THE USHER CHRONICLES: Mind Your Manners! (Part One)

The first set of questions I asked local ushers on my questionnaire had to do with theatre etiquette. 100% of the respondents marked "TRUE" to this statement: "Most patrons behave well while they are in the theatre." And nearly 100% of them added comments like: "Some people think they are at home watching TV." "It is the 2% of rude patrons that spoil it for everyone else." And my personal favorite, "It's like their mothers didn't teach them any manners!" I'm pretty sure each of us who go to the theatre have seen, been near or even complained once or twice about a fellow patron who just couldn't keep his mouth shut, or who drank too much, or couldn't keep her children in their seats. And just maybe, we might have been the one to cause a little trouble. I'll be the first to admit it! My friends know that when something impresses me, I can be pretty vocal. And though my intentions are surely good ones, verbalizing my joy has lead to more than a few hard stares and "shhs". So, I guess we all need to take the rest of this column with a grain of salt, and with the sense of humor/slight nudge of reminding all of us how to act in public with which it is intended. So, what I have now, for your consideration, are rules 10 – 6 of theatre behavior of which the ushers would like to remind you, from kind reminder to a kick in the head!

10. Please keep your tickets handy at all times. 2.8% of ushers offered this kind reminder.

WHY? There are many good reasons to have your tickets with you at all times, no matter how frequently you attend the same theatre. First of all, it is concrete proof that you belong there. In this day and age of tighter security, it is the theatre equivalent of having an ID badge at work. It also helps the ushers point you in the right direction, and makes verifying that you are in the right place much easier. You are probably thinking: "But I know where I'm going." And I agree – you probably do. But remember the ID badge at work analogy? You wear those to work every day and you go to work that way more than you come to the show. The ushers, house managers and other theatre staff, like your bosses, know what is going on "behind the scenes", and you don't – things like duplicate tickets are issued, or scalpers have made a bunch of tickets that look just like the one you are holding, or even something as simple as seating patterns have changed. Remember, when some one asks to see your ticket, it is likely for a good reason. In this time when everyone is sensitive to being treated fairly, it is better to ask every patron to see their tickets, than singling out a few. And the bottom line is, at any time you may be required to show it for any reason – no ticket could mean removal.

HELPFUL HINTS: Have your tickets ready when you get to the door. Also, make sure everyone in your party has a ticket WITH THEM – each patron needs one. And have them in a handy pocket (not your wallet or purse) for the remainder of your stay – each of you, individually. Don't let one person hold all of the tickets.

ONE USHER SAYS: "Tickets are your passport to the theatre. They are scanned (or torn) to get you in the door, but also help you go to the right door once the house is open. And you need it with you if you step outside during intermission in order to get back in. When there is a seating problem in your row, the usher will need to see that you are in the seat you purchased."

9. Please wear proper attire. 3% of ushers offered this gentle reminder.

WHY? Well, there seems to be 2 schools of thought on this one. Old school: You simply dress for the theatre. You go to see and be seen. I remember begging my grandmother to let me go to the show without a tie on. Those pleas fell on deaf ears. Still today, people of all generations enjoy the prestige of being able to attend live theatre, and dress accordingly. New school: During personal recreation time, one should be allowed to be as comfortable as one wants. The idea here is, for what we pay for tickets, we should at least be able to be comfortable. Some of the more seasoned ushers think this may have to do with the recent student rush policy, where you wear clothing appropriate to stand outside for hours in line, and come to the theatre at the last minute. Those of you like that are affectionately thought of as having succumbed to the "RENT Effect." Perhaps the best compromise is this (unless it is a formal occasion like a benefit performance or the like): If what you are wearing shows the same amount of skin as a bathing suit or what you are wearing hinders other patrons, don't wear it. For example, a bikini top (seen at a recent early spring performance at a local college) and shorts aren't really appropriate. No one is passing around the Hawaiian Tropic, and the show is really on the stage, not in the seats! Similarly, wearing a large hat or an overstuffed or ultra plush fur coat and refusing to take it off spoils the view for several people around you, and is, therefore, inappropriate. And, Baltimoreans, if your hairdo should be in the photos for the Hairspray program, sit in the back!

ONE USHER SAYS: "Our 'pet peeve' is the seeming disregard for proper dress for the theatre. Casual is fine, but some patrons come in dirty, ragged jeans and dirty tops. We realize that some people may have a limited wardrobe, but there is no excuse for being dirty, and the trend seems to be growing."

