear that they've been up there for, like, seven hours or whatever. Okay, that may be an exaggeration, but seriously, that can't be fun.

I love how Papa Probst pointed out that a challenge win can help you build your case to the jury at that last tribal. Because this season, I feel like that may be the only kind of case these players can make. Yup, won a bunch of challenge, so, vote for me, maybe?

Oh, yay! A win for Natalie! I don't hate that. Also, has she been wearing...a peplum t-shirt this whole season? Talk about island chic. Ooooh, well, this is interesting. Natalie picking Jon and Jaclyn to share the reward...Probably a good idea too. Strategy, friends. Strategy.

9:19 Well. This is very awkward. How are you supposed to enjoy a huge, fluffy, canopy bed when your fellow tribemates are just giving you hardcore stinkeye from across the beach? Wait, um, is that chicken parm? Okay, nevermind, teehee, later haterz.

9:27 If Natalie actually follows through and gets rid of Jon tonight...that would be kind of awesome. That would be a real blindside, not just a...y'know...accidental blindside.

I love how "let's go get water" has become code for "let's go talk about everybody." Hehe. #littlesurvivorthings.

Okay, if Keith wins another immunity comp, he either needs to go, or win the whole thing. There is no inbetween. Dah! No! Is Jon seriously going to to take this one?! Just when Natalie was really starting to show some promise. Now what!

9:43 I wonder if Jon even realizes just how much he needed that individual immunity. This is the second time Natalie's plans have gone completely out the window. Last week, it was her fault, sure, but this week, she had it! How frustrating. And now she wants to vote out Alec? Oy. Don't act like voting out either Alec or Keith is a "big move." By any stretch of the imagination.

9:55 Who's it gonna be, who's it gonna be. Ha, look at Alec spelling it "Kieth." You silly, silly goose. WAIT, HAHA, look at everyone's faces, like totally gobsmacked across the board. That's hilarious. Sorry, Alec, but, um, if it makes you feel any better, apparently nobody else was expecting it either?

Did you survive this double dose of Huyopa? Can you handle anymore blindsides?

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Photo Credit: CBS

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