NBC Presents Quotables from LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON

Below, check out quotables from NBC's "LATE NIGHT WITH Jimmy Fallon" for the week of March 18 - 22:

It's the day after St. Patrick's Day! So if you're just waking up now, sorry, but I DON'T know whose apartment you're in.

You guys March Madness is heating up. The bracket for this year's NCAA tournament was revealed last night, and experts say that 30 teams have a chance of reaching the Final Four. Yeah, fans might have to just make a random pick and hope it works out - or as Republicans put it, "Been there."

Some more political news. Tomorrow, President Obama will visit Israel for the first time since taking office. You can tell he's trying to impress them because he was like, "Call me Barackcchhh."

Yeah, the guy who plays Satan on "The Bible" looks like President Obama. Even Rush Limbaugh was outraged - he was like, "How can you do that to Satan??"

Speaking of Biden, today he and President Obama were both out of the country at the same time for an hour and 20 minutes. On the bright side, Sasha and Malia managed to talk Republicans into a budget deal.

Hey, today was the last full day of winter! Which means I still have a little more time to take down my Christmas lights before it gets weird.

Here's some celebrity news. Tiger Woods and professional skier Lindsey Vonn confirmed on Facebook that they are dating. Things are moving pretty quickly - just today, he took her home to meet his other girlfriends. (Isn't that sweet?)

Listen to this. Today, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced that he supports a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as illegal immigrants put it, "Who do you think is gonna build that path?"

I read that a growing number of Americans are trying to make their retirement savings stretch into their 90s. Not to be confused with that other thing that stretches in your 90's: elbow skin.

Get this. Kate Middleton has revealed that she wants to have a boy, but Prince William is hoping for a girl. However, they both agree that no matter what gender it is, its nanny will love it just the same.

And finally, I saw that Burger King is now offering a turkey burger on its menu. Or as horses put it, "Nope, still us."

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Of course, you guys probably saw the story that came out today, which says that I'll be moving up to replace Jay Leno at 11:30. Or as my parents call it, "still too late."

Actually the rumors are true. NBC is turning the Tonight Show into a diving competition.

Did you guys hear about this diving show "Splash?" Last night, nine million people watched the premiere of the ABC show "Splash," where celebrities including Louie Anderson dive off a platform 20 feet in the air. Nine million. Which is also the number of people who got splashed when Louie Anderson jumped in the pool.

Check this out. Simon Cowell is launching a Youtube audition channel where people can upload videos of themselves doing anything. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that channel already exists - it's called "YouTube."

Get this. A man in the UK is making news for getting his car to run on coffee. That's a good idea - as if gas prices aren't high enough, let's add Starbucks to the equation. (Makes sense)

Did you see this? Today, President Obama filled out his NCAA tournament bracket, and he picked Florida, Indiana, Louisville and Ohio State to go to the Final Four. Man, crazy that it's been four months since the election and he still needs Florida and Ohio to win.

And this isn't good. During his visit to Israel today, President Obama's limousine broke after it was mistakenly filled up with the wrong fuel. Or as Obama put it, "Who the hell filled this thing up with coffee?"

Here's some business news. The new owner of Hostess is hoping to have Twinkies back on shelves by the summer. Or as store owners put it, "Great! Just put 'em behind the old Twinkies!"

And finally, yesterday, a NASA official told Congress that if a meteor was on track to strike the U.S., Americans should pray. Even Pope Francis was like, "That's your Plan A?"

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. There are a lot of rumors going around that Adele and her boyfriend are planning to get married soon. It's supposed to be a great reception - in fact, I heard Adele's already working on a sad version of the Chicken Dance.

Here's a major sports story. After their comeback over Cleveland last night, the Miami Heat have won an incredible 24 games in a row. Man, it's been so long since the Heat lost, the last time it happened, I had to page my friend on his beeper to tell him about it.

The last time the Heat lost, "Honey Boo-Boo" was just what I said to my wife when I got a paper cut.

Yeah, the last time the Heat lost, Conan O'Brien was the host of the Tonight Show.

Some political news. Today, Republican Senator Saxby Chambliss said he doesn't support gay marriage because he's not gay. Which would be pretty believable if his name didn't sound like a brand of pink champagne. (Pop open a bottle of Saxby Chom-blay)

Speaking of the GOP. This week, the Republican National Committee announced that it will spend ten million dollars to reach out to Hispanic, Asian, and African-American voters. You know, to ask them not to vote.

I heard that Producers of "The Amazing Spider-Man 2" have changed their filming schedule in Brooklyn to accommodate the Jewish holiday of Passover. Which explains the movie's new title, "The Adventures of Saul Spidermen."

Get this. Scientists in the UK have named a species of dinosaur after the 5-year-old girl who discovered its fossils. Which will get really weird when everyone in the next "Jurassic Park" movie has to run away from "Emily."

I read that Starbucks recently bought a 600-acre coffee farm in Costa Rica. They're not gonna grow coffee there, they just need a place to stash all the unpurchased Sarah McLachlan CD's.

And finally, you guys. FOX is coming out with a new miniseries about the O.J. Simpson trial. Yeah, it should be pretty entertaining for people who don't know the full details of the case - you know, like the jury.

Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Some big March Madness news. There was a huge upset last night when number 14-seeded Harvard beat number 3 New Mexico. Analysts were like, "Do you know the chances of that happening??" Then the Harvard team said, "12.6 percent."

Yeah, usually when you hear "Harvard students" and "upset" it's cuz someone ended a sentence with a preposition.

Here's a local story. New York City has announced plans to install touch-screen maps in 77 subway stations. Really? I wash my hands twice after just looking at one of their maps.

So if you wondered what it would be like if the iPhone and the flu had a giant baby, check out the new touch-screen subway maps.

Did you hear about this? A man in Kentucky was banned from saying the word "bingo" for six months after he yelled it out during a Bingo game even though he didn't win. Or as the dog on his farm put it, "That guy never talks to me anymore. That's my name-o."

This is crazy. A man in Arkansas confessed that he had a friend pretend to attack him during a date so that he could impress the girl he was with. She could tell something was up when the mugger was like, "Give me all your money, Steve! I mean, guy I don't know!"

Get this. A company in North Carolina is selling a 60-dollar IQ test that people can give their dogs. Though if you spend 60 bucks on a dog IQ test, maybe YOU should take that IQ test.

There's no way I'd make my dog take an IQ test - I mean, she's already busy enough doing my taxes.

And finally, Jon Bon Jovi is selling his New York City apartment for 42 million dollars. To show you how much money that is, if Tommy keeps working on the docks and Gina works the diner all day, they could buy that apartment in 5,000 years.

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