8. Please keep children under control. 6% of ushers offered this stern reminder.

WHY? Hmm… you'd think this would be a no-brainer, but you'd be surprised. While we are all thrilled that parents are bringing their children to live theatre again in droves, perhaps remembering this will clear up some confusion. First of all, a live theatre performance, say, of Beauty and the Beast, and even more so, The Lion King, is not the same thing as watching it at home on DVD. Mommy and Daddy aren't the only ones watching with you, and the rest of us don't think hearing screams of "Simba is ugly!" are as cute at $100 a ticket. And just because Disney's name is on it, doesn't make it kid-friendly. I know for a fact that every performance of Disney's The Lion King out of 120 at the Hippodrome had at least 3 parents pacing the lobby (and missing the entire show) because their kids were absolutely terrified of the life size animals and the supremely creepy hyenas. (And not a few grown-ups were also seen leaving the show pale from fear!) Live theatre is also not like going to see Disney on Ice or the Ringling Brothers Circus, where it is so loud no one can hear you and where cheering is encouraged. And Mommy and Daddy, we all understand little one's need to go potty three times an hour, but remember every time you get up, and every time you sit back down, you are blocking our view. Most live theatre runs 2 and a half hours, with only one short intermission, so if your kid can't sit still at home or church or school for a solid hour or more, wait until they are older. Until then, a DVD will do. I recommend the soon-to-be-released "High School Musical." Just like live theatre, but with a pause button!

HELPFUL HINT: Especially in a very crowded theatre, once you get through the door, pin your child's ticket to them, along with their name, age, address and phone number for contact. That way if they get lost, whoever finds them can find you even faster!

ONE USHER SAYS: "Adults need to keep children under control – children are making noise, climbing over railings, crawling on the floor, touching other patrons. Patrons sometimes bring babies or kids under the age of 5 to shows that are too complex to hold their attention. It is not fair to everyone around them!"

7. Please be quiet if you eat or drink during the show, and don't leave your trash behind. 5.7% of ushers offered this hands-on-hips reminder.

WHY? Another no-brainer! Think of going to the movies or the stadium and feeling your shoes nearly leave your feet as you tread that sticky floor. (I once lost a very expensive loafer just that way at the Broadhurst Theatre in New York!) And try though they might, a cleaning staff will likely miss that water bottle you wedged between the seats, but I guarantee you the next patron that uses that seat will find it. And it will hurt. You may be asking, then, why do the theatres sell refreshments and let you take them in? Well that is yet another no-brainer - $$$. While some local, smaller theatres like to say it is their way of being "less stuffy", a mess is still a mess, right? That odd feeling of something wet rolling under your seat is never fun, and totally distracting, whether you are at the Meyerhoff at a symphony or in some church basement at the Local Players production of Crimes of the Heart.

ECO-CONSCIOUS HINT: Recycle your unwanted program! That Playbill that you got from your usher, ever so useful during the show, is an actual hazard when left on the floor after you leave, so give it back to the usher. One usher reports having twisted her ankle on a slippery Playbill left on the carpeting on the aisle. She said it was like stepping on a loose roller-skate!

ONE USHER SAYS: "Even though most theatres allow it now, eating and drinking (especially with ice) should not be allowed. It was a BIG mistake to have relaxed that rule!"

6. Please unwrap everything you are eating before the show starts. 14% of ushers offered this wag-a-finger-in-your-face reminder.

WHY? Well, this one kinda goes with number 7. But wrapper noise is a different thing than the smells and textures food leaves behind. Wrapper noise bothers everyone around you, and inevitably you are going to want to cough during the quietest moments of the play. So, how do you solve this problem? If you are thinking you'll likely have a coughing fit enough to pack cough drops, then think enough to unwrap them and put them in a baggie before you leave home! And if you are at the theatre and just have to have that bag of chips or M & Ms while you watch Romeo and Juliet commit suicide, open the bag BEFORE you enter the theatre. Let them die in peace, ok?

Sub-rule: If your drink has ice, don't swirl it around or toss back a few cubes during the show! And for pity's sake, don't suck the straw so loudly at the end of your Pepsi!

Next week: The top 5 rules to remember for theatre behavior. And please feel free to send me your comments at: jameshoward@broadwayworld.com. I look forward to your stories, arguments and support. If it is good enough (even if we don't agree) I'll add your two cents in, too! Thanks for reading!

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