The Broadway Fake Book: 'Big River' Cast Members to Host 2005 Academy Awards

At a breakfast press conference held this morning at Angus McIndoe, Charles Donnelly, Executive Producer of the 2005 Oscars Telecast, announced that the co-hosts of the 77th Annual Academy Awards will be Tyrone Giordano, Dan Jenkins and Michael McElroy, three stars from the Deaf West Theatre production of Big River, which was presented on Broadway by the Roundabout earlier this season and was recently denied a live spot in the upcoming Tony Awards ceremony, despite being nominated as Best Revival of a Musical.

"Extensive studies made by the academy show there is a small percentage of Americans who rarely go to the movies.", explained Donnelly, who was joined by the three Big River stars. "It seems this tiny faction consists of those who prefer to attend Broadway theatre, often spending ten times as much money for the price of a ticket. We in the film industry are making every effort to attract this audience and turn them into movie-goers. In recent years we've been encouraging our Hollywood stars to fill in their time between projects by doing Broadway plays, hoping that once theatre-goers see these actors live they'll be encourage to see their films. But of course that plan backfired when we discovered that most of our biggest stars can't act. We then decided to go ahead with a big film version of that Chicago musical, being very careful to cast Hollywood stars instead of people who can actually sing and dance without the help of modern technology. But all those theatre types cared about was that we cut some song they all thought was so important. Even though we did add a perfectly good new song for them to faintly hear in the distance as they're leaving the theatre during the closing credits. Finally we've hit on an idea that we think will work. We're simply going to load up the 2005 Oscars with hosts, presenters and performers who work regularly in live theatre. We feel that's our best chance to attract the theatre-going audience and to introduce them to the magic of the movies."

"This is a great honor for me to be invited to co-host such a prestigious ceremony.", said Giordano in American sign language, whose words were spoken by Jenkins. "I got a call from CBS last night offering me a spot giving sign translation for Mary J. Blige's song on the Tony Awards, but I told them---"

"Ah, Danny!", cut in McElroy, "I think everyone knows what that hand gesture means without you translating."

"In addition to the three of us", continued the production's only Tony nominated participant, "the entire Big River company will be opening the Oscars with "Waiting for the Light to Shine" and every cast member from Dance of the Vampires, will be there to present, including Mandy Gonzalez, Rene Auberjonois, Max von Essen and Leah Hocking. There'll even be a taped message from Michael Crawford."

"Crawford will appear on stage live.", explained Jenkins. "It's just that his comments will be taped."

At this point in the press conference Brian Stokes Mitchell entered the room, patting a wet spot on the front of his shirt with a napkin."

"Sorry I'm late, but as I was coming in I ran into Michael Reidel and Tonya Pinkins having breakfast downstairs and they insisted I join them. Mikey was doing his imitation of Donna Murphy trying to sing with a head cold. Then Bernadette comes over and pours a whole bowl of maple syrup on his head. I laughed so hard my mimosa came shooting out my nose!"

After a few moments of simultaneous giggle fits, the Tony Award winning Broadway star, better known throughout the country as "that guy who used to be on Frasier", talked about a special musical sequence which will be part of the Oscar broadcast.

"We're having a twenty minute medley called Songs from Musicals Which Should be Made into Films Starring their Original Broadway Casts. The idea is to emphasize the plus side of casting movie musicals with stars who can actually sing. Not only does it sound more pleasant, but it cuts down on the cost of all that voice enhancement technology that makes it seem like non-singers are hitting the right notes. Naturally I'm hoping this will lead to a film version of Ragtime starring myself, but at the very least I would hope that if a film version of that outstanding musical does come about, Hollywood would have the good sense to cast Coalhouse with an established Broadway veteran, like Norm Lewis or P. Diddy."

McElroy suddenly coughed very loudly, then smiled broadly at Mitchell, who seemed confused.

"Of course all plans are tentative", added Giordano, "depending on the Stritch factor."

"We're opening the program with Elaine Stritch", explained Donnelly, "giving her as much time as she wants to say whatever she wants. If there's any time left at the end of the broadcast we'll see if we can give out some awards."

When asked if the television network might object to the program being so focused on theatre performers who are mostly unknown throughout the country, Donnelly sneered, "We're freakin' Hollywood, baby! We do whatever the hell we want!"

The Broadway Fake Book, a series of theatre-related news items that have nothing to do with reality, fondly remembers the Tony Award ceremonies produced by Alexander Cohen

For Michael Dale's mad adventures of a straight boy living in a gay world, visit dry2olives.com