BWW Blog: Kathryn Mowat Murphy - Stress Week!

Hi all,

Stress week! ...taxes, rent , finish choreography, bills, general worries, body aches, bills, teaching classes, Anyone else have this as a big scrolling marquee in their heads. I am sure you do, and I bet you all handle it like troupers; me, not so much. I'm trying my best just to breathe. I have been on the verge of tears for the past two weeks, and I am wondering if the bigwigs in the business always have this level of stress. If so, I would love to know how they handle it. Is there some type of night course for this?

I went into the studio by myself to play before our scheduled rehearsal. I wanted to make sure that I was happy with everything I had choreographed before I bought in a fellow choreographer to view. I JUST SAT THERE!!!!! I realized I could have done this at home and not wasted money on the rental. While sitting there thinking this, I forced myself to stand up and dance. I managed to get through everything, and eventually had a very clear view of what I needed to work on. The friend I had coming in to help was someone I'd known and worked with for years. We had been in some wonderful Broadway shows together, and he was my partner in a pre Broadway workshop. He's a wonderful talent who has now moved on to be an up and coming sort-afterchoreographer. His superb partnering skills were why I had asked him to come in. Now for the lesson of the week for me...You should NOT be in the work you are choreographing!!

We went through the piece, and half way in I realized there were moments where the men were just standing with nothing to do. I had been too busy being a dancer and not spending enough time being a choreographer. I knew what I was doing, but the guys were just standing there with egg on their faces.

This was the beginning of my downward spiral. I could hear my inner voice screaming at me: YOU HAVE STILL SO MUCH TO DO!!!

We went through the points I had been having trouble with, and my friend was honest and said that a few of the moments were a little dance contest looking. I agreed, hence me writing last week that I was 'almost' happy with it.

This was why he was there--to be my eyes, because I had to be in it. I had an understudy, but I had not utilized her as I should have. My fault entirely. It's ok. I am still learning how to do all this. Note to self: when you have a marvelous dancer in front of you, use her..

The realization that I would not be dancing in any of my future pieces was beginning to sink in, and also that the possibility of my dancing death could indeed be upon me. I'm sure you have heard of the two deaths for dancers: one being the end of your professional career and the other being, well, you know. As I pondered this thought, I slowly started to panic about everything; random thoughts flashed in my head: this piece sucks, my dancing sucks, my career could be over, is it over?, my cat, the rain, I don't have an umbrella, Did I just pull my calf? Do I smell? What are they whispering about? What time is it? When you panic, crazy thoughts flood your mind. We continued fixing the hand grips and POVs of the lifts, I wondered about the value of everything I had choreographed. I could feel myself falling apart inside. No one in the rehearsal seemed to notice, and I was thankful for having enough experience to know how to look like I was keeping it together. I was the boss. I couldn't lose it! Just keep going. My dancers were full out and giving me tips on the lifts--everyone was talking to me. The voices started overlapping, my head started spinning, and I felt like I was in a reality episode of intervention, I was being told to do this, do that, and to keep my core strong. What? Keep my core strong? I know how to keep my core strong! I have a fitness brand for goodness sakes.

I felt like I had never danced a step in my life, let alone been lifted, and here I was trying to choreograph. What the hell was I thinking!

I stood there and, somehow in my panic, I had a moment of clarity! Something or someone came to me and whispered in my ear, "they are just trying to help you, stop being so insecure and make the decisions."

We are so insecure most of the time, and when we are in the middle of a circle and everyone is trying to help us we can feel attacked. The reality is that our friends love us and only want what's best.

You may have always known this, but it has taken me some time to understand this.
In my past, I have had some trust issues and I AM a control freak, so when I am put into a position of having to rely on other people I feel vulnerable and out of control. I have to keep reminding myself that I would do anything for my friends and bosses, so why not accept the same from them.

So far this experience has been invaluable to me. Many lessons learned in such a short time. I hope my sharing of this may help some of you out there.

The outcome of the past rehearsal will be seen this week. My goals are to apply the advice given to me by my friend and my dancers, and have the piece fully finished so we can just clean and run it.

I have one more viewing by a teacher whom I adore and respect. I'm a little nervous yet excited to show him.

We have three more rehearsals, and then we go into tech and performance. TECH!!!!! LIGHTING AND AWAY FROM THE MIRROR!!!! Another element I have yet to ponder. Bring it.
More to come.

Photo Credit: Bree Moon

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