Quotables from NBC's LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON Week of 12/3

Below, check out some hilarious quotables from NBC's LATE NIGHT WITH Jimmy Fallon for the week of DECEMBER 3 - DECEMBER 7:

After weeks of rumors, today it was confirmed that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their first baby. You can tell the baby’s a member of the royal family, cuz Kate said she can already feel it waving.

Hey, speaking of babies, a new survey found that “Sophia” and “Aiden” were the most popular baby names this year. The least popular baby name was Kim Jong Sandusky. (Only three babies got that name this year.)

I’m so excited, you guys! We have the Dave Matthews Band on the show tonight! Yeah, tonight they’re gonna be performing a song from their new album… and then tomorrow, they’ll finish performing it.

Here’s some political news. While he was in Pennsylvania on Friday, President Obama said that he’s been keeping his own “naughty and nice list” of lawmakers. Then Biden was like, “Great – now I gotta worry about his list AND Santa’s?”

This isn’t good. Friends of Mitt Romney are saying that he’s bored now that he’s no longer running for president. Though not as bored as the rest of us were when he was running for president.

Oh man, did you guys see the Jets game yesterday? It was going so bad, the Jets replaced Mark Sanchez with third-string quarterback Greg McElroy, who then led the team to its fifth win. It was a little awkward – when Sanchez sat on the bench, Tim Tebow was like, “Uh, that’s my seat.”

Speaking of sports. Some new pictures of Derek Jeter were taken last week, and it looks like he’s gained some weight while recovering from a broken left ankle. It’s not a flattering pic – in fact, this weekend female Yankee fans were actually fantasizing about their own husbands.

Hey, today marks the 20th anniversary of the text message. Yeah,it's weird to think that just 21 years ago, I had to CALL my friends to say, “Laughing Out Loud.”

And finally, more than a year after calling off their first wedding, Hugh Hefner and his former fiancée Crystal Harris are apparently planning to get married on New Year’s Eve. So I guess this year she’ll get to see three balls drop.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Here’s what people are talking about. Pope Benedict officially joined Twitter yesterday, and before sending a single tweet, he already had more than 250,000 followers. Then Jesus was like, “Seriously? I walked on water and I only got 12 followers!”

Here’s some political news. Yesterday, President Obama spent an hour on Twitter taking questions about the fiscal cliff from ordinary Americans. Which explains the top question about the fiscal cliff, “Can we eat it?”

Get this. Earlier today, Mitt Romney was spotted on a Costco shopping spree. That’s right, Romney ended up buying fourteen Costcos.

Listen to this. Applebee’s is opening a “green” restaurant in New York that will have waterless urinals, a wall made of plants, and rooftop rainwater harvesting. All of which will be underneath a giant, million-watt neon sign that says “Applebee’s.”

Check this out. Jets coach Rex Ryan says he needs more time to decide who his starting quarterback will be next week. You can tell things are bad cuz right now it’s between his third string quarterback or whoever wins “The Voice.”

Did you see this? At Justin Bieber’s concert in New York last week, a fan threw her phone on stage and Bieber took several pictures of himself with it. In a related story, Justin Bieber is in critical condition after getting hit with another six thousand cell phones.

And finally, Facebook has announced that it will not be developing any of its own games and will continue to rely on outside companies. Though Facebook can still take credit for that one popular game: “Guess who got fat since high school.”

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here’s what people are talking about! Big news guys – McDonald’s just announced that it’s bringing back the McRib later this month! Or as the Mayans put it, “Hey, we tried to warn ya!”

This is exciting. Barbara Walters has released part of her “Most Fascinating People” list, and this year Hillary Clinton and Honey Boo Boo are both on it. That’s right, the woman who may soon be president—AND Hillary Clinton.

Here’s a local story. Yesterday, Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that New York will hold a contest to redesign the city’s payphones. Yeah, the top prize: a brand new Walkman!

This is kinda scary. Anderson Cooper said that while filming a segment for “60 Minutes,” he got a sunburn on his eyeballs and was temporarily blind. Either that or Anderson Cooper is terrible at faking a sick day. “Uhh, yeah, I got uh…sunburn…on my eyeballs? Anyway, can’t come in.”

Last night was the big Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show over at CBS. Or as husbands call it "Oh, hey honey! I was just looking for the Lifetime Channel!"

Some more TV news. Disney just lost its case against the company that produces "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.” Yeah, even more embarrassing, they lost it on the easiest question.

Get this, you guys. In a new interview, Mike Tyson says that in 1988 he found Brad Pitt in bed with his ex-wife, Robin Givens. Of course, Pitt has evidence to refute that: the fact that he still has both ears.

And finally, Pizza Hut in Canada is releasing 100 bottles of a limited edition Pizza Hut perfume. Yeah, it’s the perfect way to tell that special someone in your life, (WHISPER) “I’m probably high right now!".

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Here’s what people are talking about. The officiAl White House Christmas Card just went out, and it’s signed by all the members of the First Family, and also by Bo the dog. Though I thought it was odd he added the line, “Humps and kisses.”

Speaking of Obama. Forbes has just ranked the president as the world’s most powerful person. In response, Obama issued this statement: “Suck it, Bieber.”

Did you see this? While announcing this year’s Grammy Nominees, Taylor Swift actually did a little beat boxing last night. I don't want to say it was awkward, but people were like, "Hey - is Kanye West around??"

Actually, last night, the band “fun” received Grammy nominations in the top three categories. Yeah, but coming up empty again this year: the band "work."

I can’t believe this. The New Orleans Hornets are reportedly changing their name to the Pelicans, though they also considered calling themselves “the Brass.” Yeah, even celebrity babies are like, “These are AWFUL names.”

Speaking of the NBA. As part of the team's rookie hazing, Cleveland Cavaliers coach ByRon Scott recently presented each of his first-year players with a pink stroller and a baby doll. Cuz if there's one thing NBA players love, it's being surprised with a baby.

Listen to this. The Pentagon is preparing for massive budget cuts in the event that the country does go over the fiscal cliff. Yeah, you can tell the Pentagon is scaling back, cuz today it became “the Triangle.”

And finally, an entrepreneur in Colorado has created ice cream that’s infused with marijuana. Which is why when you go to put in the freezer, it’s like, “I’m already chill, man.”

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Hey, here’s some good news you guys - the U.S. unemployment rate is now the lowest it’s been in four years. Or as makers of sweat pants put it, “Uh-ohh.”

I just read that there are now 20 million people in America who do yoga. None of whom ever shut up about the fact that they do yoga.

Here’s some news out of Washington. House Speaker John Boehner says that his efforts to work with President Obama on the fiscal cliff have resulted in a lot of talk but “no action.” Yeah, a lot of talk but no action - or as I called that in college, “a date.”

Here’s a crazy story. A man in Los Angeles just found $175,000 worth of marijuana buried in his backyard. Then his dog was like, “Hope he doesn’t find my bong!”

Check this out. Several airlines in the U.S. will introduce beds on domestic flights that lie completely flat. Yeah, it’ll be weird when flight attendants are like, “Folks, the captain has turned on the BOOM-CHIKA-WOW-WOW sign.”

And finally, later this month, a TV show called “The United States of Bacon” is scheduled to premiere. Or as Chris Christie put it, “Do they need a president?”

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