BWW Recap: Murin, Schumer, THE BACHELORETTE; What More do you Want?

And it's officially Week Two of The Search For Someone to Spend the Next Three to Six Months With But If You Last Longer Then You Have to Get Married On TV For Millions of Dollars Because You Quit Your Job to Go On The Bachelorette! I raise my glass of some sort of yummy Greek white wine to all of you for watching, or just reading this recap in lieu of watching. It takes a village, people!

We open with Chris Harrison sitting down with our newly crowned Bachelorette for the season, Kaitlyn. He immediately brings up the fact that she kissed not one, but TWO guys last night at the cocktail party, the first in what I'm sure will be plenty of instances where we subtly slut shame the lady. The guys move into the mansion, toasting each other with a round of very manly mimosas.

But wait! Britt is still in her hotel room, crying and calling her mother for some support. Even though I never wanted Britt as The Bachelorette, I still feel bad that she had to go through the actual rejection of it all. But ho! Who knocketh upon the entryway? Why, it's Brady! The sensitive soul and suitor who leaveth Kaitlyn in pursuit of our faire princess, Britt. To be continuedeth....

Back at the mansion, the remaining men gather to hear who will be going on the very first date of the season, which turns out to be a Group Date. Daniel, Justin, Jared, Corey, Tanner, Kupah, Ben H., and Ben Z. are the lucky winners, and they head off in their limo to...

...an abandoned warehouse where they are forced to fight to the death tournament style for Kaitlyn's love and affection! No, just kidding, they're at a boxing gym. Laila Ali shows up to kick their collective asses and teach them some basic boxing moves, because guess what? Now they have to fight to the death tournament style for Kaitlyn's love and affection! Bring on the testosterone soaked dude bros! No, nothing could possibly go wrong.

As I literally can't tell the majority of these guys apart, I'll sum it up by saying that some guys fight some other guys, all landing serious punches along the way, until the final two standing are Jared and Ben Z. (who I've rechristened Benzee cause that's fun). Jared is a sensible 50 pounds lighter than Benzee, but makes sure Benzee knows that he does NOT want special treatment. Bet he regrets that about 3 minutes later, when he's clinging to the ropes for support after Benzee pops him straight in the nose. Jared is rushed to the hospital with a concussion, and the rest of the fellas head off to the evening portion of the date. I love love!

Kaitlyn quickly bonds with Benzee over family and cooking. The sad music plays, and we find out that his mom passed away when he was only fourteen, so he was forced to grow up rather quickly. Kaitlyn makes the rounds with the other guys, LITERALLY none of which I can actually identify. Did you know there's a guy named Daniel on this date?? One guy looks like Ed Norton now that his face has been smashed in, and another I've nicknamed Black Eye. Though I think that may be three different guys.

In any case, Kaitlyn receives a mysterious note while she's talking to Loafers and White Pants, and she runs outside to find...Jared! He swears that he is feeling fine, but the doctor is forcing him to go home and rest that concussed head of his. He gets back in his limo, but not before kissing Kaitlyn!

Official Kiss Count: 3 Men (this is not slut shaming, it's STATISTICS).

Back inside, Kaitlyn gives the Date Rose to Benzee and kisses him as I throw up my hands in frustration because all of these men are the same person.

Official Kiss Count: 4 Men.

It's One on One Date time!!! Clint of the "Chris Harrison Riding a Triceratops While Holding A Rose" art project is the recipient, and they are off! They drive to a backyard pool where they are going to have underwater photos taken by a woman named Gisele who has crowned herself a "Conceptual Underwater Photographer," because Los Angeles. They change into fancy clothes and embark on what actually turns out to be a pretty cool activity. The pictures come out beautifully, and Clint should literally spend his entire life underwater because he is 100% more attractive that way. They end up kissing underwater, out of the water, and on the rooftop where they eat dinner later that night. In all, it's a pretty uneventful date as they clearly have chemistry, and she gives him the Date Rose as they kiss under the night smog.

Back at home, it's another Group Date Card! This time, Kaitlyn is asking JJ the Former Investment Banker (but what do you do now, JJ?), Jonathan, Joshua the Dreamy Welder, Chris "Cupcake" Dentist, Ian, Joe, and Tony the Healer to be "a guy who will stand up for me," which our resident geniuses instantly decode to mean: Standup Comedy Time! They head to the theatre and walk in to find...

...AMY SCHUMER! The Queen of Comedy and everything else in the whole wide world. She brings out fellow comedians Nikki Glaser, Rachel Feinstein and Bridget Everett to coach the guys, who are being forced to come up with their own sets to present to the crowd later that day. (Note: HUGE props to the show for bringing all of these strong, talented women on the show. It verges on beginning to make up for forcing those two poor girls to duke it out to actually be the Bachelorette.)

JJ comes on strong in his tutoring session with Amy Schumer, and not just because his jacket is crazy shiny. He utters such gems as, "My pickup line is, 'Hi, I'm JJ and I'm divorced with a kid and I live with my parents,'" and, "I'm too smart for 90% of the audience." Amy sums it up better than I ever could when she says, "JJ is a sweetheart! He's just missing charisma, humility and a sense of humor." Can we have Amy on every show? Or better yet, AMY SCHUMER FOR BACHELORETTE!

The show begins, and most of the guys avoid making total fools of themselves, with Chris the Dentist getting extra points for doing a funny set on how unfunny he is. Tony the Healer is the only obvious bomb, as the audience begins laughing at him as soon as he starts talking because they think he's kidding. But no, that's just Tony being his normal earth-loving self, talking about connections and paths and experiences and crap. Everyone breathes a collective sigh of relief as they proceed on to the evening portion of the date, where Joshua the Hot Welder steals Kaitlyn and is instantly demoted to just Joshua the Welder when he admits he's never been in love before, and uses the words "fart" and "poop" within thirty seconds. Keep the magic alive, Joshua!

Kaitlyn gets thoroughly confused by Tony talking about combination locks and training before sitting down with JJ and having a lovely moment that, shockingly, ends in a kiss.

OKC: 5 Men.

Then Joe takes Kaitlyn outside and kisses her.

OKC: 6 Men.

Kaitlyn gives the Date Rose to JJ, and everyone goes home with chapped lips.

Cocktail party time! Much to the guys' frustration, JJ immediately steals Kaitlyn, even though he already has a rose. Kaitlyn then talks to Ian, and he tells her the miraculous story of his recovery from a near fatal car accident that ruined his running career in college. She is so inspired by his story that she (wait for it) KISSES HIM!

OKC: 7 Men.

JJ takes this opportunity to poke some fun at Tony the Healer, who is confused by the negative aura surrounding him and runs away to hug some bushes. Kupah sits down with Kaitlyn and they have a rather serious discussion about their missed opportunity on the boxing date. He also questions Kaitlyn about the possibility that she may be keeping him there because "he looks good in the lineup," i.e. because he is black. She is obviously ready to send him home, but he backtracks enough for her to reconsider. Unfortunately for Kupah, she can hear everything he then proceeds to say to the guys after, and she immediately sends him home. Props to him for fighting for her, but saying "I think you're hot" will most likely not be the key to your future wife's heart.

We close on Kupah throwing a tantrum in the driveway of THE BACHELOR mansion as the credits flash TO BE CONTINUED....

BUT HALT! What news arrives from faraway lands of Britt and Brady? Their love hath blossomed in just seven days time, and Brady hath proposed that Britt be his lady in an official capacity! Which is proof that the pretty girl really does always win. Ugh, gag me.

See you next week!

Photo Credit: ABC | Matt Petit and Rick Rowell

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