BWW Recap: Coulson Flies Coach as Villain Comes to AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

We begin with a flashback to Austria 1945. Agents of Hydra have retrieved some shiny trapezoid that the German commander says rather sinisterly, "may hold zee answer to death itself."

But before Hydra can make off with the alien artifact, Agent Carter (Hayley Atwell) and the Howling Commandos, including Dum Dum Dugan (Neal McDonough) and Jim Morita (Kenneth Choi), nab the device for the Strategic Scientific Reserve. Carter is a cool cucumber and explains the mission succinctly: "All we can do is box it up, lock it up and dedicate ourselves to making sure it never sees the light of day."

The last shot is on a box marked S.S.R. Item #084. This isn't "Let's Make a Deal," so you can bet the box doesn't contain a year's supply of Rice-a-Roni.

It's all essentially a teaser for MARVEL'S AGENT CARTER that debuts midseason and weds the two series (CARTER takes over the time slot when MARVEL'S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. goes on winter hiatus).

We flash forward to Alexandria, VA and present day. Skye (Chloe Bennet) doing her best MISSION IMPOSSIBLE as she repels into a warehouse where a deal to sell S.S.R. Item #084 (or in the very least, intelligence on good old #084) is in the works. It is our first glimpse of Isabelle Hartley (Lucy Lawless). There's the usual metal briefcase filled with money.

The U.S. government is in possession of all of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s assets, including #084. Before we can learn more, the group is ambushed by this week's bad guy (Brian Patrick Wade). Despite unloading several rounds of ammo into him, he makes off with the Intel.

Back in S.H.I.E.L.D.'s temporary hideout (code name "the playground," but I don't see any monkey bars, much less a slide), May (Ming-Na Wen) is summoned up to the director's office for a one-on-one with Director Coulson (Clark Gregg). This does not make May popular with the other agents and she's starting out Season Two as the underdog for Miss Congeniality.

Despite the current high unemployment, Coulson laments to May about how poorly the S.H.I.E.L.D.2014 recruitment drive is going. He's traveling all over the world to scout out potential agents. It's tiring and, "Flying economy blows," he says.

Back with this week's Hydra bad guy assassin, he uploads the Intel he stole to Hydra's version of the iCloud and, as a form of payment, is given a rare diamond. He grips the diamond in his hand, which immediately takes on the characteristics of the diamond. Holy mutant!

Back in the lab, Fitz (Iain De Caestecker) and Simmons (Elizabeth Henstridge) are bickering like a married couple as usual. Fitz has some residual brain damage from being oxygen-deprived, and has to occasionally have Simmons remind him of big words like "fluctuating."

DNA from the slug Skye retrieved from this week's bad guy is identified. No-named bad guy gets a major upgrade. His name is Carl Creel, better known as the super villain Absorbing Man. The sound of thousands of fan boys high-fiving can be heard around the country.

Skye is given her next assignment by Coulson. He's sending her down into Vault D, because she's the only one he can send. She descends the stairs into Vault D and we discover its contents: turncoat Agent Ward (Brett Dalton). She sits opposite his cell in a chair. It's all very "Silence of the Lamb," just without the fava beans.

He reveals that he tried to commit suicide by various means, including running into walls. Skye's reaction: "You should have run faster."

Ward does have some decent information, though. Creel can absorb any substance and actually become that substance and that Hydra is communicating in between the white noise on S.H.I.E.L.D.'s radio channels.

Meanwhile, back in Washington D.C., Brigadier General Glenn Talbot (Adrian Pasdar) has taken a momentary break from hunting down S.H.I.E.L.D. to enjoy some time with his family. A cell phone in his pocket rings, but it isn't his phone. He tells his wife to take their son and go to the car. Coulson's on the line to warn him. Absorbing Man is already there.

And so is Agent May with some martial arts moves (which aren't very effective) and Skye with a gun that shoots tasers (somewhat more effective).

Talbot is escorted into a black SUV with May inside.

Back at the Playground, Coulson tries to buddy up to Talbot. "Kidnapping me and tying me up in your honeycomb kill room is not helping your case," Talbot says. Can't really argue with that logic.

Coulson tells him Creel was going to use Talbot's family as leverage to learn where the military is storing S.H.I.E.L.D.'s artifacts. And now, the military is keeping Creel a prisoner in the very place he was trying to get into in the first place. Military intelligence is an oxymoron, am I right, Coulson?

Ocean's 11 Coulson's Agents break into the military base. Hartley is the lone voice of dissent questioning the wisdom of sending the rest of the S.H.I.E.L.D. team into a a hostile military base.

Her apprehension is well served. She comes up against Creel and, in an attempt to even the odds, picks up the strange object of the beginning of the show. Her hand turns a bluish gray. She can't put the object down. Creel flees.

Hartley and her band of mercenaries are not far behind. As they flee in an SUV, Hartley tells Lance Hunter (Nick Blood) to cut her hand off.

SPOILER: Fitz isn't the same and hasn't been since Simmons left. .He's been talking to himself, but seeing Simmons there.

Creel stops Hartley and crew by becoming one with the road. The SUV turns over. Hunter appears to be the only one left alive (Lawless' appearance appears to be short lived). Creel picks up the alien device.

Final reveal is the Hydra officer from the first scene who is clearly in possession of some super alien moisturizer as he hasn't aged a day. He's told that Creel is in possession of the device.

And with that, the first episode of Season Two comes to a close. The show added a super villain (yeah), Fitz went THE SIXTH SENSE on us and Hartley gave it her all and still came up empty handed.

Check out a sneak peek at next week's episode below:

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