BWW Recap: Read Patti Murin's BACHELORETTE Recap, or she will Eat You

WARNING: I'm on Day One of a juice cleanse and I can't have my regular glass of wine and bag of popcorn during this week's episode, so I may be crankier than usual. Also, I've never done a juice cleanse but after a week of drinking like a fish and eating grilled cheese and whole pints of ice cream at 2 AM, I figure my body could use a sensible break. NOW KEEP READING, DAMMIT, AND THEN SHARE THIS POST ON EVERY SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM THAT EXISTS OR I WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND EAT YOU.

This week has been a weird one for The Bachelor/ette. Last season's Bachelor, America's Most Famous Farmer Chris Soules, and his lady of choice, Whitney Bischoff, broke off their engagement. Thank you for all of the condolences. They simultaneously made me feel very honored that you think of me whenever Bachelor/ette news is released, and slightly embarrassed for the same reason. Also, ABC has been teasing a "bromance" between two of the guys in he house, JJ and Clint, that really should just be called a "romance." I can't tell if it's totally real, half true with some genius editing, or completely fake. If it's fake though, I will say this: I do NOT like being manipulated.

So! We begin where we left off, with Kupah the Party Poopah ranting and raving in the driveway after Kaitlyn told him to skedaddle because of all of his, well, ranting and raving. She hears him from inside the Interview Room of Excellent Editing and goes outside to tell him to shut the heck up. He tells her again that he doesn't want to go home, even though he just told the cameraman to let him leave. Kaitlyn sends him away for the billionth time, and Kupah retaliates by telling an unseen cast psychiatrist crew member, "I honestly don't even like her." Goodbye, Kupah. Return to MarioWorld and breathe fire in those dungeons that all look the same, cause no gal is gonna want to date you now.

Rose Ceremony time! Clint the Ken doll, JJ the D-bag and Benzee (Ben Z. but whatever) already have roses from their respective dates. Kaitlyn gives the remaining roses to Derrick (Ashton Kutcher with a toupee), Ben H., Shawn (skinny Ryan Gosling), Jonathan, Tanner (who looks exactly like Ben H., kill me now), Chris "Cupcake" Dentist Car Man, Ryan (who?), Justin (who?), Ian, Joshua the Welder, Corey with an "e" (seriously, kill me), and shockingly, Tony the Healer. Though I firmly believe that a man who has "the heart of a warrior and a gypsy soul," who is also willing to leave his bonsai tree at home to look for love, deserves an extra week on the chicken ranch. I mean in the House of Herpes. I mean in THE BACHELOR mansion. Sorry, juice cleanse. This means we say goodbye to a person named Daniel that I swear we have never met and Cory. No, not Corey, CORY. Ugh, keep UP, people.

The men are awoken very early the next morning by some Sumo wrestlers with gongs. I literally can't believe I just typed that sentence. The first Group Date this week involves-guess what, you'll never guess, guess what they're doing-SUMO WRESTLING! They will be mentored by two champion sumo wrestlers, Yama and Byamba, the latter of which holds the distinction of being the heaviest Japanese human being that has ever existed. So, like picture me freshman year of college after I gained 22 pounds. Clint, Chris, Tony, JJ, Joe, Sean are the lucky men who get to don the traditional sumo mawashi, better known to us 'mericans as gigantic adult diapers, which are not equipped to hold all of their junk. There is not a blur spot or black bar in the world that can cover the amount of man parts being exposed at this moment. Makes me wonder if Kaitlyn is going to take those new "bits" of information into consideration at the next Rose Ceremony. Am I right, ladies????

The men all get a turn in the ring with the pros, and Tony gets the crap beaten out of him, albeit gently. Being a very sensitive humanoid, this makes him very upset and he goes to pout and cry in the corner. Kaitlyn attempts to talk to him, and all he does is berate her for all of these dates that revolve around aggression. JJ riles him up even more, and I wonder if they realize that they are still wearing Man Pampers while having this macho moment. Tony bows out of the date officially and doesn't show up for the exhibition portion of the evening, where the boys get to show off their sumo moves to crowd of strangers! Oh, the things we do for love. Clint wins the tournament and flexes a lot before he goes back to his pink Ken doll box and freezes for the night.

