Star Gayzing Endorses Liza Minnelli For President: 'Kick Ball Change We Can Believe In'

With New York, New Yorkers just two weeks away from the Democratic and Republican party primaries, voters are looking forward to taking a break from cabaret-going and nightlife-ing to get down to the serious business of selecting their choices for President of the United States.

And while this year's primary cycle has been a heated one, the editors of Star Gayzing believe the best candidate for the job has yet to toss her signature Fosse bowler hat into the ring. Yes, Star Gayzing proclaims a Ring Them Bells endorsement for the only candidate who offers step ball change we can believe in, Liza Minnelli.

"Let's face it, the president is just a talking head anyway so why not Liza," says their editorial, "a woman who is not only a talking head but a singing head. Everyone knows that politicians are just actors who don't make much sense, so why not choose an actor who doesn't make much sense who is an EGOT?"

What can we expect from a Liza Minnelli presidency? Here's a sampling from their lengthy list of fabulous perks.

Continued protection and expansion of marriage equality laws: Unlike candidates like Hillary Clinton, Liza's position on gay rights didn't have to evolve, she was born evolved. Not only is Liza in favor of equal rights, but she has first-hand experience with the subject, having survived legal unions to at least two gay men herself.

Refreshing the pledge of allegiance: Enough of the right hand over the heart business. Why not jazz hands over the head with a cocked hip? So much more Liza and so much more fun.

Experience! A seasoned campaigner, Liza knows how to work a room. What is politics if not performance? What is campaigning if not a show? A born performer with a lifetime spent on the public stage, Liza has more charisma in a single eyebrow than Ted Cruz or Ben Carson or that Democrat who dropped out whose name I already forgot.

The end of partisan gridlock in congress: Just hand President Minnelli a microphone, put Billy Stritch on the piano, and Republicans and Democrats alike won't just be crossing the aisle, but doing jazz runs in such perfect unison there will be no blue or red states, only purple. After hearing Liza belt out "But the World Goes 'Round," it is not hard to envision the once sour Mitch McConnell completely forgetting about obstructing the political process in order to organize Republican senators in a perfect kick line. Listen, in a world where Donald Trump can, apparently, be president, is this so very hard to imagine?

Complete transparency: Though it might seem counterintuitive that the daughter of Judy Garland who has been famous since the day she was born could be a candidate of the people, consider this: every single thing that has ever happened to this woman has been a matter of public record, and that's quite a long list of things. There's something for everyone: Divorce! Professional reversals! Alcoholism! Drug addiction! Recovery! Triumph! Failure! Rehab! Bankruptcy! And that's just the 1980s! Plus, who needs vetting? Liza's an open book, we already know everything! As we all know too well, there are no skeletons in Miss Minnelli's closet, only Halstons.

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