Back at home, Tony is still aggressively quiet-whining about the dates. I believe his words are, "Why can't we go to the zoo? And you know, imitate animals? Who makes the best elephant noise?" He packs his bags, puts on his sarape one last time and leaves the house, but not before picking a flower for Kaitlyn and giving her a goodbye hug. Tony!! You just killed that daffodil!!! Murderer.

Back inside, Clint lays low to see if Kaitlyn will come to him, and she ends up giving Shawn the Date Rose. She is very open about her disappointment in Clint, and he wonders if she isn't the girl for him. However, for the first time ever, he IS here to make friends! He wants to stay to further explore some of those relationships, specifically with JJ. More on that later...

One on One Date time! Benzee is the winner, and their date card says "Be prepared for anything." Very helpful. They end up in one of those Escape the Room games, where you are locked inside a room and given 45 minutes to find a code that frees you. This room is rather haunted and scary, complete with a live person under a sheet rolling around on the bed, scorpions in a drawer, live snakes in a very dirty toilet, and most terrifying of all, a picture of Britt. They escape the room at the last possible second with the password "Roses," (DUH) and we never find out who was in the sheet on that bed. My guess is Kupah. He just doesn't know when to quit.

They have a lovely evening portion of Date Night, where they open up to each other about family and emotions, and enter the hot tub for the first time this season. He obviously gets the Date Rose, and seems to be a real front runner for our fair Bachelorette.

The second Group Date this week goes to Jonathan, Ben H., Joshua, Ryan, Jared, and Tanner. They show up at an elementary school where they are instructed to teach young inquiring 10-12 year old American minds...about sexual education. Yes, you read that correctly. They must speak in proper anatomical terminology like "vagina," "butt," and "uterine lining" to describe a variety of subjects to a classroom of humans who aren't old enough to see a PG-13 movie by themselves. Kaitlyn admits to us that they are all child actors and she is pranking the guys, but I missed the part where she explains this to them. What a fun prank!

Some are more successful than others, with Joshua the Welder having the most difficult job, as he has been given the topic of "Female Menstruation." I won't go into detail, but let's just say that apparently us ladies are controlling our monthly flow with "little torpedoes." Ben H. wins this part of the date, and they proceed to the evening portion, where she kisses Ben H. AND Jared, but sends Ben H. home with the Date Rose.

Back at the ranch, Clint and JJ are spending essentially every single waking hour together. You know, doing bro stuff, like sitting thisclose to each other shirtless on an empty couch, bonding over their love of turtles ("Turtles are AWESOME!"), and playing songs for each other on the guitar. Clint professes his love for JJ to the camera, we think, though it's honestly all quite awkward and seems staged and edited. I mean, if Clint and JJ find love with each other, all power to them. But if we are being manipulated as an audience as a whole, I say NAY to that, ABC. NOT COOL.

It's Cocktail Party time! Clint immediately steals Kaitlyn to ensure that he gets a rose, not because he likes her so much, but because he wants to stay longer to hang out with JJ. She falls for his charms for the moment and kisses him, and his position in the house seems safe. Clint and JJ spend more bro time, and also coin the greatest phrase uttered on THE BACHELORETTE since Kasey's whole "guard and protect your heart" spiel on Ali's season (remember him alone on a glacier??? Man, that was COLD.): "Villains gotta vill." Does it make actual sense? No. Is it awesome? Yeah. It is.

The rest of the guys in the house are on to Clint and JJ, and don't waste any time informing Kaitlyn of exactly who is here for the Wrong Reasons. She takes Clint aside, and things don't look good for him as they sit in front of the fire and she declares, "He is going down in flames." Clint's shirt does indeed catch on fire, and the episode ends with him melting into a pile of plastic hair and old tattoo ink.

JUST KIDDING! No Rose Ceremony for us tonight, we have to wait until next week again. It seems that Kaitlyn gets to the bottom of the Clint/JJ story, and our old friend Nick Viall finally shows up to steal Kaitlyn away from the men! Will she send Clint home? Will I ever be able to tell the difference between Cory, Tanner and Bobby? Is there even a Bobby on this show? Tune in next week to find out! And get me some f*cking potato chips.

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Photo Credit: ABC and Patti's Google Search History

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